where the water meets the sky

just because everything’s changing doesn’t mean it’s never been this way before

Caspian X & Susan Pevensie

perhaps one day we will meet again:

(@lostcap)

what lovely memories you have!

Susan went back to London with her siblings but she left a part of her heart back in Narnia. Caspian, throughout the rest of her life, would remain her biggest “what if”.

What if she hadn’t gone back though?

What if she chose to stay?

She arrived back in Narnia alongside her siblings, breathing in the crisp Narnian air, crinkled eyes taking in the bluest water there ever was or would be, smile lighting up her face, a laugh startled out of her. Yet as she played and laughed, she remembered and preceded to go along with a guarded heart. She’d been hurt by this land, her home, once before and she’d be a fool to allow it to happen again. And then she sees it, when Lucy points it out, what they had missed. The remains of her home. All that’s left of it. Cair Paravel, where she and Lucy would race through the corridors, dresses streaming behind, laughing with flowers braided in their hair and joy in their hearts. Cair Paravel, where she’d stumble, rather ungracefully, over a tired and hidden Edmund who had fallen fast asleep on the floor, in whichever nook or cranny he’d found that day, legs strewn out in front of him, head bent as if in prayer before startling awake and offering her a sheepish grin with crinkled eyes when he saw her standing over him with her hands on her hips, expression exasperated once again. Cair Paravel, where she’d had to help Peter hide from the overly familiar admirers seeking his time, shoving him in closets or storerooms when she’d spot one around the corner and distract them, a splutter from him quickly silenced as he realized what she’d saved him from, before she knocked quickly and quietly three times on the door singling the all clear. Cair Paravel, her home, her heart, gone.

She meets the grumpy dwarf, saves him despite what he grumbles, and walks on despite his disbelief. She walks and talks with the dwarf, hiding the pain from how much his words sting. Yes, it is just her. Her and her siblings, brought back to save her home once more. She is tired. She never realized it back in London, but she is. In London she was just a jumble of anger and hope, tears and prayers. Here, back in Narnia, she is tired. Her heart aches at what has become of her home, a pain she can never convey but sees it mirrored in her siblings eyes. Can she save her home again? Can she muster up enough strength to lift up her bow and let the arrow fly? Does she even want to?

Then she meets him, Peter’s sword in his hand raised to strike a blow. The prince that has declared he’ll do everything in his power to give their home back. Give it back to the fauns, and talking beasts, and dryads, and nymphs. Give it back to her brothers, King Peter and King Edmund, and her sister, Queen Lucy. Give it back to her, Queen Susan. 

She knows he sees her beauty first in the way his eyes linger on her standing strong by her siblings. She feels her walls inching up again, a defense she’d unknowingly fallen back upon at the sight of another admirer. Another person who saw only her beauty but not who she really was. She talks with him, converses in quiet tones and soft smiles as she’s always done with her previous admirers. It would be rude, after all, to ignore him when the future of her home and people lies in his hands. He’s quiet and reserved, finding his voice more and more upon realizing that she does not see him as his predecessors. Does not see him as the monster he believes himself to be despite the blood that flows in his veins. He grows louder. Or maybe it is her who starts to listen more. She finds herself turning to the direction his voice wafts in from. Her eyes find him easily, picking him out of the crowd despite how much he tries to blend in with the cave walls. Her hands find small excuses to touch him. She helps his stance when teaching how to fire arrows at the target so they may hit true. She starts to see him more clearly just as he starts to truly see her. She smiles and he laughs. Despite Peter’s animosity, she finds herself falling. 

He almost brings Jadis back then. Along with Peter. Two headstrong boys who don’t understand that they are not the only ones hurting. He almost lost hope and in the process almost took her and her people down all over again. Her defences slam up, brick after brick, wall after wall, she hides behind them all. She doesn’t smile at him, nor does she look for him in the crowds. No matter how much she finds herself wishing to. He apologies to her. Well her and her sister who sits behind her. He offers her the horn back. He doesn’t say it but it’s clear he feels as if he doesn’t deserve to hold on to it. She looks down at him and sees his fear and loss at what he’s done to them and finds her face softening. “Why don’t you hold on to it.” She says clearly as she gathers the reins of their stead in her hands, gripping them as Lucy’s grip on her tightens as well, as she continues, “You might need to call me again.” Lucy teases her as they leave while she laughs remembering his expression over and over again. 

She’s fighting by herself now, Lucy’s gone on ahead, trusting in her sister to keep her safe, keep herself safe, trusting her to stay alive. She’s trying, Aslan know’s she is, and there’s a moment where she thinks she’s done it. Where she’s gotten the last of them, beat them. But then one of the soldier’s she missed strikes her down and she finds herself facing that fear again. “This is it,” she thinks as she waits for the strike that will end it. It never comes. Instead Caspian is there, reaching out a hand, the soldier fallen behind him. She takes it and allows herself to be pulled up onto the stead, gripping Caspian with shaky hands. Takes a breath in and steadies them. 

They win the war. Caspian gives their home back to her people, back to her siblings, back to her. They laugh and smile as they ride on their horses through the crowds bustling with joy and laughter and freedom. She’s smiling wide and happy. Defenceless. 

Then Aslan’s there again. He takes her and Peter aside. Talks to them and listens. Peter’s ready to go back now. Ready to move on. Is she? No, no she’s not. She already tried to move on. She already had. Now, at this time, all she wants is to just stay. So she asks for a moment alone with Aslan and Peter understands so he leaves. She bares her soul out to Aslan, cries against him, clutches his golden mane between her fingers like that night with Lucy, and he listens. He offers her his support just as always and only when she is ready does he take her to see her siblings. “I’m not going back. I’m going to stay, with Aslan’s grace, in Narnia.” Peter is supportive and smiles a soft smile, he already figured it out. Edmund and Lucy are shocked and cry out but listen as she explains.

Next is Caspian. She’s nervous to see him. She knows her staying would deeply affect his position as she is a Queen of the Golden Age. Others may want her to be the ruler and her claim to the throne would make it justified. She doesn’t want it though. Not the claim to the throne. She just wants to stay here in Narnia, in her home. That’s all. So she goes and sees him. She nervously sits before him on one of the chairs as he waits patiently, still reeling over the fact that she sought him out. “Aslan wants us to go back.” she starts off by saying, her hands resting on her dress-covered knees. He releases an unsteady breath in shock. “I-I-I d-don’t,” he begins to say, stumbling over his words, before she interrupts not realizing her rudeness because if she doesn’t get what she wants to say out she may never say it at all. She continues on explaining how she doesn’t want to go back and that she wants to stay here in Narnia and she doesn’t even have to stay anywhere near him, she rushes to explain even if all she wants is to stay near him, if he doesn’t want another person’s right to the throne getting in the way. She doesn’t even realize she’s crying until he’s moved from his chair and kneels in front of her, one hand resting on her shaking hands as he wipes her tears away. “Stay,” he whispers to her softly. “Please stay.” So she does.

She sees her brothers and sister off with tight hugs and tearstained cheeks not knowing when, or even if, she’ll see them again. She holds especially tight to Peter, latching on because he is her older brother too and the only one she’d ever allow to lose her composure near, and this time he struggles to keep his as he assures her that he’ll explain everything to their parents and that he’s happy that she finally gets to move forward too. He lays a kiss to her hair as he pulls away and steps through the arch before Edmund and Lucy. She watches them all go and feels Caspian slip his hand in hers for which she’s grateful as she clutches on like it’s her lifeline.

She stays. Her and Caspian rebuild her home together. When she finds her body racked with sobs over her siblings and parents he’s the one who comforts her and stays with her talking all through the night to get her to smile at least once. He’s the one that she finds herself turning to when the pain never seems to fade over how much destruction rained down on her home when she wasn’t there. He’s the one she turns to. Her defences crumble when she’s near him until she has none. Not when he looks at her. Not when he smiles. Just as she sees him, he sees her.

See. Imagine it, just for a moment.

That she was called Queen Susan, the Gentle, once more.

That she helped rebuild Narnia, her home and her heart.

That she fell in love again.

That she stayed.