Area 51:’D
It’s the 20th of September 2019. We’re all lined up perfectly near area 51, ready to raid it. I’m part of the third wave, the fortnite dancers, and it would be a lie to say that I’m not nervous. In just four minutes, we’ll be trying to break in using the same strategy we practiced so many times on our Minecraft server.
I think to myself, shifting nervously from one foot to the other and tucking on my „If you shoot me you’re gay“ shirt. „Are you okay, kid?“ Someone asks an I turn around to see one of the furries, who serve as distraction. „Yes, just a bit nervous. Thanks for asking.“ I reply, giving it a high five: „Good luck.“ It made its way toward the first wave, passing the naruto runners, and took its place. People were mumbling and I replayed the strategy in my head.
First, the Furries distract the guards while the naruto runners make their way toward the gate, dodging the bullets and breaking the lock. Then we dance toward them, forcing them to reload the guns so the Karens and anti-vaxx kids can storm up and ask for the manager while their children spread different diseases.
At that point, I remembered to put my shaggy gasmask and to make sure I had my totem of undying in my pocket.
„Attention, everyone!“ A voice in the very front calls out through a megaphone: „The raid is about to start, please open your energy drinks now. And remember: Not all of you might leave this place alive, but they won’t be able to get all of us. Cheers!“ Thousands and thousands of cans are cracked open and quietly curse, realizing that I forgot mine. I carefully tap the shoulder of the girl next to me: „Sorry, but can take a sip too? I forgot mine and I don’t want tide pods to be the last thing I’ve tasted.“ She looks at me for a moment, before she smiles and hands me her drink: „Sure, knock yourself out.“ Thankfully I take a sip, feeling the sweet but warm liquid run down my throat. „Thanks.“ „Get on your places, everyone!“ The voice orders and we all get ready. After another moment of silence, the last order is spoken confidently: „Go!“.
Thousands of people are now running or dancing toward the gate and in mere seconds the air is filled with a deafening mixture of screams, gunshots and quite a large number of Alexas playing despacito in the last wave. „Naruto runners, it’s your turn, hurry!“ I hear an unfamiliar voice scream over the noise. Breathing in the hot air under my mask, I take out my totem of undying and hold it tightly in my left hand. For a moment I worry that the second wave might be unsuccessful, but I am proven otherwise by a guard screaming: „They broke the lock, don’t let them get in!“
Our turn. Let’s fortnite dance the hell out of them.
We increase our speed and from the corner of my eye, I can see that the friendly girl next to me is gone. She was probably hit by a bullet earlier on, but I can’t think about that now. Finally, the guards have to reload and we can run onto the area. The noise of people asking for the manager and children sneezing is getting quieter as we are getting farther away from the gate. „Good job, guys!“ I say to no one in particular. We keep running, a few of the guards following us but they’re too slow and too busy loading their guns that we get into the main building without any real trouble. „Listen guys!“ Someone announces: „There are more guards inside, but we’ll have to make smaller groups anyways! Every row makes a group, when you’re out, don’t wait up for the other groups, no matter who’s in them. Good luck.“ We do what we’re told and soon there are thirteen groups of about twenty people each inside, searching the rooms for anything interesting. It takes some time to move through the building as unnoticed as possible but eventually we find something that attracts our attention; It’s a small white tube, filled with something soft.
We read the words printed on the side and we can’t believe our eyes: It’s a toothpaste that’s recommended by ten out of ten dentists. We quickly agree who gets to keep it and start searching the rooms again. In the end, we have the toothpaste, a working McDonald’s ice cream machine, three bottles of shampoo that doesn’t make one’s eyes burn, seven alien eggs, two aliens, a unicorn and five orders full of Hogwarts letters that never arrived. I carry one of the aliens, who can make a shield against the bullets, on my shoulder, flipping off the remaining guards near the exit and run toward my freedom, through the cheers of the other groups and waves that have survived the raid. Knowing that more of them will get inside and find even more stuff makes me feel great, even though the thought of all the dead people sort of pulls me down at the same time. Still, I’m glad the raid was successful and I hope to be home before my mother knows I’m gone since the signature on my permission slip was faked and I’ll be in real trouble if she finds out that I went anyway. I remove my mask and breath in the fresh air, putting the alien down: „Would you like to come with me?“ I ask and offer it my hand. It nods slightly, accepts the offer and walk into our freedom together.
