I'm actually a sentient garden gnome

Guess I'm getting a fall -> winter seasonal change coma this year cuz there's snow in the forecast Tuesday and guess who is comatose

I reflexively started to check my weather all in a tizzy before realising "no, this person is online not in this city."

Then the app loaded and there is snow in the forecast for Tuesday.

There's snow for like the entire western US if that's where you are so it's not THAT much of a coincidence but yeah.

If you try to say anything to me today that's not about my flying fish pepper shaker from the antique store, I will beat the shit out of you. I'm so serious.

Got off a video call with my grandma. Asked her what sort of American foods she was enjoying (my dad flew her in from Korea and she's staying with him in Phoenix rn). She said most of the food isn't too impressive but she's addicted to a specific candy, and when she held up a bag of Werther's Originals I started howling

Science fiction is full of first contact stories, but is there a such thing as LAST contact?  Decide exactly what that means, and write about it.

It was too late, when the humans came. They were a young species, still exploring outwards, vital and thriving. 

We… were not. 

War had ravaged us, and sickness, and war once again, until our population dwindled beyond the point of recovery. We struggled against that, of course… we used genetic manipulation, and cloning, and even more desperate measures. None succeeded. When the humans came, we were sinking into apathy, only a few tens of us left. We had begun to discuss whether we should commit a mass suicide, or simply wait to fade away. 

And then the young species came, in their clumsy ships, and they asked us why we were so few. 

“We are becoming extinct,” we told them. “We have passed the point of recovery.” 

It is custom to avoid the races that are dying – once a species reaches the point of inevitable extinction, even war is suspended, and the fiercest enemy pulls back. The custom was born of plagues and poisons that could be carried forth from a dying world to afflict a healthy one, but it has the implacable weight of tradition now. After we are gone, after they have waited for the prescribed period of quarantine, there will be a fight for our world. Habitable worlds are few, and this is a good one, with plenty of free groundwater and thriving vegetation. It is a bitter thing to be grateful for the custom that allows us to die in peace, but we are grateful.

But the humans don’t know that custom, and they do not leave. They seem distraught, when we tell them we are dying, and try to offer their aid - but their technology is behind ours, and it is too late. When they realize that they can’t save us, though, they do something that bewilders us. 

Keep reading

when I was in high school my dad was speeding like crazy because I was running late to my job at the cemetery. and the cop who pulled him over gave him three whole tickets because who the hell goes 95 in a 25??? but then, when my dad went to court the cop didn’t show, and so the judge looked over at the charges and just couldn’t believe it. he thought the cop must’ve been so racist that he made it up because who the hell goes 95 in a 25? so my dad got all 3 tickets dismissed bc of racism. that he didn’t even experience because he was in fact going 95 in a 25.

to clarify. my dad used to be a cab driver in ny and he also grew up in india so he just drives like a dickhead.

"average cat owner spends 3 years in prison" factoid actualy just statistical error. average owner spends 0 years in prison. Miette's mother, who kicked her body like the football and went to jail for One Thousand Years is an outlier adn should not have been counted

I love how every single Georg post observes the original's typo

i like that you said "observe" instead of "preserve," implying this has religious importance.

Funny story from the other night:

A dad came into my cafe with his 3 year old daughter.  He bought her a cookie and himself a coffee.  They sit down, and I go back to my pre-closing cleaning.  Three minutes later the dad walks up to the counter again, so I stop cleaning and walk over to greet him again.

As I’m in the middle of saying “hi” he cuts me off and says “Water.”

Not “Can I get a glass of water, please?” not “Where can I get water?” not even a confused “water?” like he’s not sure how to get water in this cafe.  Just a single word demand.

I work in silicon valley, so I’m kind of used to techies talking to me like I’m Siri or Alexa, but it still always drives me crazy when they do this.  Like, I don’t even care about the “please” anymore, I just want people to talk to me in complete sentences.  So I get the guy a cup of water, and he sits back down. 

As I’m about to go back to cleaning I hear his daughter go “Daddy, you did that WRONG.  You have to say ’CAN I have a glass of water PLEASE’”

My jaw hit the ground.  The dad suddenly became flustered and tried coming up with excuses “I-I said please…” “No you didn’t!” “Well she was busy…. I didn’t want to bother her…..” “You still got to be polite!”

When they were done eating the dad brought the dishes back to the counter and said “Thank you so much!” It’s amazing how fast someone’s manners can improve when a 3 year old calls them out.

Shout out to whoever is teaching that little girl manners, because you know it’s not her dad.  I hope she never stops calling rude people out.

officially decided that anyone who tries to divide the lgbt community is a fed. i dont care if you're not actually a fed, if you're causing infighting in a minority community then you're a fed who just isnt getting paid to be one. either apply for a job at the CIA or shut the fuck up

some people understood this post. some people revealed themselves to be feds

The only thing more pathetic than a paid fed is a chump doing a fed's job for free

This teapot costs more than the four years I went to college fuck man

[Image ID: tags from @snazzy-hats-and-adhd that read "that is one fugly teapot." End ID]

Yep it 100% is awful it's so ugly. Hate it. What the fuck and do rich people never get dust?!?! Imagine having to keep that thing clean!

*very deep sigh* it gets worse. There's a matching teacup and it's even uglier.

[Image ID: another screenshot from scully and scully of a listing for a teacup that's the same 3D flower pattern as the teapot but it cuts off the 3D at the rim of the cup. The price is $5,863. End ID.]

These are even UGLIER what?! What?!

Eat the rich.

[Image ID: a gif of Haruhi Fujioka saying "these damn rich people." End ID]

I understand her now.

Thinking about this again...

I may have somehow underestimated you all.

Great work as always, everyone.

I have chronic anemia but I don’t notice when it gets bad, I’m just like “I feel vulnerable and cold and tired and I bruise easily. Because of my poet’s temperament.”

Teapot, 1720-30, Meissen, Germany.

@roboticchibitan

tumblrinas need to see this

octopus teapots ༉‧₊˚  𓇼   . 🐙

@roboticchibitan