@purpleyin / purpleyin.tumblr.com
you don't have to explain WHY you have your boundaries or limits they are yours and should be respected regardless of why you have them
An old friend of mine says "a boundary isn't 'don't call me after 9pm.' A boundary is 'i don't pick up the phone after 9pm'" and I think about that a lot
Boundaries are the lines you draw around yourself to keep you safe and autonomous.
Good boundaries are really strong and flexible. When they change, it’s because you chose to move them; you still know where they are and you’re still comfortable with them. If someone else pushes on them, they don’t break.
Bad boundaries are fuzzy and brittle - it’s often hard to know exactly where your boundaries are, and if someone pushes on them, they may shatter completely.
Some of these “default boundaries” include:
Some examples of more specific boundaries might be things like:
You don’t need to tell everyone you know all of your boundaries, because some people will never come close to crossing certain boundaries. But it’s important that people know what your boundaries are when they’re in the relevant territory.
So when it looks like sexytimes might happen, it’s important to talk to your partner ahead of time about what sexual boundaries you each have. When you’re headed toward a serious relationship, that’s the time to talk about the boundaries you have in that kind of relationship. When you get your own place, it’s time to establish boundaries with your parents about what it will mean for your relationship.
Some boundary violations are accidental, and when that happens, the appropriate response is to reinforce the boundary by making sure the other person knows it’s there. The people in your life should be aware of what your boundaries are.
When someone violates your boundaries, you also need to defend the boundary. That means you have to figure out how to protect yourself from having that boundary crossed again. Sometimes that means a simple conversation to let them know that boundary exists, sometimes it means taking time away from someone, changing the way you interact with them, or removing them from your life entirely. Only you can decide how best to defend that boundary in the context of your life.
Some examples of bad boundaries include things like:
Abusive people who want to take advantage of unformed boundaries will push on the “social default” boundaries to see if you know how to defend a boundary. If you don’t, they push on bigger and bigger boundaries and try to form a relationship where they’re in control. Be aware of that - if it feels like you have less and less control of what’s happening, that relationship is not healthy.
If you think someone you know has a hard time setting boundaries, give them extra room to set them and be extra careful not to exert any pressure. Don’t expect people in general to always tell you their boundaries - ask outright. “How do you feel about doing this thing?” is how you get real consent. Saying “We’re going to do this thing” and then doing it just because they don’t object may be crossing a boundary.
It’s important to pay attention to whether other people are setting boundaries (or may want to set them but are afraid to), and to talk about and defend your own boundaries as well, so everyone in the relationship feels safe and happy.
people are absolutely EVIL about the boundaries of “picky eaters”. no, they do not have to try it. yes, they can know they don’t like it without having eaten it before. no, they probably have not suddenly grown a taste for the food they’ve said they hate. no, they probably are not going to like it in the Special Way This One Place Cooks It. yes, you are being a bad friend if you try to “trick” them into eating it anyway
Things that actually help picky eaters try new things:
And most importantly, build trust with that person by listening to them, showing that you take their concerns into account, and being cool if the answer is no. No is always an option. This isn’t something you do once, it’s a pattern you have to stick to if you want to establish that you are a safe person when it comes to food stuff
Basically: offer the food, explain what’s in it and why you think it’s worth trying, and then be cool with the answer you get. No pressure, no trickery, just be straight up with people
recognize that it’s a natural human instinct to want to share both foods and experiences with your friends: and therefore, you have to engage your conscious brain and your sense of compassion to realize that eating two different meals together is fine, too, and your friends are always going to be getting their own experiences out of your shared time together anyway.
don’t force your friends to experience things your way, even if you feel like that’s going to be better for both of you. support them where they’re at and you’ll have a higher quality experience all around.
Also don’t be offended if they try it and don’t like it. Speaking from experience, none of us want to be picky eaters, the ridicule sucks. We’re not trying to offend you, and chances are we only ate it so you wouldn’t feel bad. But don’t point out that I didn’t finish it or try to make it a personal attack on your cooking.
We often think of boundaries as something we have to set to other people, but we often forget that we too can push ourselves beyond our limits.
Set healthy boundaries with yourself too.
you know when you read something and you just go, oh my god yes. this is today’s “oh my god, yes”
credit to jdesmondharris/Jenée via twitter 🤍
If you and your partner practice frequent, non-sexual consent, your relationship will be healthier and easier.
“Are you comfortable with me ranting about my day for a few minutes?”
“Oh, this is your poetry? Would it be okay if I read it?”
“Do you mind if I use your phone for a few minutes?”
“Wow, your meal looks awesome. Could I try some?”
It will save a lot of grief, especially in a developing relationship. Eventually, with consistent “yes’s” and “no’s” you can figure out more permanent boundaries and guidelines.
“I need to ask before ranting about my day or taking their food, but my partner is okay with me using their phone whenever. However, my partner does not like me reading their poetry unless they offer first.”
And this goes for friendships too! Even just stuff like “do you mind if I leave this door open?”
…I never fully realized it before but this is a big part of why my relationship with my husband is so conflict-free. Both because him doing this all the time made it easy to trust him, back when we were a new item, and because it helped ME break out of the toxic idea that you should never ask about a partner’s preferences because if you Really Loved Them you should be able to intuit what they want, all the time, about anything.
my one son is autistic so I ask ‘hug or no hug?’ I always knock and wait to be acknowledged before opening my sons’ bedroom doors (not just because I respect their privacy but because they’re teenagers and I don’t want to walk in on any personal activities) I don’t go into their rooms without asking I don’t touch their phones without asking (I’ll pick one up to take to them if I find it in another room but I won’t go through it) yesterday, my younger son walked into my room, stopped, said sorry and walked out to the hall and knocked on my door ‘because if I have to knock on his door, he has to knock on mine’ because their trust is important and I want them to know I respect their privacy
Consent is not just for sex. Consent is not just for sex. Consent is not just for sex.
!!!!!!!!!!!!! Growing up, there wasn’t a lot of boundaries respected by my parents and it warms my heart to see a re-blogger practicing this with their kiddos 💖 So important for every relationship in life.
One thing that's kind of weird that being asexual has taught me.
Seems kind of obvious, right? Normally when people talk about "No means no" they're talking about sex.
However, being asexual (and trying to be an aromantic advocate) has taught me that "No means no" applies to all boundaries.
Don't want to be touched? No means no.
Don't want to go out for coffee wth the buds? No means no.
Don't want to go to dinner with the family? No means no.
As a kid (myself being a introverted and shy child) parents just assume you shove kids out of their boundaries even if they don't want to. They'll thank you later, right?
Then again in high school and college being the introvert with many health issues, I frequently declined events for varying reasons, and people stopped inviting me because they assumed I didn't want to hang out with them.
It really taught me "you have to say yes even if you don't want to".
Thanks to the help of the asexual and aro communities, I'm starting to learn, you can just say no.
This is generally applied to mean, "If I say no to a hug, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means I don't like hugs." In the ace and aro communities. However, this can apply to any situation. "If I say no to your party, it doesn't mean I don't want to hang with you. It just means I don't like large social gatherings."
Still working on applying it. A lot of people feel the need to pressure you when you say no. I say no to a dinner with friends because it's a pandemic, and I don't want to risk the health of my family, and they're all "Aww, come on! It's a closed room. Clean linens. Just remember to wash your hands!"
No.
The answer is no.
I don't owe you an explanation, but I already gave you one. No means no.
Sorry. Seems kind of off topic, but I thought I'd share some things I learn from the ace and aro communities that we should all know.
The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.
