Religion is a Mental Illness

‘I was laughed out of it initially when I went to gardaí about the abuse I was getting from my ex-wife’

A garda investigation into the alleged coercive control of a man by his wife is at an advanced stage.

independent.ie

A victim of alleged coercive control says there are different standards applied to male and female victims of crime in Ireland

A gardaí invest­ig­a­tion into the alleged coer­cive con­trol of a man by his wife is at an advanced stage.

It is under­stood officers in the south of the coun­try have examined a lit­any of abuse claims by the man with text mes­sages, voice notes and emails all part of the invest­ig­a­tion.

Speaking to the Sunday Independent, the man explained the barriers he faced coming forward and his belief that many others are “suffering in silence” because of societal stigma about men having crimes committed against them by their partners.

David (not his real name) has split from his wife. The couple have three children and were married for more than a decade.

David alleges his wife’s controlling behaviour began soon after they married and gradually got worse over time.

She became “fixated” on a false belief that he was being unfaithful to her and she would routinely check his phone and accuse him on a daily basis of cheating on her.

He was the sole breadwinner in the household and said she would regularly “berate” him for not being a good enough financial provider.

He eventually decided it was in both his and his children’s best interests to separate from his wife.

“I spent a year on the couch and finally decided enough was enough. I physically couldn’t take it any more. It was daily, non-stop abuse,” he said.

“Initially I just felt very relieved after I left. I was able to talk about it for the first time to my family. I’d never told anyone about it before.

“I thought after we separated, things would get better. But unfortunately it got a lot worse.”

This narrative soon gained traction in their local community and some of David’s friends and extended family started to believe her claims.

“She victimised herself. And some people automatically believed her. I felt I shouldn’t have to defend myself but people in my community began to look at me differently and I was even physically attacked by one man about it,” he said.

David added that “by far” the biggest problem he has faced since the couple separated is his belief she has turned his children against him.

David now has a new partner but he said his ex-wife has repeatedly followed him around in her car, sometimes with their children in tow, while abusing him about his new relationship.

“She has said things to the kids like, ‘He has chosen a woman over you’. They’ve said these things back to me. She has completely turned one of the kids against me. And another one of my kids seems to be half-way there,” he said.

David alleges his estranged wife has used their children’s phones to abuse him.

“She’s also taken my kids’ phones and sent me abusive messages pretending to be them, saying things like, ‘you’re a shit dad, a deadbeat dad.’ It’s been very hard to take. Being followed around has been very unnerving. And it’s not fair on my partner either,” he said.

He has made a number of complaints to Tusla, the Child and Family Agency, about issues concerning his children while in the care of their mother. It is understood gardaí have been in contact with the agency in relation to some of these matters.

In recent months, David decided to make a complaint to gardaí about his ex-wife as he began to feel overwhelmed by what he describes as the “constant” abuse and her following him.

However, he said the garda he spoke to in his local station dismissed his allegations at the front desk, “telling me to sort it out myself”.

He said: “If the shoe was on the other foot, I think a woman telling gardaí about this kind of thing would be taken much more seriously from the beginning. But I was laughed out of it initially.

“I went home and called the charity Men’s Aid. They arranged for a garda sergeant to come to my house and take my statement. I’ve been happy since with how the matter is being handled by gardaí.”

​It is understood that gardaí are preparing to send an extensive file to the DPP in relation to the investigation. Officers have been provided with text messages, voice notes and emails “of a highly abusive nature” as well as alleged evidence of online financial theft perpetrated by David’s estranged wife.

It is understood that a range of criminal charges are under consideration. These include coercive control, harassment in the form of stalking, as well as theft.

“I couldn’t get a protection order because it wasn’t physical abuse and the fact that I’m a man went against me essentially. But if this situation was in reverse, I’d already be locked up,” said David.

“There are two different standards in this country for men and women who are put through this. The issue is that there is not enough help for men.

“This is not about me trying to punish her or wanting to see her sent to prison at all. All I want is to stop looking over my shoulder. And a healthier situation for me and my kids. I just want the abuse to stop.”