Pierce: How do you know that he's [Amenadiel] God's favorite?
Lucifer: It's a long story, involving a flaming sword and a space vagina. But the quick version: a book said it, so it must be true.
Lucifer: What is it with you humans? Huh? Always blaming me. I never make any of you do anything.
Reese: That's not true. You trick us into sin, damnation.
Lucifer: (sighs) I have a story for you, reporter. One I've never told a human soul before. I take no part in who goes to Hell.
Reese: Then who does?
Lucifer: You humans. (chuckles) You send yourselves. Driven down by your own guilt. Forcing yourselves to relive your sins over and over. And the best part... the doors aren't locked. You could leave anytime. It says something that no one ever does, doesn't it?
Reese: No. You're to blame.
Lucifer: I am responsible for a lot of things, Reese, but not your soul, not your actions, and not whoever killed that poor girl downstairs.
Reese: Eh, you... you have to be. Otherwise...
Source: imdb.com
Chloe: We need to find him [the killer]. Or else, we need to figure out a way to draw him out, carefully.
Lucifer: OR, we could just get a big stick and poke the bear as hard as we can.
Chloe: What does that mean?
Lucifer: Well, this man clearly has an oversized ego comparing himself to the likes of Johnny Kane and Dr. Scott. If we threaten that ego, trust me, he'll respond.
Dan: How do you know?
Lucifer: Because I know his type, Daniel. I used to live with him, in fact. Called him "Dad."
Lucifer: I AM keeping my word. You're [Goddess] serving out your sentence here on Earth.
Maze: You KNOW that's not what your father wanted.
Lucifer: DO I? Everyone thinks they know what he wants! Amenadiel did when he first got here, now Uriel does! Human wars have been WAGED because of it! Dad showed me an open door. Does that mean I was meant to take you back to hell, or was he insinuating that hell was getting draughty?! Nobody bloody knows because the SELFISH BASTARD WON'T JUST TELL US! I'm sick of it! No more! No more.
Source: imdb.com
Dan: Some psycho might be killing people because of your whole Devil schtick.
Lucifer: You're blaming this nonsense on me?
Dan: You do take the whole Satan thing pretty seriously.
Lucifer: You really think I'd do these vile things? These kids were pretending to be bad, but they weren't, they were innocent, so I would never hurt them. I'm not a monster!
[..]
Malcolm: I did this for you, aren't you happy?
Lucifer: Why would I be happy? I'm not evil, I PUNISH evil.
Malcolm: Yeah, but, you know, you're...
Lucifer: The Devil, yes. And you think you know who that is, don't you? The whole world does. A torturer, maybe. An inflictor of just desserts, sure. But a senseless murderer I am not. Perhaps I need to clarify my position.
[...]
Chloe: What happened?
Lucifer: Where do I begin? With the grandest fall in the history of time, or perhaps the far more agonising punishment that followed: to be blamed for every morsel of evil humanity's endured. Every atrocity committed in my name. As though I wanted people to suffer. All I ever wanted was to be my own man here. To be judged for my own doing.
Source: imdb.com
Priest: We might not always understand it, but God has a plan.
Lucifer: Yes, I know. But why does everybody always think it's a GOOD plan?
Source: imdb.com
Lucifer: Let's be honest. If you wanted to be faithful, then you wouldn't be fantasising about your limo driver now, would you, eh?
Confessing Parishoner: You're right.
Lucifer: Nonononono, don't feel bad. You have those desires for a reason, you should act on them. I mean, you could always come back here, confess and all will be forgiven. Isn't that how this "system" of yours works?
Confessing Parishoner: When you... put it that way...
Lucifer: For your penance: ten Bloody Marys and a good shag.
Source: imdb.com