Purpleyin's slightly fannish tumblr

can you even fucking imagine being ANY WITCHER WHO ISN’T GERALT and hearing toss a coin for the first time?? like geralt probably heard jaskier while he was creating it (the boy is NOT a quiet thinker), so he knows it’s coming. but ANYONE else???

it’s the exact type of chorus that drunk people would sing LOUDLY and GLEEFULLY in the sheer joy of “I’M FEELING GOOD AND OTHER PEOPLE ARE SINGING THE SAME THING AS ME! :D”

so now you’re a witcher. again, ANY witcher who isn’t geralt. you’ve come back from a contract. you’re dirty, you’re tired, you’re probably some variety of injured, you want to collect your pay, maybe get a drink, then call it a day. you’re expecting discomfort at best and open hostility at worst when you walk in the pub. 

then the first person spots you and you see recognition light up. they recognize you as a witcher. you’re bracing yourself for the hatred. for the vitriol. for being run out. 

and then. 

“TOSS A COIN TO YOUR WITCHER, OH VALLEY OF PLEEEEENTYYYYYYY”

what?? in?? the fuck???

and thEN OTHER PEOPLE FUCKING JOIN IN???

“TOSS A COIN TO YOUR WITCHER, A FRIEND OF HUMANITYYYY”

AND THEY JUST KEEP GOING ON THIS SONG?? PRAISING WITCHERS??? A WHOLE FUCKING DRUNK CHOIR??? WHAT! IN! THE! FUCK!

moment of silence for the witchers who legit thought “well i guess this is it. i’ve finally gotten a head injury that’s gonna be fatal if i can imagine this.”

#LIKE??? #ANY WITCHER GOING INTO A TOWN AFTER JASKIER HAS BEEN THERE WILL HAVE HEARD THE FUCKING SONG #BUT NO ONE IS GONNA GIVE THE WITCHERS A HEADS UP #I CANNOT EVEN I M A G I N E THE MINDFUCK OF HEARING THAT SONG FOR THE FIRST TIME #OUT OF THE BLUE #WITH NO CONTEXT #PROBABLY NOT EVEN ANY LEAD UP EITHER #PEOPLE ARE JUST SUDDENLY SINGING ABOUT GIVING YOU MONEY #WHICH LIKE SURE THIS IS A NICE CHANGE OF PACE BUT WHAT! THE! FUCK! #FINALLY THEY MANAGE TO GET THE ONE DRUNK SENSATE ENOUGH #TO SING MORE OF THE SONG #THEN YOU HEAR THE ‘with geralt of rivia’ BIT AND OF FUCKING COURSE #OF FUCKING COURSE IT’S FUCKING GERALT #WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK DID HE DO THIS TIME THO #HOW #YOU WHITE HAIRED WEIRDO #WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME THAT CAUSED THIS #WHAT I ASK YOU #eskel and lambert busting open the front door of kaer morhen #‘GERALT COME HERE RIGHT NOW WHAT THE F U C K DID YOU DO

A final update on the cards - I put them together and then burst out laughing at the implications of the embroidery Geralt is displayed on:

*smacks geralt* this boy can fit so much bastard

The Mandalorian: Well, I have a jet pack.

Geralt: Fuck.

Geralt, pointing at lil yoda baby: what is that?

Mando: a magic baby that evil dudes dressed in black want, I'm adopting him

Geralt, now pointing at Ciri: I got one of those, how'd you get yours?

Mando: I was hired to bring him to aforementioned evil dudes, then I raided their base to break him out, yours?

Geralt: I won her at an engagement party through ass-kicking and sarcasm

Single dads without health insurance trying to make it in the gig economy

AU where instead of trying to cure her infertility Yennefer just goes around saving random people’s lives and invoking the law of surprise bcos she figures sooner or later it’ll net her a baby. she hasn’t got one yet but she has amassed about 2 dozen dogs so she’s doing pretty well for herself.

1) after a while her habit of swooping in at the last minute to save the day gets her a rep as a legit superhero. she’s like ‘no you don’t understand. I Am Not Nice. I’m doing this for very selfish reasons - stop praising me you don’t get it’

2) ‘I’m starting to think that destiny must be a real thing. there’s no other explanation for how many of my surprises are dogs. destiny is real and destiny wants me to have dogs for some reason.’

Okay but her doing this beFORE Geralt does it and when she finds out that he only had to invoke the law of surprise ONCE to get a baby she goes absolutely feral on him. Just dead silent, furious, finally starts pulling off her jewelry like, “bard, hold my earrings.”

Yennefer: actually can I trade your child surprise for some of my dog surprises

Geralt: um

Yennefer: how many dogs equals one child. how about 10? 10 dogs.

Geralt: I don’t think this is how the law of surprise works

Jaskier: Geralt’s child surprise is a princess so I’d say she’s worth at least 20 dogs

Yennefer: how about 15? I can do you 15. 

Geralt: no.

Jaskier: but Geralt…. so many puppies Geralt

*a portal opens. dozens upon dozens of dogs come spilling out, racing around and clearly having a great time*

Villain of the week: ??????

Geralt: oh good! Yennefer’s here

Jaskier, yelling through portal: hi Yennefer!

Villain of the week: ????????????????????????

“It’s one human baby, Geralt. How much could it be, like 10 dogs?”

from Blood of Elves by Andrzej Sapkowski

INCORRECT WITCHER QUOTES [#01]

Top ten anime betrayals

I have no idea where this is from or what’s going on but I’m assuming that Lucius Malfoy and Gilderoy Lockhart are lost in the woods and Lucius is giving Lockhart all the contempt that he deserves and Lockhart is butthurt and bad at comebacks.

Hey I think the Into The Woods sequel looks great

what happens when two dramatic bitches like Geralt and Aragorn visit the same tavern on the same night and there’s only one corner table for them to brood at in a solitary fashion, would they take turns or share a booth while simply refusing to acknowledge each other’s existence

And there was only one corner table...!

oh my god there was only one corner table...

‘That’s not your name.’

‘Yes, it is, Geralt. You know this.’

‘No, it isn’t. Your name’s Jaskier.’

‘Well … yes. But it’s not what my parents named me. They had rather less imagination, and my mother named me Julian. After an uncle, I believe.’

‘What?’

‘This can’t be a surprise. You heard me introduce myself at the Duke’s soiree last month.’

‘Yes, but … I thought it was just one of your … nom de … nom de bisou.’

‘Nom de—Geralt, that’s very good.’

‘… Hmm.’

‘I still have no idea what you’re talking about.’

‘Those names! That you give women when you’re—when you’re wooing them.’

‘When I’m—When have I ever done that?’

‘Only every town we stop in.’

‘No, the fake name thing. When have I ever done that?’

‘You told that countess that you were the Viscount de Lettenhove!’

‘… Geralt. I am the Viscount de Lettenhove.’

‘No, you’re not.’

‘I promise you, I am.’

‘I’ve been to Lettenhove. It’s—It’s that chap with the nose.’

‘You’ve never been to Lettenhove! When did you go to Lettenhove?’

‘Oh. Hmm. When was the execution of Lionel the Just?’

‘Forty-three years ago.’

‘Oh. Hmm … Really?’

‘Truly.’

‘So. It’s not whatsisface, Gael, then?’

‘Uncle Gael? No.’

‘What happened to him?’

‘Drank himself to death, I believe. Rather before my time.’

‘Oh. Hmm. Explains the nose, then.’

‘Ha, probably.’

‘… It’s really Julian, though?’

‘Really Julian.’

LOOOOOVE

What if Geralt found out Jaskier‘s second name is Alfred

Geralt: you cannot have a second name

Jaskier: of course, people can have a second name, Geralt

Geralt (angrily grumbling): Tell that to Vesemir

tag urself the witcher edition

The Witcher incorrect quotes |14|

Going back to 'geralt having the unsettling realisation that Jaskier & yennefer have become friends within his knowledge'. Jaskier & geralt running in to Yennefer and Geralt not noticing that anything is different - bcos their dynamic hasn't really changed they're just at each other's throats in a 'we like each other really' way now looks the same to an outside observer - until Yennefer casually calls Jaskier 'Jask' and THEN geralt is like, whaaaat the shit... What's happening

counter-point:

she calls him “Julian” mockingly, but also to signal that she knows more about Jaskier than Geralt.

Yennefer: hey Julian, last decade called, they want that jacket back

Geralt: who the fuck is Julian

Jaskier: I’m Julian

Geralt: .................................what

"Since when?"

Jaskier: since my parents... named me?

Yennefer: he’s said his full name in earshot of you multiple times? I know, I was there

Geralt, fully unable to tell whether or not they are trolling him: ..........what

Jaskier: eh... he tunes out anything up to 80% of what I say at any given time... I’m not surprised he didn’t notice.

Geralt: what’s your full name??

Jaskier: Julian Alfred Pankratz? I have told you this before.

Geralt: why do you have so many names

Yennefer: because he’s a viscount?

Geralt: you’re a viscount?

Jaskier: yes?

Geralt: why?

Jaskier: why am I a - I have no idea how to answer that question.

the witcher + text posts

modern au geralt vibes off the chart