protect icarus

hi! thank you so much, it makes me very happy to hear that! i hope this one lives up to the expectation too! x

oh and happy new year everyone!

needless to say, this one’s got me back on my regular angst train. all aboard!

possible tw: anxiety/discussion of panic attacks + descriptions of physical pain

~

Dirk had been woken up in many unpleasant ways during the course of his life, but this throbbing in his shoulder was new. It started off as a part of his dream, Dirk’s focus suddenly directed at the pain in his shoulder right as the Queen was about to knight him as a thank you for his heroic work. Eventually the pain became strong enough to wake him and he realized it wasn’t a dream, but a very real, very painful wound.

Before Dirk even got his eyes open, he was already swearing up a storm because of the pain in his shoulder. His colorful stream of cuss words was cut off as soon as he finally got his eyes open.

He was in what seemed to be a hospital room. Only problem was, he couldn’t for the life of him remember why. Unlike the intense pain in his shoulder, the steady beeping of the machine attached to him and the smell of chemicals was very much familiar to Dirk. Waking up in the hospital wing of Blackwing was a regular occurrence during his childhood.

As soon as the familiar beeping and smell registered in Dirk’s mind, his breath hitched. Of course. It made sense. The fresh wound, the gap in his memory, the hospital room?

It was Blackwing.

He was back.

thank you so much for the kind words! they mean a lot. xx

this is very short and sweet (pun unintended). hope it’s okay!

~

They were digging for buried treasure. And somehow this wasn’t even the first time.

“I forgot how annoying this is.” Todd mumbled and swept a drop of sweat off his clammy forehead. He’d been digging for at least an hour already and was getting thoroughly fed up with it.

“Yes, well, just think about how well it worked out last time!” Dirk chirped. He had also been digging for an hour, but true to his nature, he remained optimistic, though equally as sweaty and tired as Todd.

Todd snorted. “I mean I guess. Though we did get attacked by gunmen and then saw them ripped apart by the shark in the kitten all in the same trip, so...” He pointed out.

“True, but we also got to go on a road trip! And sleep in the woods! And bond!” Dirk argued.

Todd decided to ignore the bonding part. “Yeah, well, I prefer my nights in the woods spent around a campfire, eating s’mores.” He said.

“I’m sorry, eating what?” Dirk asked.

“S’mores.” Todd repeated.

“Gesundheit.” Dirk replied helpfully.

“Wait... Are you telling me you don’t know what s’mores are?” Todd asked in turn.

“Certainly not.” Dirk replied and paused his digging. “It sounds like something you need a medical license to administer.” He added and frowned.

Todd rolled his eyes. “No, it’s a snack. Or a treat, or whatever. Kids love them. It’s basically a cracker sandwich with marshmallow and chocolate in the middle. It’s disgustingly sweet. You’d love it.” He explained.

Dirk raised his eyebrows in interest. “Well, that does sound much more appealing than I first thought.” He said.

Todd laughed. “I can’t believe you’ve never had s’mores.”

“It’s hardly that surprising. I mean, how am I supposed to know what you American children eat! That, or the fact that up until I was 18 I had eaten maybe four different varieties of food.” Dirk shrugged and went back to digging.

Todd frowned. He kept finding out more and more ways in which Blackwing had deprived Dirk of a childhood and it made Todd hate them more and more with each revelation.

He cleared his throat. “Well, it’s never too late to experience the sugary horror that is s’mores.” Todd remarked.

“Splendid.” Replied Dirk. “In the meantime, would you dig over there? I have a hunch.”

Todd turned to look over at where Dirk was pointing. “You couldn’t have had that hunch an hour ago?” He mumbled and stumped over to the spot.

Dirk simply stuck his tongue out at Todd.

;

About a week after their conversation, the case had been closed, and somehow Todd had managed to convince Dirk to let him drive them somewhere.

They ended up in a parking lot of a camping site.

“Todd, if you’ve brought me here to murder me in the woods, I think perhaps you are being too dramatic and the apartment would have done just as well.” Dirk commented as Todd got out of the car.

“Hey Dirk? Shut up and get out of the car.” Todd said and swung a backpack from the trunk on his back. Dirk obliged.

Todd made them walk a short while, after which they arrived at a spot clearly assigned for campfires.

“Todd?” Dirk asked.

“We’re gonna have s’mores.” Todd explained.

Dirk furrowed his brows. “And that requires driving to the middle of nowhere?” He asked.

Todd rolled his eyes. “We’re not in the middle of nowhere, you can literally still hear the highway from here. But yes. S’mores are meant to be eaten outdoors and in front of a fire.” He replied.

Dirk only smiled and nodded in acknowledgement. Todd gestured for him to take a seat on the logs set up around the campfire spot. Dirk sat down as Todd began to light a fire for them.

After he got the fire going, Todd reached around the log. “Here.” He said as he offered Dirk a long, wooden stick.

“And what do you want me to do with this exactly?” Dirk asked as he inspected the stick.

“It’s for the marshmallow, Dirk.” Todd replied.

Dirk blinked a couple of times. “Is this a riddle?” He asked.

Todd laughed. “Here, see?” He said and stuck a marshmallow at the end of his own stick. Then he moved it over the newly lit fire.

“Oh, I see!” Dirk exclaimed. He mirrored Todd’s actions.

Todd took his own marshmallow off the fire and turned to dig out the chocolate and crackers.

“Uh, Todd? How much is too much fire for a marshmallow?” Asked Dirk after a while.

“What?” Todd asked and turned around to see the marshmallow on Dirk’s stick fully on fire.

“That!” Todd said. “That’s too much fire, Dirk!” He reached over to bring Dirk’s marshmallow off the fire and blew out the flame on the candy.

“Oops?” Dirk said.

Todd laughed. “It’s okay. I’ll roast the marshmallows, you dig in the backpack for the crackers.” He said.

With the now appropriately roasted marshmallows, Todd finally put together a s’more for Dirk.

“See, you just stick the chocolate in the middle of the marshmallow and complete the sandwich with cracker number two and voilà! You have a s’more.” Todd said and presented Dirk with the treat.

Dirk reached out to take it. “Impressive craftsmanship.” He said.

“Why thank you very much.” Todd replied.

“Is it done now? Do I just... Take a bite?” Dirk asked.

“Yeah, go for it.” Todd said.

Dirk looked at the treat in his hand for a moment and then carefully took a bite. Todd found himself to be surprisingly invested in Dirk’s reaction.

Dirk’s eyes widened. “Oh my god, Todd.” He said with his mouth full.

“What do you think?” Todd asked.

“That is marvelous.” Dirk replied.

Todd grinned. “Yeah?”

“Yes! Oh my god. I can’t believe you waited this long to tell me about this!” Dirk said. “Can I have another one?” He then asked.

“Yeah, of course.” Todd said. “You can have as many as you’d like.”

Dirk finished off his first s’more. “I’m thinking 17.” He said.

Todd laughed. “You might puke before you get to 10.” He said.

Dirk gave Todd a challenging look. “My tolerance for sugar is quite impressive, I’ll have you know.” He said.

Todd laughed again. “Touché.”

As Todd began to prepare another s’more for Dirk, who was talking his ear off about his newfound love for the treat, Todd realized just how happy being able to do this for Dirk made him.

Because of Dirk’s childhood, he didn’t have a lot of the experiences most take for granted. Todd hadn’t thought twice about eating s’mores as a kid. He did it often. And then there was Dirk, who only just learned about them a week ago and was now threatening to eat nothing but s’mores for all his meals.

Being able to provide Dirk with some of the experiences he missed out on as a child made Todd happy. Seeing the joy on Dirk’s face at something as simple as a s’more made Todd happy.

Todd had pretty much resigned to the fact that he wasn’t very special or capable. He was just a guy, and kind of a lame one at that. But at least he could do this. He could make sure Dirk didn’t miss out on anything anymore. He could make Dirk smile.

And honestly? He was pretty content with that.

~

if you have any ideas for fics, send me prompts! my inbox is always open! xx

an angst prompt after my own heart!

hope this is alright! x

~

Todd didn’t mind assisting Dirk in the crazy cases they worked on, in fact, he mostly enjoyed it, despite the constant danger. The only thing was that Todd really wished the work didn’t involve being so dirty all the time.

Seriously, if Todd and Dirk weren’t covered in blood, sweat or actual dirt, which they often were, they were covered in things like paint, ash, quacamole (that one’s a long story) or embalming fluid (also a long story, though not as long as the quacamole one). Today, they returned to their apartment covered in feathers stuck to their skin, hair and clothes with honey. Todd would have ranted about how ridiculous the fact was if he wasn’t entirely too tired and frankly, annoyed, by that point.

“Is this a situation that requires dealing with in the bathroom or the kitchen?” Dirk asked, eyeing his now feather covered body.

“Why the hell would we try to get the feathers off in the kitchen? We eat there. Sometimes.” Todd replied.

Dirk shrugged. “The honey.”

“What about it?” Todd pressed.

“Honey’s food.” Dirk replied matter-of-factly.

“That’s so- Just go to the bathroom, Dirk. Let’s try to contain this mess to the room with a shower and a tile floor.” Todd sighed and headed for the bathroom, pushing Dirk in front of him.

They began to take off the clothes covered in feathers and honey, having agreed that it would be easier to clean them once off their bodies.

After removing everything except his underwear and undershirt, Dirk turned to the bathroom mirror to start picking the feathers out of his hair. He kept mumbling about the honey ruining his carefully sculpted hairdo.

Todd rolled his eyes and finished taking off his jeans. Now just in his underwear, Todd turned to the mirror too, getting ready to push Dirk to the side to make room for himself in the mirror, when something caught his eye.

Dirk’s shoulders were partially visible due to the tank top he was now wearing. Dirk’s left shoulder blade was completely covered with an intricate tattoo. The right side of it was still partially covered by the tank top, but not enough to leave Todd wondering what the full picture was. It seemed to be a large diamond shape made of thick black lines with a smaller circle in the middle of it, both shapes being run through by a diagonal line perfectly in the middle. Todd could’ve sworn he’d seen the specific symbol before, but he couldn’t place it in his mind. Was it a logo for something?

Dirk seemed to notice Todd having frozen behind him and furrowed his brow at him through the mirror. “Todd?” He said.

Todd snapped his eyes up to meet Dirk’s in the mirror. “Huh?” He asked.

“Everything alright?” Dirk asked.

“Yeah, fine.” Todd assured. “You have a tattoo.” He added abruptly.

Dirk froze with his arms raised, fingers in his hair. “What?”

Todd cleared his throat. “Uh, just that, you have a tattoo? I didn’t know that. That’s... Sort of surprising, I guess.” He explained.

Dirk turned around, seemingly to bring the tattoo out of Todd’s line of sight, but Todd could still see its reflection in the mirror now behind Dirk.

“I, uh... Yes, I suppose so. I must admit, I had forgotten for a moment.” Dirk said.

Todd snorted. “You forgot you had a tattoo?” He asked.

Dirk blushed. “Well, it’s hardly in a place that I have the dexterity to view very often.” He mumbled.

Todd laughed softly. “I mean, I guess.” He replied. The curiosity got the best of him. “What is it?”

Dirk swallowed slowly. “What do you mean? It’s a tattoo.” He replied.

Todd rolled his eyes. “No shit, Sherlock. I mean the symbol, what does it mean?” He clarified.

Dirk shifted uncomfortably. “It’s, uh... Well, it’s me. In a way.” He finally said.

Todd furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”

Dirk sighed. “It’s the symbol Blackwing assigned to me, alright? It’s sort of code, they gave a specific one for each project. That one’s mine. It means Icarus. It means me.” He explained.

Suddenly Todd remembered where he’d seen the symbol before. It was on the grey overalls Dirk had been wearing when they found him in the trunk of the old car in Bergsberg. The overalls provided by Blackwing.

Todd was confused. “Wait, so it’s a Blackwing thing? Why would you get that tattooed?” Todd realized he knew the answer as soon as the question left his mouth.

“I didn’t.” Dirk confirmed.

A silence fell over the poorly lit bathroom.

Todd closed his eyes for a moment. “You mean... You mean they, Blackwing, tattooed that on you against your will?” He asked calmly.

Dirk looked at his feet, unwilling to look at Todd. “Yes.”

Todd took a deep breath to keep himself calm. “They branded you.” He practically hissed.

Dirk flinched at Todd’s choice of words but nodded slightly. “I suppose.”

Todd could feel the familiar wave of anger wash over him. It wasn’t enough for Blackwing to leave horrific physical and psychological scars on their victims, oh no, these bastards took it one step further. They branded their victims by tattooing them. As if scars weren’t enough, they just had to leave permanent physical reminders of the identity given to their victims at the facility. The identity of a lab rat, a prisoner.

Todd squeezes his hands into fists, willing himself to keep calm. He was furious, but he was furious with Blackwing, not Dirk. It would do nothing but make Dirk feel bad if he exploded in anger now.

“Dirk...” Todd tried to get his friend’s attention.

Dirk finally lifted his head to look at Todd. “It’s alright, Todd. I had forgotten it was even there.” He said.

Todd shook his head. “No, you hadn’t.” He said.

Dirk sighed. “No, I hadn’t. Not completely. But like I said, I don’t see it myself much. It’s easy to put out of my mind. Sort of.” He explained.

Todd tried to swallow the overwhelming need to cry or scream or something. “I’m so sorry, Dirk.”

Dirk shrugged. “You didn’t do it, did you?” He asked.

“No.” Todd said. “But it shouldn’t have happened at all.”

“C’est la vie.” Dirk replied sadly.

Todd shook his head. “No, Dirk. That’s not just life, that’s fucked up. It’s abuse. And manipulative and controlling and whatever the hell else.” He said.

Dirk sighed. “Todd...”

“I’m sorry.” Todd said. “I know, I know you know all that, I just... You matter, Dirk.”

Dirk smiled softly. “Thank you, Todd. So do you.” He said.

Todd shook his head again. “Thanks, but that’s not the point.”

Dirk looked at Todd patiently. “What is the point?”

Todd thought for a moment. “The point is that you’re you. You’re whoever you want to be, not what they tried to force you to be. That’s you. That’s what matters. They had no right. No right to do... Any of that. And this,” He said, indicating the tattoo on Dirk’s shoulder, “is a desperate final attempt to force you to be what they want you to be. But it didn’t work, it won’t. You’re too special to be defined by those assholes. They had no right to mark you like that... But it was also in vain because you’re here. And you’re you. Not Icarus, Dirk. There is no Project Icarus. There’s just Dirk. They’re the ones that flew too close to the sun. They might have burned you in the process but... You’re still here. And you’re not theirs, no matter how badly they tried to make it so, even if they tried to make it look like you were.” Todd tried to explain.

Dirk sniffed. “That was quite the metaphor, Todd.”

Todd laughed awkwardly. “Yeah, well... I did use to write songs, you know.” He said.

“Ah, right.” Dirk smirked. His eyes turned more serious once again. “Thank you, Todd. It means a lot to me to know that you see it that way. It helps.” He said.

“I’m glad.” Todd replied awkwardly. “Just remember that.”

Dirk smiled softly and nodded.

After a moment of silence, Todd spoke up again. “You know, they can remove tattoos. With laser surgery or whatever.”

Dirk thought for a moment. “It’s something to consider, I suppose.” He finally said.

“Or you could cover it up with a different tattoo.” Todd suggested.

Dirk’s eyes lit up. “Now that opens up so many doors!” He said.

Todd laughed. “Oh god, I can only imagine what’s going on in your brain right now.”

Dirk grinned. “I doubt it.”

“You’re right, I really can’t.” Todd agreed.

~

if you have any ideas for fics, send me prompts! my inbox is always open! xx

thank you very much! i’m glad you like it! x

time to venture into the fluffier world of fanfiction! back to the regular angst programming later on folks!

i’m not sure if you wanted established relationship or not, but this kind of toys with the possibility.

this is fairly short & simple. hope you like it tho!

~

Considering all the eccentric things that came with meeting and sort of accidentally befriending Dirk Gently, it wasn’t that surprising that it took Todd a while to notice the touching thing.

Sure, Todd wasn’t a very popular guy, at least not anymore, and therefore didn’t have many friends. He also wasn’t a very affectionate guy. Actually the only person he could remember voluntarily hugging in years was Amanda.

That is, until Dirk.

Somewhere during the time travel chaos the thought crossed Todd’s mind. Dirk was a touchy guy. Todd had had a hand on his shoulder, a thigh touching his while sitting or a shoulder bumping his as he walked more often in the past week than he had for the previous couple of years combined.

Todd also realized that he didn’t mind it.

You might think you’d be a bit on guard when touched on a regular basis by a total stranger who broke into your home and then proceeded to drag you into an insane time travel psychi- sorry, holistic, adventure but Todd found it strangely comforting.

Then Blackwing happened.

After they found Dirk in the trunk of the old car in the tree (seriously, what was his life even) and the two shared an excited hug while jumping up and down, screaming each other’s names excitedly… Dirk got distant. Both physically and mentally.

Todd never realized just how much he liked having the Brit patting him on the shoulder or leaning into him in a diner booth until it wasn’t a regular occurrence anymore.

Everything was so hectic with the Bergsberg police, the boy and creepy Suzie that there was never a good time to reach out to Dirk and ask about how he really was, not without being interrupted at least.

And then it was over and things were back to normal. Well, what they considered normal by that point. Including the casual but habitual touches.

Only this time, Todd was so glad Dirk was back to his old habits, he started reciprocating more.

When Dirk scooted to sit closer to him in a booth, Todd would make sure their shoulders touched. When Dirk excitedly bumped their shoulders together, Todd would grin and repeat the motion. Once, when Dirk touched his thigh to Todd’s while sitting next to each other on the couch, Todd let his hand fall down to lay on Dirk’s thigh. He’d never forget the blush that crept up on the detective’s neck all the way up to his ears.

Todd wasn’t sure if it was the fact that he’d become more touchy as well or something else, but Dirk became more and more persistent to have some sort of physical contact with Todd whenever possible. He became almost clingy.

If they were sitting on the couch, he would casually lift his long legs to rest on Todd’s lap. Instead of telling Todd to move out of the way of bicycles and such, he’d link his arm with Todd’s and pull him closer to himself. If he suddenly got a hunch, he’d grab Todd’s hand and pull him along to wherever they were supposed to head to next.

The biggest difference was when they were alone though. Todd would almost call it… Cuddling. It was starting to blur the line between platonic and… Something else.

One day, as they were sitting on the couch, if you could call it sitting, it was more like slouching, Todd decided to bring it up.

“Hey Dirk?” He asked, looking down at the detective who currently had his head on Todd’s lap, his nose buried in Todd’s shirt.

“Yes, Todd?” Came the muffled answer.

“You’re a… You’re a cuddly person, huh?” Todd awkwardly said. Not exactly what he’d planned on saying but he’d go with it.

“I am?” Dirk replied after a lengthy pause.

“Yeah, I mean… You haven’t noticed?” Todd asked.

“I guess not. Does it… Bother you?” Dirk asked carefully.

“No! No, it’s totally fine. Just… Something I noticed.” Todd replied quickly.

“Oh. Alright.” Dirk said.

“So, we’ve established that I don’t mind. I’m just wondering… You do realize that most guys, guys that are just friends I mean, don’t really do that. Right?” Todd mumbled.

Dirk stiffened a bit in his lap. “I-I suppose. Well, if I’m honest you’re the first man friend I’ve had, or any gendered friend for that matter, so, I’m sure you know about that sort of thing more than I do.” Dirk rambled.

“Right. I guess I’m just wondering… If that’s a you thing or a… A me thing.” Todd said.

Dirk sat up, putting a bit of distance between them. “What do you mean?”

Todd reached to scratch the back of his neck. “I mean… Is that something you’d do with anyone or… Just me?”

Dirk thought for a moment. “You’re my only best friend.”

Todd couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, I know, but like… If I wasn’t.” He tried to explain awkwardly.

Dirk blinked a few times. “I guess I’m not sure. I just like… Being close to you.”

Todd swallowed. “Yeah?”

“Yes.” Dirk replied.

“Okay.” Todd said dumbly.

“I guess… I guess no one else has ever let me be very close to them.” Dirk shrugged.

Todd thought for a moment. “What about when you were a kid?”

Dirk laughed dryly. “You mean in Blackwing? The only touching that occurred in Blackwing was either grabbing or pushing or-”

Todd cringed. “No… No, of course not. I mean like… Your parents?”

Dirk went quiet for a moment. “I don’t remember time before Blackwing very well. But from what I do I gather there wasn’t a lot of… Closeness.” Dirk mumbled.

“Like… Your parents didn’t hug you or… I don’t know, hold your hand or something?” Todd asked.

Dirk shrugged. “Not that I remember. They would’ve been the only people to do that before you but I don’t think they did. I’m fairly certain they didn’t.”

Suddenly it dawned on Todd. He might be the only person who’s ever hugged Dirk. Or held his hand. Or casually patted him on the shoulder. Or be close to him at all, at least without a threat of violence… If you didn’t count Farah or Amanda. And they weren’t very touchy people in general.

Todd sighed and turned to fully face Dirk. “You know… There’s like studies and stuff about how important touch is to children.”

Dirk looked confused. “Alright. Well, I’m not a child.”

Todd laughed. “Yeah, I know, but you were. And you had a… Very strange childhood.”

Dirk laughed too. “That’s one way to put it.”

Todd smiled. “What I mean is… It makes sense that you’d crave that kind of contact now. Since you, you know… Didn’t have that before. As a kid.”

Dirk’s brows furrowed as he weighed Todd’s words. “I suppose.”

“Well, anyway, I’m glad to, you know… Give you that.” Todd replied awkwardly.

Dirk smiled. “Thank you.”

Todd thought for a moment and then leaned over to wrap his arms around Dirk. Dirk’s arms came up to wrap themselves around Todd in return.

“I do like this.” Dirk whispered.

Todd blushed. “Yeah, it’s alright.”

They stayed like that for a while, a comfortable silence surrounding them. At some point they'd shifted to lean against the back of the couch, still holding each other, their legs now tangled together, hanging off the couch.

After a while, Dirk spoke up again.

“It might be a Dirk thing, but it might also be a little bit of a Todd thing.”

Todd hid his grin into Dirk’s shoulder.

~

if you have any ideas for fics, send me prompts! my inbox is always open! x