The only god that exists is Me.

Me:

My brain: “Rudyard Funn owns a funeral home in Piffling Vale. It used to be the only one. It isn’t anymore—“

Here’s a little confidence tactic I like to call “Assertive Conversation by Rudyard Funn”. Pretty much what you have to do is answer every single phone call with the phrase, “Now look here,” in your most indignant voice. You will also need to pepper this phrase into your day to day speech to maintain your image.

Here’s an example:

”hey there! I’m opening a funeral home across from yours!”

your answer: “now look here!” (And then you add what you’d like to say in an angry voice)