todd: i only experience two emotions: angry and tired
todd: but sometimes, when i look at dirk, i experience a rare third emotion
amanda: love?
todd: that’s the bitch!
amanda:
todd: i hate the third emotion
todd: they’re making another planet earth
dirk, unimpressed: oh yeah? and where exactly do they plan on getting the dirt for it?
todd:
todd: the documentary series, dirk, not the astronomical object
dirk: oh
todd: okay dirk, I’m gonna give it to you straight
dirk: gross
dirk: [on the phone] todd! i know you told me santa wasn’t real but jokes on you because i’m at the mall and guess who’s bloody here!
dirk: oops
todd: oops? OOPS? this is not an “oops” situation. we are far past oops. oops is a distant speck in the rear view mirror. we are solidly in “oh fuck” territory and i expect you to act like it
dirk: hey todd, do you know what my blood type is?
todd: yeah, it’s B positive
dirk: alright, so i did guess wrong after all! i have to go now
farah: honestly, some women just turn on other women too easily
tina:
tina: okay, i just know my bisexual ears didn’t heart that correctly
todd: dirk, you can’t just do that! i mean damn, who raised you?
dirk:
todd:
dirk:
todd: i’m so sorry
tina, after the sound of nothing: god i love my job
tina: wait this isn’t actually a part of my job
tina: god i love myself
todd: why would you give dirk a knife!?
farah: he felt unsafe!
todd: well now i feel unsafe!
farah: i’m sorry
farah:
farah: would you like a knife?
*on the phone*
dirk: todd? are you at the site? is everything alright?
todd: well, not really. public works put up a giant padlock on the fence and a sign that says “no trespassing”
dirk: oh, well, that probably doesn’t apply to us
todd: there’s also a sign that says “especially dirk gently”
dirk: well dirk gently is a very common name. there is a professor called dirk gently in copenhagen, they probably mean him
todd: there’s a picture of you also
dirk: why are we at a sleepover?
todd: this isn’t a sleepover, dirk, you’re in the hospital
dirk: then why are you here?
todd: i’m waiting for your doctor to come and see you
dirk: why do i have this nightgown then?
todd: that’s a hospital gown
dirk: truth or dare?
todd:
dirk:
todd: dare
dirk: you really know you’ve made it when you see your own picture everywhere
todd: those are wanted posters
tina: hey farah, what do bees make?
farah: honey?
tina: yes dear?
farah: [blushes]
dirk, copying tina: hey todd, what do bees make?
todd: some annoying fucking noise, i don’t know. what do you want anyway?
dirk: [kicks the door open, looking panicked and covered in dirt]
todd: what did you do!?
dirk: no one died
todd: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT
todd: how did this happen?
dirk, stuck on a jungle gym: how does anything happen?