Trigger warning
Tonights been a rough one. I didn’t do my chores today. Well I did one of them and when my mom got home she said that I disappoint her which was ABSOLUTELY lovely to hear. My sister cleaned my room for my birthday present and she threw away all my little space stuff AND 50$ worth of Art supplies which I use to cope. So Im DESPERATELY looking for my coloring supplies and my sister is stoned as fuck and Im coming in her room asking where she put it and she doesn’t know. Like it was in a pink container how could you not know?? So Im looking all over my room and I start sobbing because I am wanting to hurt myself and I cant find my usual coping skills.l that I do in time of need. And my mom is asleep so I cant bother her. Okay so At this point I’m panicking and Im desperately wanting to cut my skin open. So I start completely freaking out looking for something to harm myself. My sister also threw away my blades not knowingly. Which I guess is kinda good but it made me panic more because I just didn’t care at this point I wanted to cut. I never wanted to do something more in my entire life. I tore my bed apart pushing it back knowing I had some under my bed and I found it and I just couldn’t hold my self back. I was just wanting to feel that release and as soon as I did it it was like everything went away. The panic. I felt calm. And saying that now sounds horrible but it actually stopped me from my panic attack. My left thigh is completely torn up again. I dont know what I’m going to do. Ive been cutting for 5 years and my parents think I havent since like Late 2015 or early 2016. My therapist and psychiatrist think The last time I relapsed was in January. I wanna come clean and say that I am cutting again but I know that the first thing that comes from my moms mouth will be “you have so many coping skills. Youvr been going to therapy for years and you still come to this?” That would be the first thing out of my mothers mouth. She has a point but I just... its like an addiction. Its kind of like... my mother was an alcoholic and she would drink daily and she would do stupid things. She now has alcohol every once inAwhile and its like asking her to stop drinking completely. She could but it would be hard. My mom tells me that she always wants a drink and thats how I feel. I always want to cut but I dony all the time just when it gets bad. I just Im stuck. I wanna go tell everyone that I need more help. I need to be stable but I know my parents wont let me go back into treatment. My mom would say its not the right place for you. So I guess im just stuck. I dont know heres my story of tonight. I just dont know what to do I guess. So thats what is happening tonight. I kinda just wanted to write this all out to see if it would help. But I dont know Anymore.