Just now my heart longs for things that probably don't exist

My dad: Hey I think you’ll like this

My dad: I was watching this trailer and thought, “Wow who would name their kid [my given name]? That’s so old fashioned!”

Me: PFFFF god that’s funny

My dad: Right?? I’ve just gotten so used to “Esrah” that I completely forgot that yknow. I actually named my kid that

Me: I love that

My dad: Yeah I relate a lot to Columbo. Also I work great when there’s a movie on in the background. Also I spent a few weeks learning how to splice rope and test its tensile strength. Also I adapted to a lot of issues that sound like executive dysfunction

Me: So you’re sure you don’t have ADHD?

My dad: 🤷‍♂️

WOOO GUESS WHICH LUCKY BASTARDS GOT A CANE!!

My/our dad found a birch branch on a walk, and has been working for the last hour with his multitool to make the top part into a proper handle, then worked with us to get it to the right height. There’s a couple more things that need to be done to really make it work long term, but I’m pretty sure this is going to be our favorite one, ultimately

—Anthony & Esrah

The fact that my parents’ outward beliefs have changed so much since we left my home church and started going to a way more (genuinely) progressive and healthy church is so fascinating and mind blowing to me. Like my dad is like “Yeah David and Johnathan may have been lovers. Even if they weren’t I still think they were closer than David was with his wife” and I’m just sitting here like you know I don’t even believe in any of that anymore but damn that’s a long way away from “Don’t wear crop tops”

My dad wanted to listen to our home church’s sermon too, and you know what shoutout to the alter in my system that’s currently giggling wildly every time the pastor says to submit to God

My dad: so we’re thinking of having a conversation sometime soon in the future about limiting Safari and other app access for you and your sibling, since we’re concerned about your Internet usage throughout the day

What I said: alright, I look forward to that at a time when it’s not late at night and emotions are already high. For the record, I think that us learning self-regulation, and limiting access to certain apps being an option but not necessary, is more effective at this point in our lives

What I was thinking: HMMMMM TOTALLY NOT TRIGGERED BY THIS AT ALL FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE NOT ALREADY LIMITING MY ACCESS WITH MULTIPLE KEYWORD SEARCH RESTRICTIONS, SHUTTING DOWN ALL APPS AFTER 10 TIL 7, AND HAVING THE STATISTICS OF OUR APP USAGE EVERY DAY AT YOUR FINGERTIPS, WHICH IS THE WHOLE REASON I HAVE AN ENTIRE FUCKING DOUBLE LIFE ONLINE THAT YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT AND DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THAT SIDE OF ME FOR YEARS

So my immediate family knows how outdated and stuff the cult school I went to growing up was and we’re all basically on the same page I’m that “shit that was bad and also weirdly outdated” but I was talking about like. How I’m gonna be one weird older middle aged person when I get there. And my dad was straight up like “Yeah you’d be that person born in the 70’s who’s like man I miss carriages :(” and I was taken aback for a sec but he’s not even wrong

Heaven

an original song by me. I composed the instrumental parts for the last verse, and you can go here to listen to it (The sound may have a lot of static but try to refresh it a few times and it should be better)

-

Hey God, hey Jesus Christ,

We haven’t talked in a while, I’ve gotta say I don’t regret it.

Sure I smiled at you when I was just a child,

Prayed to you with folded hands, thought of you as father,

But now I’ve seen the doors of Heaven,

and they’re locked from the outside.

-

I don’t fucking care what you did for me to deserve this,

These halls of marble and these streets of gold,

Never ever leaving, if you had your way,

This may be a blessing but it looks like a cage,

You’re literally your father, a tyrant and a sadist,

Expecting me to self-flagellate my being.

-

You poisoned my mind, you turned it to wine

Sickly and sweet and diluting my brain,

You cast out my body, said it was bad,

You said it was dirty and crushed my hand

As you told me to smile and led me from the gate,

Just fucking let me go, I don’t wanna stay.

-

Or maybe I’m worthless; you’d like me to believe it,

Pouring out my heart until nothing’s fucking left,

Then putting yourself there, hoping it fits,

And telling me love hurts when it’s the right person.

So come on, kick me out of Heaven,

That crown of thorns was yours and I won’t fucking take it.

-

So fuck God and fuck Jesus Christ,

All you ever did was turn my soul to ice,

Freezing my brain and crushing my lungs,

Crystalizing my body and mind and heart,

And I don’t care if I’m sin or I’m saved,

Cos you never did any fucking thing for me.

Family member: *accidentally gets water on socks* ah dang it

My dad: remember, suffer with purpose :)

Me: