I'm girls

"you are the one bright light in kirkwall" says the guy who, at great risk to his own safety and freedom (and probably health), runs an illegal free clinic for the poor and refugees which people are literally told to find by "looking for the lit lantern" I'm so ill. he doesn't even see his own light.

Someone else probably already did this, but I decided to make my own ranking.

generally i make fun of the orlesian version of an organisation more than any other but i’ve got to admit there’s no bitch as useless as a kinloch hold templar

lying awake at night thinking abt how jowan escaped. jowan. one singular blood mage apprentice. who was jowan. he was in the middle of the tower. the whole thing was planned by the templars. they knew he was coming. they caught him. in the middle of the circle. and then he. and then he just. how can i even say this without laughing. how did he get across the fucking lake

presented without comment

My lyrium pusher: got some straight gas 🔥😛 this strain is called “The Descent” you’ll be zonked out of your gourd 💯

Me: yeah whatever. I don’t feel shit.

5 minutes later: babe I swear I just saw a dwarf made of red lyrium running through the deep roads

My buddy Lace pacing: I̴̳̘͎̼̬͇̦̋̑S̴̥̥͈̰̓́Ä̶̰̜͍̗͚́͂̓̊T̶͕̺̝̖͌̑͂Ų̸̙̙̟̦̰̻̺̔̎̈͌̌̉͝N̸͙̓͑͆̍̑̔Ô̶̡̗̮̰̤̤͖̗̪̒̎͋̈̐̔̒̈́͝ͅL̵̡̢̛̖̫̗̗̼͍̈̈́̓̊̓Ḷ̷̡̘̖͓̳̽̀̐̊̕

-Varric didn't recruit him he was just passing by Minrathous and interrupted the ritual by accident. They just keep him around cause he has Solas in his brain. Neve and Harding are co-leads of the team.

-Brings total rancid vibes to the found family friendship group

-He does none of the companion quests because no one likes him, but he has all the factions at 3 stars cause he is good at killing things (and that's most of the missions let's be reals)

Bonus redeemed "i'm sorry, women" Oghren, quote by @blackxgold

GETTEM, MANFRED

"Goodbye, Varric, and thank you."

varric tethras woke up and put on his cock ring necklace and red tunic. he threw his hair up into a messy bun and came downstairs.

"pack your things bitch! i sold you for red lyrium money" said hawke from the kitchen table, cigarette in hand.

"what? you're a horrible person!"

"well i love red lyrium and i hate you!" said hawke. varric felt something hard hit the back of his head. hawke had thrown a copy of hard in hightown at him. varric ran for the door.

"hawke, he's trying to run away!" screamed anders as he grabbed varric. he was also smoking a red lyrium cigarette. when varric opened the door there was a beautiful butch lesbian standing there with a bald guy and a person with a glowing hand.

"ello, love! we're your new owners! i'm cassandra" said the beautiful butch.

"aren't you those losers from that stupid inquisition? there's no way i'm going with you!" varric turned to run away. the green hand one gestured to the bald guy, who started telling stories about the fade in extreme detail. it was so boring it started putting varric to sleep.

"thanks for taking him off my hands, inquisitor! goodbye, slut!" hawke laughed. it was the last thing varric heard before the bald guy's iambic pentameter made him pass out.

sorry to ruin everyone's night with this one but i havent been able to get this out of my head since i saw it