1x11/3x15

Season 3 Finale Coda

I don’t know about you all, but I was FASCINATED when Connor said the line “I’m having coming out flashbacks.” I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I wrote this. TRIGGER WARNINGS: Self harm/suicide attempt, homophobia/slurs Please enjoy! I’m real proud of this one!

It’s in the quietest moments when his thoughts make the most noise.

When it’s quiet and he’s alone, when there aren’t other people around to talk or distract him, his thoughts and memories creep up on him, wrap around his entire being and choke him.

All the memories, all the thoughts and feelings, past and present, decided to hit him, like a violent gust of wind, all at once.

Connor has a knuckle white grip on the sink, staring at his wrists. He can still make out the purple bruises and rash from the cuffs digging into his skin. It all floods back to him, everything that happened. Finding Wes, smelling the gas, bolting out of the house. The way his ears rang when he heard the explosion. The helplessness as he watched the house burn to a crisp, Wes still inside, dying before his eyes in a heap of fire and smoke.  

He didn’t see the pictures of Wes until they were at Bonnie’s; the sight of Wes, full of bright smiles and shy tones, lifeless on a metal slab, flesh seared to the core, muscles torn apart, made him want to vomit in the chair right there. The sound of the explosion played over and over in his head, coupled with Laurel’s screaming, hollering that he should kill himself, end it so they wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore.

In that moment, a small part of him knew she had a point.

Connor’s breathing went ragged and strained, heart quickening as the memories burned into him.

He gazed at his wrists again, remembering every pang of his stomach another hour he went without food in the holding room, and the way his tongue dried with each minute without water. How he felt like a chained animal, remembering the last time he was restrained like that.

Connor doubled over, dry heaving into the sink, nothing coming out but his stomach felt like it was on fire. His vision grew blurry as he stumbled out of the bathroom, knocking into walls and doors towards the living room before collapsing in a heap on the floor, wheezing, sobbing. It seemed as if everything went dark, a cruel, mocking contrast to the sunny day outside.

He raised a shaking wrist to his hand, remembering the places that used to house different scars. He sobbed and wheezed some more, his heart feeling like it was going to hammer out of his chest as he curled in on himself.

Through the high-pitched ringing in his ears, he heard the door open and bags drop to the floor.

“Connor!” Oliver cried, diving to the floor beside him.

“Connor, can you hear me?” he asked placing a hand on his shoulder.

“H…h…help…help me…” he sobbed, reaching out.

Oliver grabbed his hand, squeezing it while pulling Connor in closer with his other arm.

“What can I do?” he asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

“H—hold…hold…” Connor choked.

“Okay, okay, I’ve got you. I’ve got you,” Oliver murmured, holding him close, rubbing circles into Connor’s back.

With each word Oliver said, and with each turn his hand did on his back, Connor felt the suffocation of his memories fade away, little by little. His hands stopped shaking, and his heart slowed down, no longer feeling like it was trying to escape out of his chest. The pressure of Oliver beside him, along with the warmth of his body and the soft words of assurance Oliver whispered in his ears helped the attack ebb away. His breathing opened and his vision was clearer. After a while, he spoke.

“Thank you,” Connor croaked, voice rough.

“Of course,” murmured Oliver, pulling away slightly to wipe the remaining tears from Connor’s face.

“Can you help me up?” Connor asked.

Nodding, Oliver shifted his weight so he was on his knees, sliding an arm into the pit of Connor’s to hoist him up off the floor. His legs feeling like jelly, Connor landed on wobbly, weak feet, but he was up nonetheless.

“Couch?” Oliver asked.

It was Connor’s turn to nod as Oliver helped him plop on the couch, sighing when he finally traded cold hardwood for soft plush.

“Do you need anything else?” Oliver asked gently, still standing.

Connor shook his head, “No, just stay,” he mumbled. Oliver took the seat next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder on instinct, Connor coming to rest his head on Oliver’s shoulder.

“I…I didn’t get the chance to actually think about…everything that happened. It…I guess the adrenaline kept me from it getting in my head. They all hit me like a ton of bricks,” he said, voice still rough.

“I’m sorry…”

“Some brain, huh? I can’t even wash my hands without freaking out about it,” Connor huffed a bitter, humorless laugh.

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Oh my god, I can’t breathe

I’m not just gonna go turn you in. I’m gonna be fine, okay? You’re my life, Connor.

All I want is for Ollie & Conner to be happy TOGETHER.

Ugh Ollie and Connor are killing me. Connor:“Do you still want to protect me.” Ollie: “Yes.”

From the moment we touched, ‘til the time had run out.

I really wasn’t going to make this post, because I am very sad and very tired, but it won’t let me go until I do, so I guess I will.  

I have seen so, so, so many posts talking about Connor’s pain, and how hurt he was by Oliver’s words and actions.  And that’s fine, I guess.  I don’t have a ton of sympathy for his terrible choices in both his personal and his criminal lives, but that’s fine.  Empathy is nice.

But it is honestly painful to me to see posts saying that Connor acted badly out of hurt and anger and that Oliver also acted badly, and yet fail to take the corresponding step of acknowledging and empathizing with the pain Oliver feels.  

Oliver has a lot of reasons to be in pain, reasons I personally find a lot more sympathetic than Connor’s.  He was diagnosed with HIV less than a year ago.  His partner, who was his primary and almost certainly only source of support during the diagnosis, refuses to be honest with him and their relationship makes him feel used and unloved.  His attempts to find new sources of support and human connection have been met with a fundamental rejection of who he is now as a human being.  His attempts to establish what he views as a true, legitimate, and loving relationship with Connor have been met with a brick wall. 

When I see posts that say, for example, that the poster acknowledges that Connor is using Oliver as a security blanket because of the difficulties in Connor’s life, and then points out that Oliver is also using Connor as a security blanket, and then fails to reflect any understanding of the fact that Oliver is also doing that because of the tremendous personal difficulties he is also facing, it is infuriating.  

If you’ve been making these posts, or agreeing with them, please please take a moment to wonder why it did not even occur to you to acknowledge Oliver’s pain and humanize him.  Please realize that the dismissal and dehumanization of fictional characters of color and characters with disabilities/chronic illnesses does not occur in a vacuum.  

Please do better.  

I see a lot of posts covering Oliver’s HIV status and I’ve never reblogged them cos, tbh, I thought it was obvious. (Disclosure, I don’t explore the tags much and just respond to what I see on my own dashboard).

But I just want to put this out there to cover my own ass, so to speak.

I get Oliver, I understand he’s going through pain as well, pain that will be with him for the rest of his life. 

“His attempts to find new sources of support and human connection have been met with a fundamental rejection of who he is now as a human being.  His attempts to establish what he views as a true, legitimate, and loving relationship with Connor have been met with a brick wall.” 

This is very true. In the grand scheme of things, Oliver is suffering from a lot worse… and I’ll say this again and again and won’t be swayed: the writing is flawed with this show.

More people are naturally going to be more empathetic with Connor. He’s had more screen time, he’s more involved with the plot (however minimal this season), he’s more interesting. Oliver just got promoted to a series regular, and we still know nothing about him, except this: he’s HIV+, his screen time has almost always been with Connor, he’s this insecure techie-turned-thrill seeker who is suddenly super loyal to Annalise (who is for me, the antagonist of the show), and he broke up with Connor because, and it was only made clear this last episode, he knows Connor is keeping a whole other life away from him. Knowing all of this and viewing it from a distance, I wouldn’t care much about Oliver.

I understand Oliver’s side of the argument, (and I acknowledge that he said “That’s some… emotional damage…” not calling Connor damaged directly, but when someone is damaged, such as Connor, you tend to pick and choose what you hear and how you hear it)… but you can’t deny that even as a series regular, he’s still only there for the coliver story. And he’s still seen, in many viewer’s eyes whether they are aware of it or not, as the original hacker boy that was only being used by Connor in the beginning of the show, because his story still only revolves around Connor!

It’s difficult to explain, but I’m a firm believer that both Connor and Oliver deserve sympathy. Was Connor sleeping with Thomas wrong? Abso-fucking-lutely, but I think it’s in character. Was Oliver breaking up with Connor, not explaining it logically (in 3.01), and then trying to be friends with Connor and then running back to him for comfort  before finally exploding on him about how he really feels, shitty? Yes. That’s called stringing someone along and it really hurts when you’re still in love with someone.

Oliver is getting rejected because of his HIV.

Connor is losing the one person he loves and he can’t even fight for him because that would mean incriminating not only himself, but everyone in their friend group, Oliver’s friends now too. That would mean Oliver becoming involved. If Connor and the gang ever went down for this, Oliver can still truthfully say that he had no idea and get away with a much lighter sentence (or none at all, if his hacking never comes forward).

I’m sorry but I sympathize with Connor’s frustrations more.

Well, I’m glad what I wrote prompted you to think about your interactions with this story and these characters.  I have 3 points of discussion/disagreement.

1) For clarification: my post was written entirely in response to the content of the coliver, connor, and oliver tags, which I absolutely recommend avoiding because it’s frankly horrifying.  I’ve also seen plenty of good, thoughtful posts on my dash. 

2) In terms of how you view the the show’s narrative, I think my primary point of divergence with your opinions is that Connor bears a significant portion of the responsibility for his current situation and relationships, and Oliver cannot share an equal amount of that responsibility because Connor won’t be honest with him.  The idea that Connor has been consistent in prioritizng Oliver’s safety from Annalise/his own crimes is directly contradicted by canon, in which Connor continued to involve Oliver in Annalise’s work from episodes 1x10 through 2x06, even though he was by then fully aware of the risks this posed to Oliver.  I don’t feel particularly sympathetic towards Connor’s efforts to protect Oliver when he continued to put him at risk and ask him to work for Annalise after he knew how dangerous working for Annalise was.  

In the context of the breakup, I find it disquieting how frequently I hear people express the sentiment that the unhealthy progression of their breakup is entirely Oliver’s fault, and that Connor is somehow helpless in this scenario.  Connor, as an adult, has a responsibility to set his own boundaries.  The fact that he failed to set those with Oliver post-breakup cannot be Oliver’s fault.  Also, it was implied in Connor’s conversation in 3x02 with his client that Connor understood that his lies were a huge part of what pushed Oliver away.  I think Connor understands exactly what the problems are between them, denial aside.  He certainly has a fuller understanding than Oliver, who is missing huge pieces of the puzzle.  Trying to be friends with your ex isn’t manipulative or stringing them along.  Dismissing or minimizing the depth of pain that caused Oliver to “run back to [Connor] for comfort” is disturbing.  I disagree that Oliver continuing to hook up with Coliver and then honestly expressing his feelings was Oliver stringing Connor along, as I saw it as Oliver making an attempt to make it work between them, but I can also understand how and where your interpretation is supported by the text.  

3)  I think where I most fundamentally disagree with you is with the idea that, because a piece of media prioritizes a white character over character(s) of color, it is acceptable for the fandom to also prioritize that white character over the character(s) of color.  I feel like I know plenty of things about Oliver.  He is kind and compassionate.  He derives a huge portion of his sense of self-worth from being useful and helpful to others and feeling valued by them.  He enjoys taking risks but needs a little outside push to take them.  He is insecure.  His penis is literally a gift to mankind.  During the breakup, I understood his motivations and feelings each step of the way.  

Yes, I had to put in extra effort and focus to learn these things about Oliver’s character.  Ideally, I wouldn’t have to, but we are consumers of racist media in a racist culture.  

If our media fails to humanize fictional characters of color as fully as it humanizes white characters, that doesn’t excuse or absolve us of doing the same.  

The people who identify with Oliver see him as an independent, complex character with his own intrinsic value.  To dismiss him is to dismiss them, and I can’t pretend there isn’t real harm in that.  

That is just some severe, messed up emotional damage that you’ve been carrying around with you since the day I met you.

I want to say something, but I’m not sure if it’s just me being selfish. Say it.