Okay but imagine Kon not being as invincible as Clark due to the human portion of his DNA (as in, he can get hurt without kryptonite but it requires a whole lot of force), and therefore having a higher tolerance than Superman to pain.
Clark grunting from pain + Kon being confused because??? It was 1 punch??? Dude??? Are you okay???
No, but like Family Feud between the Kents (Clark, Lois, Kara, Conner, Jon) and the Waynes (Bruce, Dick, Jason, Tim, Damian).
I just like to imagine Bruce being progressively more competitive as the show goes on to the point where his kids have to remind him that he's guest-starring as Brucie Wayne.
Meanwhile, someone sneaks a behind-the-scenes photo of Tim and Kon laughing together which starts an argument about Tim fraternizing with the enemy. The moment Damian opens his mouth, tho, Tim whips a picture of his little brother and Jon having ice cream together, which causes Dick and Jason to round up on the both of them.
Bruce refusing to speak to Clark because he can't believe Kent guessed something he couldn't, and Lois trying not to laugh about Clark's confused expression the entire time they are on air. Kara, on the other hand, having no such reservations and doing her best to crush the opposing family.
Kon, being secretly a competitive asshole as well but having to decide whether he'll rather lose or deal with a pouty Tim if the Waynes lose. Jon just really having the time of his life. An absolute blast, 10/10 would do again.
(Bonus: Cass, Steph and Barbara watching the entire thing on the Manor's living room with Alfred looking more and more disappointed whenever the family doesn't get the right answers).
Sailor Krypton (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
A video is leaked of Batman deep into a lecture rant. Of course it has to be him repremanding any of the kids and teens he works with right?
Wrong. In the last second the camera pans to show Superman and some other Leaguers.
The Batkids uploaded the video.
This fic was inspired by all of the awesome Battinson posts by @broosepayne and the hilarious soccer practice art by @applesojus
Summary: “I’m not giving you an interview, Kent.”
“You always say that, and I always tell you that I’m not here for an interview, Bruce,” Kent laughed, not at all bothered by Bruce’s aloofness. “We’re just two dads at soccer practice having a chat.”
Bruce had been avoiding talking to the other parents on the soccer pitch since the season began a few weeks ago. So far his resting jerk face had saved him from enduring mundane conversations and gossip going around the sidelines amongst the other parents. Only one dad kept trying to make small talk with him and Bruce wasn’t having it. One, it’s small talk something Bruce had successfully avoided all his life. Two, it was Clark Kent, a reporter from the Daily Planet. He was not telling that guy anything. But the big lug won’t take the hint no matter how rude or standoffish Bruce had been to him.
“Hiya, Bruce,” Kent greeted, closing the distance between them.
“Hrn,” Bruce grunted, moving away from Kent and keeping his eyes on the pitch watching Dick do dribbling drills. “I’m not giving you an interview, Kent.”
“You always say that, and I always tell you that I’m not here for an interview,” Kent laughed, not at all bothered by Bruce’s aloofness. “We’re just two dads at soccer practice having a chat.”
“Hrn,” Bruce glared, shoving his hands in the pockets of his oversized jacket.
Kent just smiled at him, but Bruce didn’t trust him. Kent could just as likely turn this small interaction into an interview if he wanted. It happened to Bruce only once, years ago with a reporter from the Gotham Gazette, and he wasn’t falling it for a second time. Kent was not getting the hint.
“It looks like you and Dick are adjusting quite well. He looks happy.”
Of course, Dick was happy now. He’s currently outside in the sun and fresh air running around with kids his own age. He wasn’t happy two months ago, but Bruce never pressured Dick to talk. He did make himself available to Dick in case he needed to talk (with Alfred’s intervention of course). That was really all Dick had needed; to know that someone who shared his grief and loss was there to help him. It turned out Dick was the exact opposite of Bruce. The kid loved to talk and be around people – at the same time.
“We’re fine.”
Battinson meeting Superman, because if anyone needs a sunshine alien it’s him.
—
Bruce, in full Batman mode, tracks Superman down and eventually finds him on a rooftop in Metropolis. He grapples up, perches himself on an A/C unit, and stares.
Clark, new to the Superman thing, just trying to enjoy a burger and fries after helping with a house fire: Um. Hi?
Bruce:
Clark: I’ve noticed you following me? You’re from Gotham. The Batman.
Bruce: *shines a flashlight at Clark’s food*
Clark: Yeah. It’s a cheeseburger and curly fries. Did you want some or…? Do you need help? Seems like you maybe need some help.
Bruce: *shines the light in Clark’s eyes*
Clark: Do you want to, um, talk or something?
Bruce: what are you
Clark: I’m Superman! :)
Bruce: alien?
Clark: How did you—
Bruce: I am a bat.
Clark: O-kay. So do you want to be friends or…?
Bruce:…
Clark: :)
Bruce: *launches himself off the side of the building*
—
Alfred: Good morning Bruce, how was patrol?
Bruce, rewatching the conversation with Clark on his computer: i think i made a friend today Alfred
Ok, but the idea of Bruce getting at least 1/3 of his mannerisms from Alfred and inadvertantly passing it down to his children, but the entire family thinking of those little quirks like "Bruce's things" until someone --Clark, probably, and very quietly-- points out "I'm pretty sure you guys got it from Alfred" has me GOING.
DISREGARD THE ALFRED KNOWS EVERYTHING THING. Alfred knowing shit about it and being as surprised as everyone else is way funnier.
everyone at the daily planet thinks Lois is cheating on her husband with Superman. it's just like an open secret in the office & they think Clark is just cheerfully oblivious to the world's most public affair. they can't agree on whether to tell him or let him live in ignorant bliss.
eventually someone semi-new to the company works up the courage to sit him down and have the 'hey man I'm really sorry but I think you have a right to know' conversation and he's just like *totally not prepared for this situation* 'no it's fine... because... we're... in an open relationship??'
and anyway now the office rumour mill is just on fire
Lois:
Clark:
Lois, who has been trying for years to convince her colleagues that her relationship with Superman is strictly professional and that they're reading too much into it:
Clark, who is hardcore monogamous & now has people starting conversations with him at work about polyamory:
Lois, whose colleagues now feel empowered to ask her uncomfortably intimate questions about Superman:
Clark: ............look i panicked okay
Lois: why would you do this to me
obviously the only solution is to stage a very public breakup between Lois & Superman but that has its own drawbacks
Superman, at a JL meeting: *heaves his third world-weary sigh of the morning*
Flash: are you feeling okay? you seem really down
Superman: me and Lois broke up ):
Flash: yeah but. it was pretend, right? you're still married to her?
Superman: yeah i guess ):
Batman: he's upset because he can't hold his wife's hand in costume any more
Superman: LOOK I JUST WANT TO HOLD HER HAND OK
Reporter: Superman! Superman, why did you break up with Lois Lane? She is by all accounts perfect
Superman, panicking: Because... because I'm dating Batman!
Bruce, halfway across the world, trying to take a damn vacation for once: "Take a break", they said, "relax we won't let anything happen", they said.
Reporters definitely reach out to Bruce asking how he felt after finding out Batman was cheating on him with Superman.
I also love the implication that even on vacation Bruce has to watch news clips involving Superman.
The various Robins are EAGER to talk to reporters about the drama of their dad, step-dad, and "that Metropolis hussy."
The Joker throws a fire bomb through a newspaper office window attached to a Kevlar note that says, "He swore I was the only one!"
The Joker would not, because that would actually be funny.
Justice League Biannual Budget Meeting
Bruce: …to summarize, we need to be spending less money on food and more on tech. Any questions?
Everyone, looking at one another:
Hal, internally: please no please no don’t ask questions I want to leave please nobody talk everyone shut up don’t—
Clark:…*clicks his tongue thoughtfully*
Hal, internally: NO don’t you DARE he’ll go on for another FORTY MINUTES DON'T YOU DARE YOU JOHN DEERE FARMBOY NO—
Clark: Well...
Hal, internally: No no one else is asking questions please don't please clark i'll do anything i'll go to your stupid farm and personally remove all of the prairie dogs please no no no
Clark: This six-part budgeting plan you laid out? Part four seems a little redundant. Can you explain your reasoning?
Bruce, nodding and pulling up a 24-slide Powerpoint: Absolutely. First, I'd like to review the quarterly expenses on the Watchtower--
Hal, internally: *Combusting*
J'onn, tuned into Hal's brain: 👁👄👁
-
Later that day, once Bruce gets home:
Tim: How was the meeting?
Bruce: Satisfying.
Tim:...
Tim: You baited Clark into asking a question so Hal would get mad, didn't you?
You know I think this is hilarious on its own but we’re forgetting that Barry Allen’s entire body and mind functions WAY faster than everyone else’s in the League, so while Hal is having an internal breakdown, imagine how Barry must be feeling. He’s gotta be going nuts having to sit still and listen to everyone’s voices slowed down by like 100%. Be like:
Diana, suddenly feeling the table vibrating: Barry, are you okay?
Barry, with glazed eyes and a mad bouncing leg: I stopped processing the natural world a half hour ago and am very concerned with the fact that it’s taken this long to discuss a budget plan I learned in 5 seconds and we’re forgetting the fact that I can’t stop eating or I’ll literally waste away so cutting food expense isn’t really a viable option. But yeah, I’m stellar.
Oliver, blinking and nudging J’onn in the side: I don’t think he’s stellar.
Conner rebels and Tim supports him.
After the whole Kon and Bart coming back from the dead thing, the Core Four glue themselves to each other. Bruce says "No methas in Gotham" and they move to the Titans Tower in protest, no contact. Batman has to fcking gravel to get Tim back. Dick throws a temper tantrum when Bruce eventually lets Kon, Bart and Cassie crash in Gotham because he never let Wally sleep over when Dick was younger.
It takes Bruce an entire week to realize they are not leaving. They are his children now by association. Clark wants to have words with him.
- six years after they met, batman called for superman’s help for the first time, when he realized he couldn’t save a child from a fire
- dick grayson, age 8, called for superman to save batman from a death trap
- dick grayson, age 9, called superman to open a jam jar (strawberry)
- alfred, age lots, called superman to save batman from a death trap
- dick grayson, age 11, called superman to open a jam jar (grape)
- bruce wayne called superman to comfort dick grayson, who had just been fired as robin
- ace the bathound barked for superman to save batman from a death trap
- bruce wayne called superman to ask why, precisely, dick grayson was now superhero-ing under a kryptonian name
- jason todd called superman to save batman from a death trap
- batman called superman to save jason todd from a death trap. superman was in a different solar system. he didn’t hear his name.
- barbara gordon called superman to help subdue supergirl, who was mind-controlled at the time
- dick grayson, age 19, called superman to open a jam jar (raspberry)
- tim drake called superman to save batman from a death trap
- stephanie brown called superman to see if she could
- tim drake called superman to tell superboy to take his earbuds out
- batman called superman because the batplane had just exploded at 17,000 feet, and he can’t fly, at all
- jason todd called superman to save batman from a death trap that he had himself set up
- dick grayson, age 24, called superman to open a jam jar (fig)
- dick grayson called superman to ask him why he hadn’t saved his father
- damian wayne called superman to save batman (dick grayson) from a death trap
- cassandra cain called superman so he could interpret her signs for a particularly skeevy alleyway ruffian. he refused to interpret some of the signs.
- batman called superman to tell him to get lois some damn flowers already so she would stop texting him
- a failsafe device made by barbara gordon and tim drake automatically called superman to save batman from a death trap
- duke thomas called superman because he was dared to and he didn’t think it would work (it did)
- dick grayson, age 26, called superman to open a jam jar (apricot)
- damian wayne called superman to tell superboy (jon kent) to take his earbuds out
- selina kyle called superman to save a kitten from a tree
- dick grayson, age 28, called superman to save batman from a jam jar (giant, acid-filled)
hot take: all the robins were leash kids except for tim, because when he was robin, bruce was the leash kid
No, but now I imagine some higher power catching Batman and calling Robin like "young sir??? we have your child adult. come pick him up?" And Tim just rolls in like "can't believe I'm 14 going on 30".
the fact that you managed to make my mediocre post actually funny means i owe you my life
If someone could please doodle 14yo Tim as Robin skateboarding into the Watchtower to pick up Batman after Superman and Wonder Woman put him into the superhero equivalent of "the corner" while saying something akin to "Thanks for looking after him, I'll take him off your hands now", I would appreciate it very much.
Picturing Clark explaining how he’s on good terms with the batfam (and Batman especially) and he just says:
“What really helped me is approaching them like they’re cats. See, watch this! Batman?” Bruce turns to look at him, and Clark slow blinks, and Bruce visibly relaxes a bit and slow blinks back before carrying on.
The league take this advice in very different directions.
batfam head bumps
BATFAM HEADBUMPS
Damian fucking headbutts Tim
The question now is: how aware is the batfam of their cat-likeness?
Are they completely unaware? They think this is (somewhat) normal behaviour?
Did they overhear superman and decide to make an elaborate joke?
Or was superman saying that a wake up call to see how living and being cared for by Bruce turn them into this.
@melony-lemony Don’t hide your gold in the tags
a 5 min doodle to demonstrate!!!
Hal gets the most scratches
(batman's gauntlets have sharp claws don't boo me I'm right)
from @leafman 's tags
at this point I’m just laughing at my own jokes
We don’t appreciate the fact that Bruce Wayne is a Kardasian level celebrity enough. Everyone knows him. I want more one shots and crack fic moments where the League (Pre identity reveals) just openly talk about Bruce Wayne in front of Batman.
Just imagine them playing fuck, marry, kill with famous actors and such and throwing Bruce into the mix. And Batman just sits there, silently suffering as he listens to the reasons why Flash and Lantern would marry, fuck, or kill him. He prays they choose kill. They don’t.
Barry: Eat the rich!
Bruce: Oh thank Go-
Clark: Oh, I intend to 🥴🥵
It’s Batman’s turn. Bruce needs to decide whether to marry himself for the money or throw himself off the cliff.
Okay but can you imagine what kind of identity reveal situation that would be?
“I would fuck —-, I would marry —-, and then I would commit suicide.”
“Batman, that’s not how the game is played. You have to choose for Bruce Wayne.”
“I did.”
“…WHAT?!”
“I would kill Bruce Wayne just to get him out of this conversation.”
This works best if the reveal comes after literally everyone else has played, and half of the people have said “I’d marry Bruce Wayne for the money” and the other half have not only said that they’d fuck him, but been reasonably graphic as to how.
Flash: So, tall, dark, and scary, what’ll it be? Are you going to marry Bruce Wayne so he can fund all of your sick gadgets? Maybe you’ll be a gentle lover to him like Aquaman here, work him over like a hunk of meat like Supes? Or maybe Brucie is the one person in the world you break your code for. Come on, what’ve you got for us?
Batman: -pauses- Honestly, I don’t think there will ever be a better time for this. -pulls off his cowl-
Justice League: -horrified screeching-
Via @milfmarthawayne
[Image ID: Tags reading “#bruce to himself: #do I keep my secret identity secret or deliver the greatest punchline in the history of situational comedy” End ID]
Okay but bruce and bernard both on conspiracy boards but these two are the most infamous of rivals. Like they are known far and wide for how badly they tear each other's theories into shreds. Like bruce spends half his time on the batcomputer just making counter arguments to whatever bs bernard just posted. Better yet when they find out that they're rivals its like that spiderman meme and bruce points @ bernard like redrobinlover42069 ?????? and bernard in turn points @ him like dothebuttsmatch????????? And tim is just like what is happening right now
Anyway tim initially assumes bruce disapproves of bernard because he's just in protective dad mode but no its cuz bruce can't deal with the prospect of his son marrying his mortal enemy in the future. Clarks like bruce chill the kid is like 18 bruce just bursts out with i can still salvage this IS CONNER SINGLE?!???
Conner is *not* single. He is, in fact, dating both Tim and Bernard. Uff.
