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#depression – @riverbambi on Tumblr

Restless words

@riverbambi / riverbambi.tumblr.com

“Her mind is an unquiet one, words and thoughts and impulses constantly crashing into each other.”  ― David Levithan
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What happens in the paradoxical case is merely that the place of the external frustration is taken by an internal one. The sufferer does not permit himself happiness: the internal frustration commands him to cling to the external one. But why? Because – so runs the answer in a number of cases – one cannot expect Fate to grant one anything so good. In fact, another instance of “too good to be true”, the expression of a pessimism of which a large portion seems to find a home in many of us. In another set of cases, just as in those who are wrecked by success, we find a sense of guilt or inferiority, which can be translated: “I’m not worthy of such happiness, I don’t deserve it.” But these two motives are essentially the same, for one is only a projection of the other. For, as has long been known, the Fate which we expect to treat us so badly is a materialisation of our conscience, of the severe super-ego within us, itself a residue of the punitive agency of our childhood.

Sigmund Freud, letter to Romain Rolland "A Disturbance of Memory on the Acropolis"

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Feeling absent and disconnected with the real world.

It´s been long since I last felt like this but it came back again after last saturday, I had fun last saturday with myself alone at home.. It was good, but the next day everything was "off"  .....since then I feel like i´m not myself, wondering myself if i am in a dream or if things are real... It is hard to wake up , I am barely eating because I don´t feel hunger...So much is happening in my life at the same time , I think i have so much stress on me and now this weird feeling... I wish everything would all disappear

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"Anne, I don't want to live. . . . Now listen, life is lovely, but I Can't Live It. I can't even explain. I know how silly it sounds . . . but if you knew how it Felt. To be alive, yes, alive, but not be able to live it. Ay that's the rub. I am like a stone that lives . . . locked outside of all that's real. . . . Anne, do you know of such things, can you hear???? I wish, or think I wish, that I were dying of something for then I could be brave, but to be not dying, and yet . . . and yet to [be] behind a wall, watching everyone fit in where I can't, to talk behind a gray foggy wall, to live but to not reach or to reach wrong . . . to do it all wrong . . . believe me, (can you?) . . . what's wrong. I want to belong. I'm like a jew who ends up in the wrong country. I'm not a part. I'm not a member. I'm frozen."

Anne Sexton (Anne Sexton: A Self-Portrait in Letters)

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My time Torture.

I never really had the chance to  decide for myself all the important choices I have made so far, my university for example ,I started studying Media and Communication Studies but it was my family who actually made me take this decision and at this point of my life I still wonder what will I end up doing because even though I'd like to use journalism to communicate important and meaningful messages to the people, is not what I really want to be. Only 5 semesters left to finish this career and the thought of working in social media it's already disturbing me because this country is very dangerous and very extreme situations happen here, I wouldn't like to put my own life in risk for this career or sit on a computer all day writing stories to just please a big company. 

It's a very complicated thing I have in my mind right now because If i don't get that job , I can't leave the country , I'd like to move to Germany but everything costs a lot of money and It is very frustrating to me to only have this option in hand, because my family has never supported me in the things I really wanted to do (practically If I didn't do what they said , they would have kicked me out of the house ).. And I definitely don't want to be an illegal immigrant in Europe because the risk of being deported back is too high , and I don't wanna live in fear all the time. 

Studies abroad are impossible for me right now because I have no money and the inflation is eating this country ,I think that the only way to get out of this country is to work my ass off , get money and pay studies abroad in Germany but then the TIME  comes to my mind.... I will graduate in the ends of 2015 and then I will have to work a lot for I don't know how many years more  to finally get the enough money to move.

All this has been eating my entire existence, destroying my sanity, my peace, my life , motivation... And I don't know what to do anymore and there's nothing I can do about it, People tell me to enjoy life but there's nothing to enjoy here... This society here doesn't suit me,I feel totally appart of the people from this country... This is not where I belong. 

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There it comes, the darkness and sickness of the soul that hunts late at night, the black hole in the void of my mind that makes me want to just stare in the empty spaces for hours ,unable to move ,unable to love, unable to have a stable state of mind.
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I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare

Ned Vizzini,

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For some nights I slept profoundly; but still every morning I felt the same lassitude, and a languor weighed upon me all day. I felt myself a changed girl. A strange melancholy was stealing over me, a melancholy that I would not have interrupted. Dim thoughts of death began to open, and an idea that I was slowly sinking took gentle, and, somehow, not unwelcome possession of me. If it was sad, the tone of mind which this induced was also sweet. Whatever it might be, my soul acquiesced in it.

Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu, Carmilla

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