I THINK I FUCKED UP
im not all that active here anymore but if anyone sees this and has a moment to listen to me vent just a little, that would mean a lot
is there anyone out there that would be willing to talk for a while
im so sick and sad and tired
its like ive been stabbed and i dont know how to fix it
i dont think anyone knows how to fix it.
im scared that the meds arent working or the new ones are fucking me up. im scared that my girlfriend is hurting herself because of me, because she feels like she needs to take care of me. i know that i cause her so much pain, i desperately want to help her but ive seen that im not ready to help another person.
there’s too much to do. theres always so much to do. always so many people who want to talk to me. always my family that i have to take care of. always my friends wanting to see me. always having to eat and sleep and bathe, and it’s all so much.
its so late. i dont even know if im making any sense anynore.
i wish i couldve been a little stronger
i ddint know it would be this hard
id miss my gf tho. im sure she’d miss me too
maybe ill get lucky and die in my sleep tonight
fyi to yall in quarantine whos grasp on reality is getting a little slippery: isolation, intense boredom, stress and lack of positive routine are absolutely contributing factors to exacerbating psychosis and psychosis-adjacent disorders, even latent ones. im not saying this to fearmonger im saying it so u can recognise it and take steps to handle it especially if it induces your first ever episode.
some warning signs can include
- starting to believe unusual things that you previously did not believe (e.g. living in a simulation / you or others around you not being real / secretly being in hell or dead / otherworldly beings communicating with you somehow / government conspiracies / everyone around you is out to get you and harboring ill intent)
- seeing things youre pretty sure arent there (e.g. shadow people, floating lights, stationary objects moving on their own, animals in a house that doesnt have pets)
- hearing things (e.g. murmured voices, occasional clear and loud voices, faint music, scratching sounds, any without a source)
- feeling a sense of dread or generalised paranoia, a sense that you are being watched or that something terrible is looming on the horizon but you dont know what
- having extra trouble putting your thoughts in order and speaking coherently, cannot concentrate, space out to the point of feeling slightly catatonic
those most at risk are anyone with a family history of this vein of mental illness as well as those using certain drugs to get through the tedium of quarantine - if this is you, its best to research whether the substances youre using have documented links to triggering episodes of psychosis in users. weed is included in this, not just psychoactive drugs.
here are some steps you can take to get a handle on the situation if your grasp on reality is slipping like this and you cant access irl mental health resources.
- have a routine. this is vitally important - you need structure. set an alarm for a specific time every day, even though you have nowhere to be. give yourself a bedtime. eat 2 meals a day, at least, at regular times.
- leave the house. no, i dont mean Go Out, just be outside for a while every day or two. go for a walk if you can. stand outside your house for 15 minutes paying attention to the cars and the birds and the breeze and the clouds if you cant. really observe your surroundings. get sunlight.
- on that note - let as much natural light into your house as possible during waking hours. your circadian rhythm needs it.
- take up some form of hobby that requires physical engagement - whether thats journaling, drawing, making origami, gardening, cooking. the point of this is to ground yourself in your body and the world around you, have an affect on your surroundings, and stimulate your brain.
- dont dwell on your delusions, hallucinations or distressing trains of thought if you can help it. that isnt to say "snap out of it and just dont have symptoms", but rather accept them without either judging them or overindulging in them. observe them as they happen, accept that they happen, and let it go, if you can. you may not be able to control the experiences, but you can control how you react to them, and the best case scenario is not allowing them to overwhelm your thoughts and your days. this is much easier said than done, especially if the experiences are distressing in nature, but the aim is to sever the feedback loop that causes further stress and thus further bad extrasensory experiences.
this is honestly just a basic surface scratch of advice though bc im by no means an expert, just someone w latent psychosis who used to work in the field for a while. there are tons of resources online by others who have experienced psychosis that can be a huge help if u think you might be at risk due to the stress, boredom and uncertainty of quarantine
If you need to check a sound or image for reality record it with your phone. Psychosis related stuff pretty much never shows up second time round in a recording. Someone I know uses a sound visualizer app that shows sound Waves and if they cannot see the feedback they know the sound is not real.
for anyone who is lonely rn!!
if you want someone to talk to or you need some fuckshit to do ill gladly watch a movie with you or we could do drawful or play spla2n and i will listen to your problems and you can talk about your special interests and i will ask about your ocs and send pictures of my new puppy or cursed images just send me a message and ill give you my discord!!
“I beg of you When you look at your wrist With the urge to split it in two Please consider the stars. Those blueish viens that you so desperately want to open contain four iron atoms iron is only naturally occurring in the core of dying stars. The stars died for you, don’t let that be in vain.”
— stars (t.m) [space 3/?]
please do not rb if you are not trauma/csa/anything related to the tags! thank u
“I don’t want to want this. The shower burns again. Skin screams at the light it was never meant to see. I’m supposed to be better. I have to be better.”
— this isn’t who i want to be anymore (t.m)
♡ sad b&w blog ♡