RESIDENT SNAIL NERD

out of my pumpkin head when you’re not around

Happy Out Of Touch Halloween Thursday, everyone!

Trump is such an attention hog. "Oh they tried to assassinate me again" yeah yeah we've heard it before get new material

they missed you once already, mix it up a little! take a shot or two, the crowd will love it!

this image can only be shared on Thursday, Sept. 12

Out of Touch Thursday, Sept. 12th.

Me, watching my kitten hold still for a suspiciously long time: Ollie, are you peeing on my floor?

Ollie: Not

Me: Are you sure?

Ollie, grunting through time and space to push out a chocolate mcmuffin wider than he is tall: Not

Me, helpless, arms full of hot chili: Ollie, no! Ollie no! No, Ollie! God, Jesus, Ollie! Ollie, nooo!!

Ollie:

Artist's recreation of incident

every day i go to work & i have to witness this sketchy assed tree across the street

[ID: a fallen tree which is almost completely horizontal. the only thing keeping it off the ground is the power lines, which it’s resting on. behind it is a white house surrounded and obscured by other, less hazardous trees and shrubs.]

scenic fall greetings from Danger Tree

[ID: the same tree but in autumn, surrounded by other, more colorful trees.]

the brand new cheap-ass fence at the grocery store may not have survived the recent weather but danger tree sure did💖god bles

[ID: the same tree, now in winter, covered with a thin layer of snow.]

Danger Tree looking springy💖

[ID: the same tree in spring, with the other trees around it covered in new leaves.]

DELETE THIS POST

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

*clicks play in morbid curiosity*

*hammers reblog button*

I think I find this post every April Fools Day and I am so happy that I do

I don’t know how I forget about this every year but I love it

Finally got a clear shot of noonoo carrying her spring, it's her favourite toy

Biblically Accurate Angelfood Cake

Hosting a watch party with Ribs today.

bringing this to a Christian bake sale

I can't sleep so Star Trek TOS/SNW dashboard simulator

🪆 chekovsgunman Follow

to this day I can't understand why they're called the Three Musketeers if there's FOUR of them? Did Dumas just forget his own main character???

🪴 plantdad Follow

You've got to be kidding me

🪆 chekovsgunman Follow

I know right? A mistake like this would never happen in Russian literature!

5,324 notes

🩺 therealmccoy Follow

After months of taking care of everyone else on this giant tin can I really earned this shore leave. Now I get to drink, relax, flirt with some lovely ladies and sleep until noon 😎 Just what the the doctor ordered!

🩺 therealmccoy Follow

Update: A fucking purple tree ate five crewmen. Again.

955 notes

🖖 iamspock Follow

Despite being among humans for close to a decade, I still find their tendency to overcomplicate and avoid aspects of social situations to be confusing at best and infuriating at worst. So much time is wasted on tedious matters such as who gets to 'make the first move' or 'not come off too strong'.

For example, everyone aboard my vessel is keenly aware of Lt. Uhura and Engineer Scott's 'budding romance'. But their need to extend their oddly avoidant courtship ritual, rather than outright state their interest in one another, is pointless, as well as frustrating to witness.

Why do they do this? Why not 'get it over with', as they say?

I encourage answers from all cultures, human or otherwise.

💅 janicethemenace Follow

I'm sorry Scotty and Nyota are WHAT

💉 xtinechapel Follow

DELETE THIS

💖 ofmanytongues Follow

SPOCK NOOO HE DOESN'T THINK OF ME LIKE THAT 😭

🔧 scott-free Follow

But I do! I thought you knew and were just being nice about it!

💖 ofmanytongues Follow

DMing you rn 😳

🖖 iamspock Follow

You're welcome.

24,103 notes

🌟 j_tiberius_k Follow

PSA: If you visit Antares VII, stay clear of any yellow plants, their pollen can have some...inconvenient effects on the biology of humanoid peoples.

My XO and I suffered through troubling symptoms until it was almost too late. Thankfully, we figured out a cure in time.

🪴 plantdad Follow

I can only find info on the symptoms. What was the cure? 👀

🌟 j_tiberius_k Follow

Do I really have to say it?

6,322 notes

💊 mmmbenga Follow

The galaxy if Klingons didn't exist

⚔️ glorytotheempire Follow

Wow. Humans are openly advocating for our disappearance yet Klingons are the bad guys? I thought your federation stood for peace.

💊 mmmbenga Follow

Cry harder you genocidal wrinkly-faced bitch I hope your planet gets sucked into a black hole

35,007 notes

😎 ortegaaaas Follow

So I can either skim through this asteroid belt on Warp 2 for 3 hrs or on Warp 5 for 15 mins

🚀 mitchiemitch Follow

Erica no! That's not how navigation works!

😎 ortegaaaas Follow

FLOOR IT???

🚀 mitchiemitch Follow

ERICA NO

😎 ortegaaaas Follow

HOW ABOUT WARP 7 FOR 15 SECONDS?

💖 ofmanytongues Follow

ERICA YOU'RE GOING TO CRASH THE SHIP

😎 ortegaaaas Follow

I AM GOING TO HARNESS LIGHT-SPEED TO ZIGZAG THROUGH THE VOID

🚀 mitchiemitch

ERICA P L E A S E

112,517 notes

🐴 sirsilverfox Follow

I know some species are very private, but you'd think they'd share the important stuff, esp when we should trust each other by now.

How are we supposed to enjoy my weekly dinners if you all don't tell me what to watch out for :/ This is the third time this happens to the same person and I had to get the answer why from our CMO

💫 numerouna Follow

Wait what did I miss while I was gone

🐴 sirsilverfox Follow

Spock got wasted on my chocolate fudge cake and hit his head on the counter ://///

2,904 notes

Today in niche genres of joke that I can never get enough of and will probably still be secretly thinking about four years later

My personal favorite:

I don't know that I've ever seen someone make the Aardman Grimace in real life.

Truly a masterclass in harrowingly strained enthusiasm!

i've drawn enough of them. be free now. go. into the wild with you all

ill never forget when hbomberguy reblogged this post of mine:

and hbomber guy reblogged it and said:

highest of honors

Water biscuits

This is a spiritual companion to that exclamation point kitty.