One of the things I didn’t realize would happen as we became more experienced with non-monogamy is that dates with other people would be less of a big deal.
In the early days when it was all new and exciting/terrifying I would have to cheer myself on to build up the courage to tell my husband I was planning a date with someone else. I would cringe when he told me he was going out with that hot bartender. I never knew what to say when he was walking out the door for a date. I pouted sometimes while he was gone. We would carefully prod and poke after we returned home, wanting details but also being kind of hurt by the details. It all seemed like so much work. My insecurities and fears made it such an effort.
It makes sense that it’s so difficult at first, it’s a new and frightening skill that our current culture hasn’t given us many tools for. Women are socialized to see other potential partners as competition, men are socialized to feel ownership over their partners, everyone is socialized to feel like we should be “enough” for one person and fulfill all of their needs, these are deeply rooted things that take time to unlearn.
Now, just a few years later, it’s as casual as any other details we cover when we talk about the week’s schedule. Telling him I have a plans with another partner takes no courage at all. I look forward to his dates so I can catch up on shows he’s not fond of, or movies I like to watch alone. Instead of an anxious “how was your night, tell me everything that happened” it’s more like “hey there’s some pizza left in the kitchen”. If there is any grilling for details it’s questions like “did she love the flowers you brought?” “how was his vacation?” and “did you invite them to that thing at the club in a few weeks?” To be honest, these days I probably ask for more updates about his partner’s pets than I do about his partners.
It used to take so much energy just to endure this challenge and process all of the feelings involved, and now it’s like any other facet of our lives, it’s manageable. It’s functional. It’s a lot less stressful. Sure there are snags now and then, but they don’t feel like the world is crashing down around me, and I know that we can talk things out and hear each other.
What did it take to get here? Trust and good communication. But those things have to be learned, like any other skill, through trial and error and practice. Sure I trusted him when we started dating other people, but I didn’t trust this process yet. I had all kinds of anxieties about our own sexual relations being impacted, about upholding boundaries and about comparing myself to the women he dated. Time and practice have shown me that none of these things are worthwhile concerns.
There was no shortcut for us, we had to learn through experience that he will tell me even the tough things, that I can be honest with him and he can handle it, that our respect for each other won’t waver. Time has reassured me like nothing else could.
