it’s the futuristic year of 2018, how dare there be dram*one on my dashboard,

my grandma died last night 😔

i’m going to see some sort of psychologist tomorrow morning, for the first time in over five years, and for the second time in my life. but how do i tell myself that just because i felt good today and yesterday that it doesn’t necessarily mean i’ll never feel bad again? what if my feelings are fake? i’m just so scared that the psychologist will tell me nothing is wrong with me and that it’s normal and life is supposed to feel like that. because i don’t want to feel like that on those days i feel bad.

i dreamt that bbc came out with a video trailer thing that explained that they would no longer be queerbaiting and there was a montage with a lot of shows that had queer relationships and one scene was of john and sherlock and i SCREAMED

okay, i’ve calmed down a bit now after that.... thing that happened. i’m going to cherish all the good things we got out of it, everything with john and sherlock in this episode was good, i even appreciate the ending even though we deserved more than that. way more than that. but it’s was ambiguous, an open ending, a story we get to decide what happens to ourselves if they never do another series. they are together at baker street again, they’ve been through so much together which means they can handle everything that’s coming after this. i am incredibly disappointed with how they treated us, with how they tricked us and how we always were much smarter than them. we came up with a better story.

the lying detective was such a good episode, and getting the final problem after such a brilliant thing, was like getting hit very hard in the face. i thought i would cry much and not getting any sleep after this episode, but this wasn’t the way i expected it to happen. all that character development, all that story building, everything just felt so... it didn’t feel at all. but again, i’m so thankful for the john and sherlock moments we got. when sherlock called john family, that warmed my heart so much. they love each other, they really do, and they always will. they’re together at baker street again and nothing can stop them, nothing. this is just another beginning.

but we deserve more. if they do another series, they cannot keep doing this. i didn’t think they were queerbaiting us, but if we never get another series, or if the next series won’t confirm anything, it will go down in history as the worst queerbaiting tv series ever made and i don’t accept that.

i don’t know, i just wanted to write out my thoughts. i’m not angry anymore, i’m disappointed, but also hopeful that we as a community will hold on to what we have, but i’m not blaming anyone if they can’t do it anymore. it’s okay. i’m not okay, not yet, but i will be.

i just want a girlfriend that lives in the same town as me that i can hang out with whenever i feel like but also have alone time whenever i feel like and i want to go on dates and hold hands and just have a girlfriend 😩

one (1) week social media hiatus

me and two friends decided to try to be without social medias for a week. there will be no facebook, instagram, twitter, youtube, snapchat, and of course, no tumblr for a whole week starting tonight! (18 april)

you can listen to us talking about it here (from our english uni radio program)

i’ll probably die but oh well i know johnlock will be canon without me anyway

wish me luck and i’ll see you in a week!