I know everything is awful. But you’ve got to keep on keeping on. Do it for Noodle.

I've got two IRL friends reading Gideon the Ninth right now and I haven't obsessively checked my phone this much since I was a lovesick teen.

I think a lot about gender performance in TLT and one thing that suddenly stood out to me on my latest reading is just how exhausting it must be to be Mercymorn. This immortal, devoted, genius in her own right even before the advent of necromancy has been performing femininity for more than 10,000 years. All for the sake of the deeply misogynistic man she literally worships. And what does she get for it? She's constantly told she isn't doing it well enough. She's belittled. She's talked down to. She is "unlovable Mercymorn, critical Mercymorn."

Does she turn around and perpetuate this cycle of abuse when poor, broken, Harrow comes along and somehow earns the Emperor's love in a way that Mercy never could? Absolutely. But you know what? I would have exploded into infinite particles of Mercy-dust long before she did.

The John Gaius Villain Arc in 2 Images:

Trillionaires:

JG:

Gideon Nav whenever anyone says like three nice words to her.

I've been writing a lot of Locked Tomb fanfic lately, which means I've been listening to a lot of Chappell Roan (patron saint of disaster lesbians) and it occurs to me that The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess is like a one stop shop for whatever emotions you might find yourself experiencing.

So You're Having Big Feelings - A Chappell Roan Primer:

Feeling frustrated and need to dance about it? FEMININOMENON

Feeling choked up, face down, burned out and need some canine teeth in the side of your neck about it? RED WINE SUPERNOVA

Feeling restless and need to cause some drama about it? AFTER MIDNIGHT

Feeling angsty and need to cry about it? COFFEE

Feeling underappreciated and need to belt out a ballad in the shower about it? CASUAL

Feeling sapphic and so done with men and need to leave the planet about it? SUPER GRAPHIC ULTRA MODERN GIRL

Feeling horny and need to do a choreographed cheer about it? HOT TO GO

Feeling schadenfreude-y and need to fuck about it? MY KINK IS KARMA

Feeling infatuated and need to mutually masturbate about it? PICTURE YOU

Feeling love that doesn't fit into a neat little box and need to sing something wrenchingly beautiful about it? KALEIDOSCOPE

Feeling the pain of knowing that living as your authentic self means disappointing people you love and need to dance on the stage in your heels about it? PINK PONY CLUB

Have a crush and need to get all adolescent about it? NAKED IN MANHATTAN

Feeling homesick and need to self-flagellate about it? CALIFORNIA

Feeling kinky and need to be totally filthy about it? GUILTY PLEASURE

Truly a song for every season.

Growing up as a deeply closeted (even to myself), evangelical baby bi, books were one of the few escapes I gave myself from my own rigid sense of morality. Because, you know, it was educational. Didn't mean I approved of any of that stuff. Now, as an adult, I wonder how I would have reacted to The Locked Tomb series if it had been around back in the day. Because I mean, truly it has everything:

- Constant allusions to the Bible

- Deep questions about what it means to be God, serve God, love God

- Hot women being hot

- Queer women being queer and it's just not a thing anyone even thinks to comment on

- Palamedes Sextus and Camilla Hect, the platonic ideal of Bisexual Panic.

Could I have skipped past years of processing and deprogramming straight to radical self-acceptance? Would I just have read them voraciously with a performative headshake of disapproval, then incorporated them into my Big Realizations down the line? Who knows. But I'm glad I have them now.