Normal Horoscope:
Aries: The future is squishier than you give it credit for. Make your expectations notably squishier.
Taurus: Life is all about symbols. Spend some time today considering the metaphorical implications of you habit of smashing eggs together.
Gemini: Sometimes the fog doesn’t actually obscure anything but more fog. Give fog a chance, enjoy yourself some fog.
Cancer: No more messing around Cancer, its time to find whatever has been making small effigies out of your silverware and give it a good talking to.
Leo: All human endeavors trend towards stability. Like naturally selection but for things that actually support you. Know how to ride the odd wave.
Virgo: Whether you understand it or not, all things have a reason for happening. Confront how much of the world happens when you are not looking.
Libra: Your time in this metaphorical prison will be up when, ironically, you spend some time in real prison.
Scorpio: The self is an illusion produced by a shitty magician. It’s okay to be underwhelmed.
Ophiuchus: I asked for your fortune today and all I got was this lousy swarm of beetles.
Sagittarius: Having trouble at work? Try washing all of your clothing in the ancient waters of the Red Sea.
Aquarius: Face the world head-on! Grab life by the horns! Snap it over your knee like a Mortal Kombat fatality! Life is too short to not take advantage of its size for gratuitous violence!
Pisces: Get through the day by saying really nasty things about the concentrated beam of plasma you’re supposed to be analyzing.
