Queerly Autistic

I'm thinking again about how in the dream version of Ed and Stede's big beach reunion, at the start of the season, they run into each other's arms and fall over together.

But then, in the real version, at the end of the season, they run into each other's arm and hold each other up.

I've been turning over the 'boyfriends' deleted scene in my head all day, rotating it gently in my hands to get a good look at it from all angles, trying to figure out why it hit me in such an emotional place, and I realised it's because it's so...young?

It just perfectly captures that wonder and surprise and joyfulness of being in love for the first time, and realising that you can suddenly use words like 'boyfriend' and they mean something tangible to you - testing out the language and definitions of your relationship for the first time and being absolutely giddy with it all.

And the fact that it's two middle aged men, who have both been on their own specifically queer journeys, gives it a whole other layer of meaning and importance.

As queer people, so many of us were denied the opportunity to have these experiences when we were kids; standing on the sidelines and watching our peers go through all these rites of passage, whilst never quite able to reach out and touch it ourselves. And I think many of us live in perpetual fear that because we didn't to get to have this as kids, then we've missed out, and we will never get the chance to have those experiences in the same way.

But it isn't too late.

My mum came out as gay at 50, and I watched her go through the same thing when she met her first ever girlfriend (who is now her wife): the absolute excited youthful joy of being in love and getting to do all the things she never got a chance to do when she was younger. As a twenty year old, I was a bit annoyed and embarrassed by my mum suddenly turning into a lovesick teenager, but looking back on it now as a thirty-something, it actually makes me well up slightly thinking about how absolutely beautiful it was.

And that's why the 'boyfriend' moment puts me in such an emotional headspace. Because what this silly show did was cup my face gently in its hands and say 'it's never too late to have this'.

I'm so, so glad that we have so much representation for younger queers these days; that young queers get to see themselves represented on screen, having all these experiences that every young person deserves to have. But it's so much rarer for us to see older queers represented in this way, too. Older queers getting to have this is so important, and watching these two men in their 40s experience this, being allowed to revel in the giddy joy of first love - omg we're boyfriends! - like the happy lovesick teenagers they thought they'd forever lost the chance to be, it's just everything to me.

Hearing the words 'my boyfriend' out of Stede Bonnet's mouth has shifted something in my brain chemistry.

The thing with Stede getting any sort of piratey makeover is that Ed would absolutely fall over himself with how attractive he finds it, but he wouldn't be falling over himself because it's piratey - he'd be falling over himself because it's Stede.

Yeah, he'd lose his shit over the low-cut top and the earring - of course he would, he's a human being - but he loses his shit just as much over Stede in the frilly shirts and fancy swishy coats and powdery wigs and sleep masks and nightcap and also the teeny tiny little reading glasses.

And he'd make damned sure Stede knows that Ed found him just as sexy before the makeover as he does after it.

The thing that gets me the most about this scene is that Stede doesn't rescue Ed. Not in the traditional sense. He doesn't grab him. He doesn't pull him out of the water. Heck, he doesn't even lead him out of the water.

No, what he actually does is just be with Ed, exactly where Ed is. And that's the most powerful thing he could do.

And, crucially, Ed is still underwater. Stede's presence hasn't changed the fact that he's underwater. But the difference is that the weight has stopped pulling him further down, and, most importantly, he's no longer drowning.

I've talked about how much I love the way that this show explores mental health, and this is just a shining example of that. Stede's love for Ed, and his unwavering supportive presence beside him, doesn't fix his mental illness. It doesn't pull him out of the water.

But, fuck me, does having that love and support make it all feel a bit more survivable.

The latest dataset in the long-term scientific study entitled 'Will Erin Ever Be Able To Watch The Merstede Scene Without Crying?' is in, and the answer is still an emphatic 'no'.

I think about this scene all the time because it's one of those moments that seems throwaway but, when you actually look at it, it's so fundamental to Ed's character.

Ed is very clearly depicted as someone who likes being clean. He hates being dirty, and he hates mess. We get quite a few moments that show us this quite explicitly, and this is one of them. It's why the weird fanon about Ed not knowing how to be clean or not understanding what soap is (wtf?) is such nonsense (and also racist) - he's explicitly depicted as feeling so strongly about being clean that he made a 'no pets' rule on his ship specifically to avoid mess.

But, liking being clean and hating mess? That's far too much of a soft feminine trait for Blackbeard to have. Blackbeard's very survival depends on being seen as stereotypically hypermasculine. Blackbeard can't dislike dirt or be finnicky about being clean. So, Ed has had to come up with another explanation as to why pets aren't allowed aboard his ship that fits the Blackbeard persona.

I think this is a really fundamental moment in terms of understanding Blackbeard as a mask that's been constructed in order to survive, and how it sits at odds with the man - Ed - underneath it. And it also highlights the significance of his time with Stede, and the impact that Stede's radical softness (his natural eschewing of traditional masculinity just by being himself) has had on Ed. Stede doesn't just accept all these soft (traditionally more feminine) traits that Ed has felt compelled to hide for decades, but he creates an entire space where Ed feels much safer to just...be Ed.

To the point where, by the time this scene rolls around, Ed has pretty much forgotten about the need to pretend that this is about anything other than him wanting to be clean.

One of my favourite things about S2 was that we got to see so much in terms of Ed's relationships with women, and it just made me love him even more (if that's humanly possible). We didn't see him interact with many women at all in S1 (I think it was only the posh ladies at the fancy party which was...yeah, not a good experience), so S2 actually giving us a glimpse into his friendships with all these (very different) kickass women was so, so special.

I love that, as messy and fucked up as they all are, and even with the 'well we're pirates, we're not normal and we will fuck with each other' threat that hangs over everything, Ed's relationship with Mary and Anne is still so affectionate, and they both thrown their arms around him the moment they see him. Even though Ed is incredibly tactile, I don't think we've actually ever seen him be hugged like this, and it's just so lovely to watch him be embraced and clearly feel very safe being embraced by these women (and I can't with the way he clings to them, as well). I also love that this is a wlw/mlm friendship; yeah it falls apart later and turns into delicious gay-on-gay violence (and I wouldn't alter a note of it), but I love seeing this sort of affection between queer women and queer men, there's not nearly enough of it.

Don't even get me started on the BFF handshake he has with Anne - I want all the history there, give me six spin-off films about their adventures please.

And then we finally get a glimpse of his relationship with Jackie, which is similarly just lovely, but in a different way? You get the sense that they could sit there for hours, talking shit about the world, all whilst casually ripping the shit out of each other (but affectionately). You also know full well these two have talked extensively about men and know pretty much everything about each other's sex lives - we didn't see it, but I'm absolutely certain that Ed went into full gushing details about sleeping with Stede, just like Jackie did when she talked about The Swede fucking like a jackhammer (historical accuracy ftw).

And, again, whilst they're still pirates, and it's messy, the entire thing feels incredibly...safe, particularly from Ed's perspective? He feels more comfortable around Jackie than he is around most other characters (apart from Stede), just like he was with Anne and Mary.

And then, just to hammer the point home even further that Ed has, generally, fantastic relationships with women, and connects with them, and feels relaxed and safe with them, you have Ed and Zheng becoming instant BFFs literally minutes after meeting each other. Ed goes 'ooh, very cool woman kicking ass and killing people, she shall be my best friend, immediately', and Zheng is automatically incredibly relaxed and open with him, too (suggesting she feels as safe and comfortable with him as he does with her).

All I want in life is to see Ed and Zheng get silly-drunk with each other (and this is why we urgently need a S3).

And none of Ed's relationships with these women are a fetishistic 'I love women because they're fabulous' thing, or an overly patronising paternalistic 'I love the women and I must protect them' thing - all the relationships he has with women are very equal, very comfortable, fully believable, just fantastic friendships to watch play out. I feel like, given everything we see on screen, Ed generally feels a lot more comfortable and safe and open with the women he knows than the men he knows (Stede is the only other person he is this physically affectionate and comfortable with). Which is probably very understandable? Yes, the women he's friends with are all violent pirates too (that's part of the joy of it - none of them are lovely demure morally pure women, they're all violent pirates), but Ed has a lot of experience with specifically overtly abusive men - right back to watching his dad abuse his mum. And that's a distinction that matters: the show treats the violence of normal piracy and the violence of abuse very, very differently. Ed is not used to being treated softly or affectionately by men, as we saw in his shocked reaction to Stede holding his hand. I don't think it's any wonder that he gravitates more towards friendships with women (or that the men he feels the most open and safe with, such as Stede, Fang, even Frenchie, are very pointedly the opposite of the abusive men he has experience with). I just love love love that being friends with women is such a core part of Ed's character, and that we got to see all of these fantastic relationships in the show.

It's so fucking wholesome and lovely to me that Taika and Rhys' instinctive reaction to the whole 'kissing my best friend of twenty years' thing is to just perpetually have the giggles about it.

Stede sees that Ed's automatic reaction to upsetting situations is to hide under a blanket - that that's where he goes to try and feel safe when he's feeling vulnerable - and slowly but surely begins to amass a collection of different blankets in their bedroom. Different sizes, different weights, different colours, different thicknesses, different fabrics, different textures - all folded neatly under their bed, to make sure Ed has exactly what he needs to feel safe on any given day and in response to any given situation/emotion.

He also notes that Ed likes the pressure of being cuddled whilst wrapped in the blanket, that that makes him feel especially safe and secure, but it becomes tricky on those days when Ed just wants to be left alone (especially if the upset in question is some sort of argument between them). So, Stede writes to Wee John, and they put their heads together to find a solution, and that's how they invent ye olde weighted blanket.

Here's the thing: Stede didn't enjoy or get a thrill out of killing Ned. He was fundamentally upset and traumatised by it. Not only did he have immediate flashbacks to traumatic moments in his childhood, but he then fled the crew to go and sit in his room and cry. When Ed knocked on the door, he was sitting on his own in a dark room, looking completely crushed.

But the key thing, and potentially the reason why he was able to move on from that moment (and why he was able to get - briefly - swept up in the infamy of it all rather than remaining upset and traumatised), is that he wasn't left alone to sit and marinate in these feelings. Because Ed came to find him. Ed's formative trauma - the trauma that has shaped and moulded his entire life, rising up in his darkest moments and making him feel like an unloveable monster - is an act of violence he committed in both self-defence and defence of someone he loved. Exactly like Stede did with Ned. He's the embodiment of what happens if that sort of trauma is allowed to fester. And he didn't let that happen to Stede.

Ed refused to let him be alone with this, instead appearing at his door to offer comfort and understanding and support, and, most crucially, love (particularly important considering Ned's taunting that Ed wouldn't be interested in Stede anymore if he went through with this). That soft little 'you okay?' is everything, because it's exactly the softness, the love without judgement, that Ed didn't get in the aftermath of killing his dad.

There's a reason why, despite Stede initially grabbing Ed and doing a bit of ye olde wall slamming, that very quickly fizzled into something much softer, with Stede practically collapsing into Ed and Ed circling his arms around Stede comfortingly and protectively. It's two people coming together around a trauma they both now share, seeking comfort and love and support in one another.

And yeah, the next day, for a moment, Stede got caught up in the infamy and attention he was getting for killing Ned, but that's fundamentally not who he is. This is who he is. And this isn't Stede getting turned on by violence or enjoying being a bloodthirsty pirate or embodying toxic masculinity. It's the opposite of that.

This is a man deeply traumatised by an act of violence he has committed, being loved and supported and held through it by another man who is deeply traumatised by a similar act of violence he committed, and loving and supporting and holding him right back because neither of them need to suffer alone anymore.