Could you pray for me please? I absolutely can & will.

I feel so ashamed.  When I say you shouldn’t feel ashamed, I am not speaking from a place of flattery, but of scripture. Shame is not for the child of God. You are a new person if you have trusted Christ, & the wrestling you feel with your flesh is proof of it. It is a good thing to fight the fight, it is not shameful. 

Some days I wish I could rip out my sex drive for how much it causes me to stumble and take my eyes off God. I know which verse you are referencing here & I understand how you feel, but hating how God made human bodies only exhausts the energy He gave you to work out your salvation. It is work, but God is proud of you for it, He is not shaking a fist. He recognizes you as His Child from belief, not works.

I want to only serve God and no other false gods, but I don’t know how to. 1 Kings 11 & 12 are written about the same man who wrote Ecclesiastes & Proverbs & Song of Solomon. Life is longer than you might think. Life is the opportunity to learn & then teach others. It’s okay.

Please pray that by His grace He’d help me let go of these once and for all. There is no once & for all for us to utter.  We never arrive at sin destroyed unless we go to the cross.  “Once & for all” is Jesus’s “It is finished”. He let go of it for you once & for all. You don't have to carry the burden anymore, Jesus deserves our praise for this, but you are also no longer condemned. Praying for you.

I feel so powerless and it makes me sad and afraid. Read 2 Corinthians 12:1-10 every night if you have to. You can do this!!

This story isn’t about swimwear but my views on modesty still apply:

I know they probably aren’t now, but when I was a teenager, low rise hollister shorts* were really in. At 16, I drove myself to the mall determined to know how it would feel to be one of the girls whose confidence I thought they had that I so lacked.

I went in, found a few pair, tried them on, & immediately felt uncomfortable. I sat in the dressing room for probably half an hour trying to like them. But I just didn’t. I put my own clothes back on & with a new attitude about my own personal view on modesty/clothes in general. Holy Spirit didn't speak in a literal voice telling me anything & no one else was there to say it, but it was clear to me: it is immodest to pick clothes like I am picking out an identity.

Clothes are so important in culture, & you're right sometimes certain bathing suits are better than others in situations. As I've gotten older I just feel better wearing more, especially at the beach lol. It is a call I often make the same way I did in that dressing room. Alone with Holy Spirit making sure I a. feel comfortable, b. believe others will too, & c. should someone or I end up feeling uncomfortable, clothes aren't my identity so I can change with a humble heart & no bad feelings about myself/others because modesty stems from a “quiet & gentle spirit” Similar to my answer on an ask about my hair actually, if someone is judging my lack of clothes or my being too covered up, that is not my sin to own up to.

Modesty is about setting us free from thinking so so hard about how we look, not the other way around. If you find yourself obsessing over what to wear to the beach, it's no big deal, bring a big t-shirt to wear over your bathing suit just in case & let yourself up, grace grace grace always.

*I think shorts are fine, I wear them often. I am speaking to that desire I had to pick these shorts to feel something only Christ could have given me: my self-esteem/confidence/identity.

I haven’t! I think I have to limit myself on explicit content. I’ve heard incredible things. The acting & costumes do seem incredible, but I’ve heard about the s*x scenes too, & that might be too much for me.

In all honesty, I don’t feel qualified to answer this since I have struggled so much in these areas, but I’m going to try my very best. I care deeply about these subjects & the souls of people struggling with this. I’ve been one of them.  I want to submit what I always needed to hear first & foremost:

You are someone Christ loves very much, & no matter what. You are not dirty, you are not bad, you are not evil. Sexuality is not bad, dirty or evil in&of itself, it was created by the Lord, & so are you. You are made in His image even if you do not feel like it. You do not need to be scared, you need grace the same way every human being needs it & God knows that. You are going to be okay. You can take control of yourself, the Bible says you can. God loves you & it is a good & right thing to believe that.

“I’m struggling with lust lately, & general feelings of loneliness”

I am so sorry you have been struggling with it. Inner struggles are harder to see the symptoms of, & it’s really brave of you to recognize them in yourself. It took me a long time to understand why I was lonely, & how it played a massive role in why I struggled with lust & desire & shame. It was helpful for me to speak to God about it & write my thoughts out so I could see them on paper. I learned a lot about myself that way.

“I can’t figure out if masturbation is natural reprieve”

I remember that tension in myself, & it was helpful when I began to separate the word “natural” from “godly” or “good”. I think it is “natural” but that doesn’t make it good thing. It is a real thing, but that doesn’t mean I should partake in it. I physically am capable of doing it, but that doesn’t mean it’s God-honoring. I know that not just from the bible but also from my lack of health when I was masturbating regularly.

The Bible has a lot to say about sensuality & sexuality outside of marriage (song of solomon displays what those are meant for in marriage, as they are not inherently evil). It took me a long time to come to grips with that fact for myself, but it was very helpful for me to see what the bible says over these topics.  (James & 2nd Timothy, Colossians 3:5, Ephesians 2:3, 1 Peter 4:1, Jude 4)

I want to worship Christ, I do not want to worship my own body. This was a helpful & important distinction for me.

“from my pent-up energy”

When i read this, I was reminded of this video I watched years ago, & I remember listening to it & feeling so relieved that there was another way to look at it. He is talking about men primarily, but it could be applied to me too. I can work hard & use that energy in good, good ways.“Therefore, be self-controlled & sober-minded for the sake of your prayers” & “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good & acceptable & perfect”. So what are we to do instead? Think on what is lovely & good, enjoy so many other things that contain pleasure in common graces like food, conversation, work, worship, the praying over all these things, preparation for temptations & using our knowledge of ourselves to grow in the Lord etc.

I’ll be the first to say that this is something I’m working on too.

“or something I should be ashamed about.”

In my (very personal) experience, masturbation ruined my self-esteem & created thought processes about pain & pleasure that really hurt me in the long run. The way I relieved myself from the burden of this question was not to change the way I look at masturbation so I can continue to do it, but looking at masturbation as something I can exhibit self-control over so it does not rule over how I look at passion, sex, lust, loneliness, & relief. So that I remove the window for shame to come into my life before it starts in the first place.

Past posts over this topic.  I.     II.    III.    IV.

Repentance removes shame & creates freedom. He promises, & so do I.

There are kisses between people who are not married in the Bible. There are many cultures in which people kiss as a general greeting, including ancient Israel. I believe is the display of a connection, not the actual agreement. Still, it’s something Jesus spoke against when done with impure intentions (Luke 22:48), as He did with everything else (ex. with money in Mark 12:41), so we should too.

I think, along with many things, it is something to be spoken about between each other & should be prayed over. Is there wisdom & intention between us as a couple? Are we willing to discuss our temptations with each other & how to help (not trip up) one another? Are we strengthening each other’s testimony with our view of purity? If any of the answers to these questions are no, why is that?

In hard-hitting discussions with our partner & the Lord, we find real intimacy with someone that can sometimes be very sobering & revealing for us to hear. It creates a healthy culture in understanding & building trust, including in how we show affection.

Little heart, I do not have control over other people, nor should I.  God only gave me dominion over me. I think what I was trying to say is that it is worldly to try & keep score with yourself & others, it is worldly to have an anxiety over how to dress.  Clothes are not the point, clothes are an extension of your heart for Christ, they are not the beginning or end of it.

It began to be really freeing in a way I’d never expect, when mindfulness became apart of my routine. When I had a closet full of clothes that I could, in modesty terms, wear anywhere in front of anyone feeling comfortable. If someone might come to me asking for me to change because they are worried about their own sexual struggle (which has not happened, but could), I could change without offense or worry.  If someone wanted to tell me I should be dressing in a way that makes me look more attractive (which has happened), I say I try not to worry about that. Clothes are not who I am, they are not my identity. Clothes are not the point, the world would like for them to be, but they are not.

I find I have to be less obsessed or picky with my appearance when waking up every morning wanting a heart for Christ. It becomes a rather natural & relaxed process.

My clothes do not altogether make me a modest women, although clothes are something I am very, very mindful about.  Maybe too mindful.

Modesty does not begin with my clothes or my shaving. It starts in my heart. In humility, boundaries, & understanding people & my words to them. I know women who wear things I wouldn’t personally be comfortable in, but they have fruits of the spirit they have worked on (with much diligence) that make them far more articulate, grace-filled, & mindful than I am. I think was important for me to understand that personal clothing preferences do not supersede a heart for Christ. Nothing does.

Most importantly, there is no verse from the bible I can think of with as much legality as “this is a body part future westerners will find important to shave, so don’t show it.”

So, I guess to answer the question, I don’t think Christians, including myself, should be the judge of that.

I think there is some miscommunication about this topic in christian circles, but I will try to condense.

I believe masturbation is an act I should not engage in because it often involves: lust, compromising my ability to exercise self-control, my personal testimony to live single life gracefully, creates a lot of pain & guilt for self esteem in general & in Christ which does not help me nor the cause I believe in very much.

I also believe God can & does redeem me daily with grace because of Christ’s sacrifice of His life on the cross.  This means that guilty & dirty feeling is not mine, & I should not give into that either.  I am made new.  New grace every day for a new soul.  Christ did that & I get to choose that over any other kind of temptation or false sense of gratification.I am a big big fan of finding more than one verse to back up my thoughts if I have questions, so here are old & new testament things over it.-matthew 5-proverbs 4:23-1 corinthians 9:27-mark 7-romans 8:6

I have & it’s interesting that you ask, as I have been wanting to be more vocal on it.  Here are a few of the times where I have talked on struggles of lust & masturbation with others.  Don’t be afraid to message me on this.I.   II.   III.

I believe some of this can be boiled down to personal preferences & culture differences. Some are very healthy & should be celebrated. I just am answering this thinking mostly of beauty standards I’m around & have experience with.

I used the term “blind spot” in passing recently & have thought about it a lot since. I think it could apply here. It’s just something women don’t know how to change in themselves, so we choose to compartmentalize or glorify the distraction.

Some of us say we don’t care how we look, we don’t shave or wear makeup, yet there is a pang of guilt when we say it aloud, even humorously, or do it front of someone else who might look down on it. On the other hand, some call long, expensive, beauty routines nothing more than a creative outlet when it is very much a fixation we believe can curb insecurity. We are all curating other self, not knowing how to stop or who to talk to who won’t think us trivial.

On a more personal note, I chose to not look at myself in the mirror for the majority of my growing up because I really believed I could see the grief on me. I could see the bad things that happened to me on me. That’s another blind spot, albeit a very exaggerated example. Yet it was the same feeling: I can’t cover it, change it, or ignore it, so why not make it part of my identity? I might feel better then.

But that doesn’t work either. The obvious answer is: Be what Christ wants you to be instead.

I know for me personally that I didn’t know how do that until very recently. We keep trying to shift surface parts of ourselves, yet God wants to transform us entirely. It’s hard to let anyone see us, let alone a God who wants us to see our smallness, vapor-state, or withering-like-grass body. I think most women figure it out as they see that there is no man, no other trick up our own sleeve, no other version of ourselves that will give us esteem. For most, for me, it took just trial to see that clearly.

When we chase surface level remedies, we can run from the reality of pain or trial for a long, long time. It makes me cry thinking of my own running. God is patient, isn’t He? So patient.

I. I can & will pray for you, little heart.  Of course.  As a single woman I know this is a great challenge.  A lot of my feeling better has come through prayer, but also a shift in perspective.

II. It is a good thing to want a relationship & I would argue, God-given. There is nothing wicked, evil, wrong, or sinful about “wanting so badly to have someone to grow in Christ with”.  I don’t think it’s about forcing satisfaction; I could find many verses backing up that God wants people to try accepting how they really feel, not necessarily the season they’re in.  God created us to want connections, & it’s a good & right thing that you do.

III. For me personally, my loneliness has always eased up when I begin to change my mindset from “I want someone right now.” to “I want to prepare to love someone in the future.” Preparing for someone I’m going to love & want to love well has always been better for me than feeling like I’m just waiting on him.

I. I pray for most everyone I interact with on here.  Don’t worry one bit.  

II. I can relate to this a great deal & I feel like that’s important to say.  Temptation always make me feel alone.

III. When confronted with things we struggle with we have to figure out how to protect ourselves.  To be intentional. That’s hard to do no matter the struggle.  I am careful about movies/books that involve grief because they can give me heavy thoughts afterwards. When I noticed this pattern I began to prepare my mind to not put myself in that character’s shoes so I can enjoy it.  "I am not them, I can just be a spectator.  It is good to walk away from this.  Grief can pass & it’s okay that it does…”  If this does not work I do not watch the film or read the book again.  I hope for it to become a natural thing eventually, with patience & practice.

IV.  Ask yourself before you log on, “What am I coming on here to look at? What am I going to be looking at?”  You could block on sight every blog that triggers it.  You could save url’s of Christian-themed blogs & only visit those without ever logging on.  You can begin to lean on others in your life for Christian help that aren’t online.  There are many good options, test them until you understand your limits.

V. Limits are a wonderful thing to know.  I want to make it clear that they do not say anything negative about you.   On the contrary, it speaks volumes of what you’re willing to do for the cause of Christ.  That’s beautiful.  Understanding where we are & loving ourselves where we are is beautiful.  Praying.