Totally judging you if you pick these *

ROUND 1: ELAINE (seinfeld) VS BEOWULF (beowulf)

YEAH?? FUCKING YEAH??

ROUND 1: GILGAMESH (the epic of gilgamesh) VS SCRATCH (ice age)

@headspace-hotel time to do propaganda

Is Scrat canonically bisexual and part of a world-shaking gay love saga so enduring it's the oldest known work of written literature? No. Is Scrat known as "He Who Saw the Abyss?" No. Did Scrat build the great walls of Uruk? No. Does Scrat wield a sword that weighs 120 pounds? No. Did Scrat commit so many atrocities it required the gods to build a gay soulmate for him to keep him occupied? No. I rest my case.

actually that last one definitely happened with scrat. it was his acorn.

How is the acorn gay

When I say Gilgamesh and Enkidu are canonically gay for each other, I don't mean "oh the text says they love each other and [untranslatable] so that means they're obviously gay" I mean "there are real ancient Sumerian poems where it is made 100% clear that Gilgamesh and Enkidu Had Sex"

Gilgamesh literally is The Character Of All Time. He's been mankind's blorbo for well over 4 millennia. He invented homoeroticism. All y'all are just illiterate

ROUND 1: VRISKA (vriska) VS JESUS OF NAZARETH (bible)

all complaining about "bracketing" here are fools. they do not understand my machinations. yes, this could have been a final battle, but would it have been? either of them could have been killed ten times over before they made it into the finals. there are far stronger opponents each will face along the way. no, i simply could not risk it. i HAD to know. would vriska defeat christianity? would the power of jesus yaoi be enough to topple vriska? your suffering is meaningless here. no, this one was for me.

it has only been a few hours but it is already glorious to watch. many are voting out of love yes. But many are voting because they hate jesus. many are voting because they hate vriska. many hate both but their bloodlust is only reserved for one. i saw one who didnt even know who vriska WAS. could you imagine? the blood has only started to flow and yet i am already seeing the most beautiful arguments for their deaths. i am entranced. this is everything i hoped it would be, and I could never have risked missing it. i have no regrets.

also they are currently acting as advertising for the bracket. seo optimization and all that. #justinfluencerthingz #manifesting #pyramidscheme or whatever

update. the people voting jesus because they, quote, "want to fuck him": you are the most honest motherfuckers on this bitch of an earth

ROUND 1: COUNT OLAF (a series of unfortunate events) VS KERMIT THEE FROG (muppets)

ROUND 1: CABBAGE MAN (avatar) VS FRED (spongebob)

"MY LEG"- GREAT QUOTES OF FRED

HAVE YOUR DAMNED BRACKET

IS THIS NOT WHAT YOU DESIRED?

oh yes of course, i agonized over the initial matchups (and what some of them would lead to in later rounds) for many horrible days. while not every matchup was bespoke and some simply happened once others were laid out, most of them were handpicked. I did this because otherwise, I would have had to do my taxes.

considering publishing the full submission list for yall to look thru at your leisure. notes:

alright. here, enjoy.

NOTE: as stated, there are characters not on this spreadsheet that made it in. unedited version except for exactly 1 (one) removal request and. maybe 2 accidental removals that idk why?? so note this is Unedited mostly. Feel free to let me know if theres anything in here that should probs be removed that I missed while skimming thru. 1500 submissions. or if anyone else wants their own removed. otherwise, enjoy the hell

this is what the people want