kill the shift manager in your brain

you are not wasting time you are vibing. you are not being unproductive you are literally chilling. make a grill cheese with cheddar cheese and slather a piece of the bread with some honey and maybe you'll relax

Innes Keeper's Formula For Fantastic Grilled Cheeses (for nearly no extra spoons!)

Are you hungry? Do you have a hankering for grilled cheese sandwiches like, way more than a normal person maybe? Great news! I am about to give you the secret knowledge I stole, like Prometheus himself, from the Akashic Records—to bring back to Prudencia! And I’m even doing it without a ten hour long lecture about how the Akashic Records makes me think of idfk, 9/11, and how that relates to sandwiches.

I will, however, briefly say this: You gotta trust me when I say cooking grilled cheeses via this formula WILL grant you Bloodborne Insight. There is no fucking reason that making a grilled cheese this fucking delicious should be this fucking easy. I feel like I’m cheating God every time I do it because it takes (nearly) no extra spoons. And here’s where I show you why.

INGREDIENTS — SEASONINGS -butter, i usually use 2 or 3 tablespoons per sandwich -garlic cloves, I use 3 usually -a source of heat, like red pepper flakes, or szechuan peppers -a source of spice OR a source of sweetness, such as dijon mustard or honey. slather that motherfucker on a slice of your bread. -a source of herbiness, such as oregano, thyme, sage, rosemary, etc in any combination that goes well together or on its own. if someone tries to tell you that you need it fresh, they’re fucking lying, the 2$ crushed powdered sage is fucking great. experiment with other spices such as ground turmeric if you're spicy

INGREDIENTS - THE METAPHORICAL MEAT OF THE SANDWICH -two slices of bread per sandwich. this is actually a massive influence on your sandwich taste and texture as a whole. a basic white or wheat will still be fucking delicious because like I said, I stole this from the Akashic Records cookbook section and found it under “fucking perfect grilled cheeses forever”. However, if you CAN—getting bread like brioche, texas toast, brown bread, rye, or sourdough will make a sandwich already being elevated super easily to “pay 23 dollars at a fancy restaurant” level of elevation.

-one to three types of cheese per sandwich. you can get away with one type but really try for two or three if you can swing it. this is also one of those massive influences over the sandwich—listen, i know, that’s obvious, but stay with me—what matters isn’t the SPECIES of cheese, it’s the TYPE of cheese. getting the deli at your local Safeway or Walmart or whatever and asking for the cheese they gotta cut (or just in general the fancier, better-quality cheeses) is literally the only major requirement that I ask of you. If you are on SNAP/EBT programs, me too, and I promise you: Please do this. Please trust me when I say do not get the cheap Kraft-type cheese because it’s less money. I know it’s a bit extra but it’s only a bit to get like 1/4 or 1/3lb and you have no idea how much I’m actually getting a little emotional about this, because the “rice with butter and beans or top ramen every single day” life is soulsucking and sickening and it is genuinely one of the greatest sources of suffering to human beings I can imagine, I’m serious. Following this formula will genuinely change your life/mental health just a bit because you know that you have one meal that is super delicious, super filling, pretty damn cheap when it comes to how much you get, and super easy to make on days where the idea of doing more than just 15 minutes MAX is gonna make you wanna die.

super sorry for that paragraph btw i just really cannot overstate how this is a lifechanger especially when youre poor/low spoons/depressed. delicious food makes me not be as depressed. this is that.

METHOD

That’s literally it. I really hope this helps.

outta my way gayboy im making this sandwich

oh. oh my god. holy fuck. what. how. why. this is delicious. i kinda burned my bread and my cheese didnt melt all the way but it's still the best thing ive ever tasted?????

oh my god. this is so fucking good. the butter melting and absorbing the spices and herbs already smelled amazing, but then i threw the bread on and it started smelling EVEN BETTER. then i took a bite. holy FUCK this is better than sex. i legitimately believe that Innes Keeper stole this shit from Prometheus, there's no other way to explain why this is so easy to make, yet so FUCKING good, other than cheating a god.

I didn't steal it from Prometheus he's my trophy husband!

ok me and my partner went back and made this. exact words upon eating were “we’ve cheated god” and “i feel like my world just got rocked” and then we were both energized to get back to drawing. proof:

please make innes keeper’s scientifically proven perfect extremely easy grilled cheese

I'M PUTTING THIS ON THE FRIDGE (WHERE I KEEP ALL MY CHEESE)

Fuck it I'm gonna make the infamous inneskeeper grilled cheese, I'm suspicious of the honey part working but fuck it let's see what happens

i want this sandwich to impregnate me

I FOUND IT AGAIN

LET US REJOICE

I GOT A FUCKING RAISE THE POTATO WORKED WTF

This potato works. Every. Fucking. Time.

Then bring me luck

the day after I posted this last time I was notified that I was selected for a really cool mentorship gig and got an unrelated glowing review at work

CW: dad/daughter incest, age gap (reader is in her 20s, Simon in his 40s), reader forces a creampie, fucked up family dynamics.

“No shame in liking daddy’s cock.” Simon couldn’t help but admire the sight beneath him, his lovely creation lying open and inviting just for him, legs wrapped around his broad waist to bring him even closer, his cock buried to the hilt inside your needy, sopping cunt. 

“God, you’re fuckin’ tight.” Simon panted, his grip on your hips tightening. He pulled back and pushed inside you again, each motion repeated in a steady rhythm, blown pupils meeting yours with nothing short of raw reverence. 

A dirty bastard, he was, and yet all that remained inside that fucked up brain was the need to make you feel good, the need to be as close to you as possible, overwhelmed by the fever pitch of lust consuming his very soul. 

“‘M gonna cum.” Simon couldn’t resist the pleading look in your eyes, a deep groan making its way out of his lips the moment your nails dug into his back, his rough hand coming down between your bodies, his thumb rubbing your swollen clit. 

The sounds of your moans and skin slapping against skin filled the room, the smell of sex thick in the air. Simon gazed down at you, his eyes filled with the same intensity that had once driven him in combat. His is short nails dug into your hips, wanting to mark you in any way possible, thrusting harder and faster, his groans becoming louder by the second. 

“Cum inside me.” His heart thundered in his chest at your plea, brown eyes fluttering shut as he tried his best to hold back, to spare you the consequences, but he could feel your legs refusing to let him pull out, your tight walls milking his swollen cock, his resistance beginning to falter.

“Fuck. I can’t—” The cock that made you throbs inside you, pulsing and ready to fill you up, your grip around his waist tightening, refusing to let him go. A daddy’s girl through and through, even when he’s balls deep inside you. His face found shelter in the crook of your neck, his breath hot against your skin, gritting his teeth. 

Simon is 93 kilograms of pure muscle, easily able to pull away if he truly wanted, yet his intentions are clear as day to both of you. A shudder ran through him, his cock pulsing as he filled your womb with spurts of searing cum, marking you as his in the most primal way. A shaky breath left his lips, your needy walls milking him for all he’s worth, his cock twitching as the last few drops leaked out. 

“I love you.” He whispered, his voice hoarse from the intensity of it all. His cracked lips plant a gentle kiss on your forehead, his hand trailing down your sweaty body to hold yours, intertwining your fingers. It didn’t take long for his head to rest on your chest, your breaths coming in harsh pants, finally processing what just happened as you hold each other.

when they came back from the training camp

i'm not a lesbian as far as i know and i already have a wife but thanks tumblr

man what did i click on that tumblr thinks im gay

the sign in button?

i don't understand why body builders go to the gym and lift the heavy weights when the lighter ones are easier to pick up. are they stupid?

being passed around at a halloween party . . . . .

first one to fuck you is a vampire and he plays his role a little too well. bites down on your neck and manages to draw blood, smiles into your skin when you tighten your legs around his hips and push him deeper into you.

second one is a demon. his thrusts are ruthless and his smirk is mean — his degradation is nasty, his slaps fire you up, and when he spits into your mouth as he cums inside of you makes you see stars.

third is a duo, a pair of ghost faces. one fucks your mouth and pushes his cum into you with his thumb as the other relentlessly spreads you open from behind. they take turns taking pictures of your fucked out state.

next up is a priest. he wraps his rosary around your neck, then his hand. brings your back to his chest and buries his cock deep inside of you. tells you that this is the closest you’ll ever get to god and you’re already drowning in too much pleasure to tell him that he isn’t even the real thing.

and the night goes on

women who are going nowhere in life i love you with all my heart

"casual sex" fuck that. POSSESSIVE AND UNHINGED SEX

touch-starvation needs to be written with emphasis on the starving part. you are hungry to be touched. so hungry that even the very taste of it makes you nauseous. it has been long since anything has ever touched you, ever fed you - that your body has grown more used to that gnawing emptiness more than anything else. it's better for you to be held, to eat but it makes you sick to try. you know

hey man I found a piece of your soul stuck in the text messages of old friends you don’t speak to anymore. do you want it back

Keigo and you have been hooking up for a few months now. Nothing serious, you’re aware that he’s basically using you, a quick and easy lay in between shifts.

So when you find a new job, you don’t really think anything of it. He’ll move on to the next easy target probably before you’re even out the door.

You hand in your resignation letter, expecting a pat on the back. Maybe a gift card, for your services. But Keigo looks up at you on the verge of tears.

“You’re breaking up with me?”

i love this so muchhh