12/2/20
Trigger warning
Topics self harm
Im 198 days clean. But today Im extremely struggling. I feel like Im going to lose it. I feel so unsupported right now. My mom keeps asking me whats going on but I know if I explain its not going to help any because she doesn’t understand. And Ive tried explaining it to her too, the dissociation, which she just blames it on benydril which I did look up and its not caused by benydril. I took charge of my mental health yesterday because I have been dissociating lately, hearing things that arent there and have been extremely panicked and irritable so I called to try to get a sooner psych appointment but there was none till Jan 6th. So I say I need to talk to someone sooner and they said they would have a PSYCHIATRIST call me tomorrow since they believed it was an emergency. So I was called today for my “emergency psychiatrist appointment” and so I had this horrible day at work. My client was aggressive with me and I was just exausted and they were like “were here to call you back about your message” and Im literally like what messages because I left no one a message. So anyway they ask me when I wanted to speak to my psychiatrist and I said ASAP and they said the only appointment available now was the 24th of December and Im like I need to talk to someone now which is why I called yesterday for an EMERGENCY psychiatrist to talk to me. Anyway they had me just tell my symptoms and they will “get back to me” when my psychiatrist gets to it. But what was really tense for me was I couldn’t tell the person on the phone half the things. I could only tell her about the irritability and the dissociating because my grandma kept snickering at it and I Didn’t feel safe saying Im hearing things. Last time I had a crisis was when I was having urges to self harm and severe irritability and anxiety they called me back the next day they set up an appointment with the on call one. I dont understand why they couldn’t have done that here. Because clearly Im getting nowhere and I just feel so unsupported and unheard. And then since 5pm Ive been having this weird mental eppisode? Ive been laughing hysterically at my mental health, making self harm songs “I wanna pull hair out, I wanna pull my hair out, I wanna pull my hair out, and I wanna s*it my wrist, I wanna pull my hair out, I wanna pull my hair out, I wanna pull my hair out, and I wanna c*t my throat. I wanna pull my hair out, I wanna pull my hair out, I wanna pull my hear out and tear out all my guts” and I was CRYING I was laughing so hard while making up this song. But I’m finally in bed and I’m trying to keep safe so hopefully I can keep my 198 days sober streak.