I’m back, bitches. I waited a whole year for this and at the moment, I may have to wait longer. I may even need surgery on my leg. But for now, I’ll run what I can, while I can.

01-29-18 Just like that, we’re building blocks again. Starting with baby steps on baby runs to build up to bigger steps and bigger runs. Taking it slow to make sure I don’t re-injure my leg and to help it heal while strengthening it. At first, I was sad all I ran was a half mile, but then I looked at it as “I got to run a half mile!”. After not having been able to run for three months, the sound of my breath and footsteps was a sound my ears craved to hear. Even though I’m roaring to go, I’m taking it slow. Partly to make sure I don’t push too hard and pull it again, partly out of fear. I take tender steps forward, afraid at any moment that pain will come back and I will dread the many weeks/months of not running again. Baby runs, baby workouts, and lots of yoga is what my next few weeks look like.

🍂Early morning trail runs make for happy feet🍂 01-29-18

Some days when you can’t run because you’re injured, you just have to get fake nails and binge watch Netflix instead.

Dear Journal,

College XC hit me like a train. It was so much commitment and time that I wasn’t expecting. I loved it at first. But they sucked the life out of me and made me begin to dread the one thing I am head over heels for. I realized he was so bad at coaching. We never did anything but running. No weight room. Barely any abs or pushups, but occasionally we would do them. Not enough and never any weights. It was a half assed plan with a coach who’s still stuck in times that was 20 years ago. The team was horrible, a bunch of girls who didn’t get along. I never felt welcome and they were so toxic. Always complaining about the workouts or about each other. So maybe I am just pitying myself for not getting a good team with a good coach after working so hard. Maybe I am upset because my biggest dream was a train wreck. Maybe I am upset because I’m still running after the same dumb dream when nothing about that team will ever change. Maybe because I quit two weeks early and didn’t finish what I started like coach red taught me. But I was running on fumes. My leg was and is trashed. The coach nor the trainers took me seriously. The coach told me I had to run even when I ran with a limp and physically could no longer finish the whole workout. He told me I was making it up even though he spent the first half of season using me as an example for the team. An example of always giving it your all and showin up positive everyday. I can’t afford an MRI and no one can fix it and I’m afraid I have mangled it so badly I will never run again. Running is who I am so when I can’t run, I don’t know who I am.

Sincerely,

A deeply hurting runner