I have written a lot around the differences between paranoia & conviction on here, but I don't think I have about it specifically, so here is what I know:

Paranoia is anxiety oriented, it means to paralyze you, it freezes you. the thoughts are intrusive, sometimes bizarre. It is confusing & very disorienting & stems a lot of times from doubt (ex. how can God love me if I don't always do what He tells me? -> He must not love me -> ive missed my opportunity to do what God told me so now I feel ashamed -> how can I progress if I always sin? -> the Bible says "my sheep know my voice" & I either don't or can't or won't -> maybe I'm not saved etc. etc.)

Conviction is action oriented, you are given because conviction is not earned, a clear understanding from God of what do to do & the means to do it, it propels you forward, it gives you a peace that even though the thing may be hard, you have a feeling of being bolstered & strengthened. (ex. I may not know why, but I have been impressed to do this by God -> God will love me if I don't do this perfectly, so I am free to do the right thing because God is going to do the good work -> action)

If you are struggling to tell the different in between these inside yourself journaling may be very helpful, to see it written out & to proof it against scripture. To write out the truth of scripture against it. God has freedom for you & me, there are no chains for us.

Proverbs 3

The first thing I noticed about Proverbs 3, though there is a lot more to notice, is the list of Do Nots, & how each Do Not has something we spiritually gain. 

Do not:  1. forget my law + length of days, long life, peace 2. mercy & truth forsake you + find favor, high esteem from God & man 3. be wise in your own eyes + health to your flesh, strength to your bones 4. despise the chastening of the Lord + Lord loves who He corrects 5. be afraid of sudden terror + Lord is your confidence, will keep you 6. withhold good + When it’s in your power to do good 7. say to your neighbor “go, & come back, & tomorrow I will give it” +when you have it with you  8. devise evil against your neighbor  + He dwells by you for safety’s sake  9. strive without cause  + If he’s done you no harm  10. envy the oppressor/the violent + for a perverse person is an abomination

All of these are under the word of wisdom, it is wise to not do these things, it can be easy to forget what is added to us when we have wisdom because our flesh really wants material wealth, physical health, & personal fulfillment. The next portion of proverbs 3 compares wisdom to all of these things & says it is better than that, & in fact, these things will often be given to us if we are wise. Not in the way our flesh wants it, but in the way God would give it to us. You have to really trust the Lord to believe that is best, but that’s what biblical wisdom is: Trust in God.

Guilt is paralyzing & full of fear. I do not want it bleeding into my every action. Holy Spirit doesn’t like it in my person & there is a restlessness in me over it.

What am I missing? I ask God that all the time, the sentence is a kind of pain I cannot identify. The answer is as full as a deep breath, making myself aware of how grounded it is in faith. It is grace upon grace upon grace.

I keep trying to remember that God does not ask for perfection.  He asks for transparency.  He asks me to set everything down to Him so that He can begin to fight for me. The cleaning out of my soul, God uprooting the sin in my life, is one of the most difficult but freeing experiences I know of.

Will the tide shift because I finally understand it?  No.  It is not movable by me.  God changes things.  I do not.  That is okay.  It has to be.  

I am on His side because He wants me there.   I am powerful in my every weakness.  Transformation of myself starts there.  With Him & through Him.  I am very grateful.

Satan will try to tell me that there is no point in praising because of my state of mind.  That there is no way to get it out, certainly not by taking it to a perfect God.  Yet this perfect God is my God.  He receives anything I offer, then begins to mold it into something better.  Always, always something better.  Praising, getting my eyes off of myself, this is the point of my entire life.

When a time of year like this comes up & I see how really weary I am of so much, it is hard to feel like God is sees what I’m seeing in myself.  Even outside of me, everything is too close, too claustrophobic, too material.  My eyes only see what is in front of me, which is a zoom in on my faults & worries & past.  Maybe it’s because the idea of happiness & this kind of artificial joy is what surrounds certain seasons.  It can be really painful.  

They say, my heart says, “This is how you’re supposed to feel.”

God says, “I see how you feel.  I have felt how you felt.  This doesn’t last forever.”

Young men who are trying to find father or mother figures in their church family.  You weren’t a problem & you aren’t one now.  You will re-learn how to live.  You can do this.  The respect that will be gained from others around you through your work towards God does not require a picturesque family unit or parents.   You are much better than the idea of a perfect christian family on earth because Your Father is proud of your work to improve your circumstances & learned protective skills from a bad home life.  So are we. You can do this.

One of the most important messages of the Bible I have ever grasped is how God mourns for & with me. I struggle not feeling guilty. I struggle with blaming myself in a way that does not help, but hinders.

The Lord mourns for me. It makes me cry just thinking about it. The Lord mourns with me when my heart hurts. There is no room for guilt there. Only acceptance of pain & waiting for Him to move.

& He will.

How will that help? Is what I always want to tell God. How will this do anything if I don’t know what’s happening? How will me feeling even smaller change my circumstance?

Then I hear it. I hear the problem.

It’s not about changing my circumstance. It’s about changing me, any ounce of force in my voice. God moves at a slow pace, I keep wanting to hurry Him, to push Him. Heal me, move this, alter that, fix it. When at the moment? God just wants me to learn to sleep without so much struggle. He just wants to take care of me in a way that will help me take care of others better. With more compassion, with more strength, with more, more, more. More of Him.

Sometimes I don’t read my Bible because I am afraid of the words on it’s pages. I’m afraid of what I won’t understand, what I will recoil from. The fear in me is of myself & that the Lord will not approve of my lack of belief.  If my enjoyment of Him is not automatic, is it even authentic?  God says it is.  The only reason I am trying to be close is made of Him too.  His goodness & His light.  He is always willing when I want to open the door for Him.  He stands at the door & knocks, wanting to sit in my home with me, to be near.

Every verse is there for me, even if I flinch or can’t understand it in the beginning.  Every prayer to Him is heard.  I don’t have to have my eyes on myself, it’s okay to look at Him.  He understands me.  He knows me better than I know myself.  If I believe that, it is the beginning of understanding Him.

That’s the thing about spiritual mistakes. You always come back stronger, better, more prepared next time.  I want God, not my angle on an over simplified version of Him. If I really ask for Him, that's what I'll get, & in doing so it will reveal my shortcomings.

I don't know God's will for me, & He gives little insight for a reason. I must continue to cling & pursue even if that dream goes up in smoke. That's painful for me to type or even think about, but if God's will is different, who am I to think I had it all figured out the right way.