Blame's on me

Here's the story I'm finally done writing thanks to the help of my friend who helped me a LOT. This fic was a big challenge for me because I never wrote about the Avatar universe. But I felt in love with Jake and Neytiri's kids in ATWOW. Their story and the tragic ending moved me. And I felt the need to write about how Lo'ak finally accept he's not responsible of his brother's death. I need this comfort fic so I wrote it. And I was inspired by so many people in this fandom! I thank them for helping me making this fic the best possible.

Finally, here are two songs that inspired me to describe Lo'ak's emotions: Blame by Graves and Blame's on me by Alexander Stewart which gave the name of this one shot.

Also I did some of the prompts @movietimegirl shared :)

I hope you'll enjoy this story as much as I do. Please give me feedbacks so I can know what you thought of it! See you soon folks!

...

Alone. 

Misunderstood.

As far back as he could remember, Lo'ak had always felt all alone.

But his brother was dead. And now he felt the loneliness more than ever. He realized that, before today, he had never really been alone. Neteyam had always been by his side. And it took his death to realize that.

Neteyam, his lifelong protector, had died protecting him one last time. He would have to go on without him. And it was all his fault, he knew it. If he hadn't forced him to go back for Spider, Neteyam wouldn't have been shot, and he would still be alive.

Although Lo'ak had always felt left out, Neteyam had always been there for him and often made up for his mistakes. His habit of putting himself in danger had killed his brother. He would never forgive himself. 

All the events of the last few months came back to his mind in succession. Lo'ak regularly endangered his brothers and sisters. He had deliberately disobeyed his father to retrieve weapons during the maglev raid, and his brother had almost died in the attack. Then he had endangered his sisters and even Spider by taking them to the old shack where they had met Quaritch... he couldn't help but feel that he was the reason for their escape. At least, taking refuge within the Metkayina clan had allowed him to meet Tsireya and Payakan. But then again, during the battle, Lo'ak had left his sisters in the hands of Quaritch, and they had all nearly drowned... All the mistakes that he didn’t see.

"You've done enough." 

His father was right. 

Neteyam died because of him. He knew it was too late for apologies. It was all his fault. 

"Alien, that’s all they see."

His brother had tried to love him when he hated himself. Lo'ak was an outcast, they were all right to reject him.

He was no good for anyone. His presence only hurt the others. Everyone was probably better off without him anyway. He had seen the pain in his mother's eyes. He knew that his presence alone reminded her that he was the only reason for her immeasurable sadness. And he didn't want to inflict that on her. 

So Lo'ak stayed alone, in a far corner of the village. He took refuge near the mangroves, a place with dense vegetation where he could vanish without trace. But it was at the foot of the mangroves that he came to rest and think. Where natural terraces of rocks overlooking the sea had formed. It was his and Tsireya's secret place. She taught him the way of water here. The rocky bank opened up into a large hole more than ten meters deep. Lo'ak, as a forest boy, had room for improvement but she had taken the time to teach him. To teach them. 

He would balance between the rocks and then sit on the edge, gazing out at the endless ocean for hours, his eyes lost in the horizon. Tsireya had come to see him a few times. She had sat next to him, she had tried to talk to him. But no words could come out of his mouth. So she just sat there, beside him, silent. He knew how lucky he was to have her as her friend. She could see into him. But he felt unworthy. She and Neteyam were also very close, he knew they talked about him behind his back. And he had torn that away from her too.

The only one he could still confide in was Payakan, his spiritual brother, who he was perched on right now.

"Payakan, how am I going to move forward without him?" the teenager breathed, lying on the animal's massive shell.

"Be patient Lo'ak," uttered Payakan. 

"You know what I told him before all of this happened?" He stood up, waving his hands.

"I told him you were my brother... that I would never be him... the perfect son..." 

His eyes darkened.

"Oh Payakan... what have I done..." 

The boy looked down at his hands as if they were still soaked with his brother's blood. 

"It's no use blaming yourself," his friend tried to reassure him.

Lo'ak said nothing. He thought of his brother. He would do whatever he could to make him say "it's okay" again,to make him tell that everything would go back to the way it was. He hated just what it came to. He lost him, now he felt lost. But he couldn't hold it against him, only he was to blame. Just like Payakan, he would have to pay for it the rest of his life. 

Did that make him a killer? 

He sat up, bringing his legs up to him and wrapping his arms around them. He tried to hold back the tears but felt them burning his eyes. Sobbing, the boy buried his head in his lap and let the sadness flow out of him.