evil wizard voice: i too have a "doom scroll"

wizard college is going to kill me I swear to god. I just saw someone without a component satchel reach into their pocket and pull out a handful of LOOSE tapioca to use as a substitute for blood in their fell ritual. and it worked. I've never been so fucking mad.

ITS 1AM I WAS JUST ABOUT TO START CRANKING MY HOG AND A GECKO FELL RIGHT ON MY CHEST OUT OF NOWHERE ????

we dont really know what elves looked like since we only have their skeletons. the large skull protrusions are often, bafflingly, depicted as ears, though its far more likely that they were complex osseous organs meant for a purpose humans do not possess.

[THEY WERE NOT REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS]

Oh shit I just realized I can post the "Gaussian Blur Wizard That Gaussian Blurs You" here

his friend "Motion Blur Mage That Motion Blurs You"

Their long suffering associate, the "Sharpen Cleric that Sharpens you (badly)"

Nooo!!! What have you all unleashed upon us!?!

dont forget the chromatic abberation warlock that chromatically abberates you

may I add Mystic Mosiac who turns your quality waaaaaaay down

What did he do to deserve this

punished by the council

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus; either way I'm suck their penus

im not gay but 20 blueberries is 20 blueberries

gnome economy

A goblin and an elf have decided to defy tradition and get married. Their ceremony will be held in the magical forest in accordance with elven tradition.

It's a beautiful ceremony. The elven bride in her finest, flowing silks, dappled by the sun. The goblin bride in a human-sized wedding dress stolen from a goodwill.

The elven side of the aisle of course has the elvish bride's father and mother, as well as her older sisters, as well as all the forest animals who inhabit her parents' court.

The goblin side is a bunch of The Labyrinth looking freaks in their best simulacrum of what they think good folks wear to weddings. The father of the bride is wearing a really snazzy cocktail dress.

It's a mixed tradition ceremony. The elven part of the ceremony involves the young couple being presented in front of the king of the forest, a majestic unicorn, who blesses the couple by touching them with his horn.

The goblins kidnapped a local priest to bless the couple according to their tradition.

The ring the elven bride presents to her wife-to-be is brought in by a squirrel riding a doe. It's made of silver, inlaid with decorative golden leaves.

The goblin worst man accidentally swallowed the ring, which was purchased from a pawn shop.

The father of the elven bride keeps looking over to the goblin side of the aisle, barely hiding his disgust. But he is resigned to it. What matters most is his daughter's happiness.

At the end of the ceremony his face sinks as the father of the goblin bride says "Welcome to the family! You can call me brother," while vigorously shaking his hand.

The reception is, of course, held at a speakeasy according to goblin tradition. The ceiling is only five feet tall, making it very difficult for the elves.

"An elf walks into a bar,"

"Will you please stop saying that!"

During the reception the father of the goblin bride, named Frankie the Third, decides to introduce his family to his new elven family.

"These are my older sisters, Frankie the First and Frankie the Second. No relation."

"What does that mean,"

#the father of the elven bride is absolutely disgusted by the goblin's dad#right up until he's got some of that good goblin ale in him and then they're both singing old shanties together#'i am amazed you know this one! it must be far older than you - we sang it hundreds of years ago!'#'yeah i ate some old musty book full of songs once and i think that was in there'#'...okay!'#they're superbowl dad buddies afterward

You understand my vision

My favorite bit is it sounds like @thydungeongal is there and they're live tweeting the wedding.

I love the implication that goblins are incredibly well-read because they keep eating pure information 📚

You should see my uncle who once ate a stack of porno mags

He ate them for the articles.

But he spit out all the nasty prepositions and gerunds.

"The goblin worst man accidentally swallowed the ring, which was purchased from a pawn shop." Riiiiiight. It was "purchased".

This is the priest's eighth goblin wedding. (There is some contention over whether one wedding counted as it became a race to finish the vows before the groom finished giving birth and it became a christening)

He is dumped out of the burlap sack and begins "We are gathered here today..." without hesitation. Two goblin children have to be restrained from running up and climbing him because he's their favorite god-uncle. The first time he was kidnapped he was terrified and had to be prodded (literally) to say the wedding vows to the happy couple. The second time he was kidnapped, he spent the entire time protesting that this didn't count and argued with the mother-in-law about what should be said and was repeatedly cowed into submission. The third wedding he was delirious from lack of sleep and when uncle drunkenly demanded he hurry up, the priest snapped and went into "fire and brimstone" mode declaring that a sacred union of love was not to be disrespected in such a way and incorporating it into his blessing upon the union before resigning himself to death. Unfortunately for him, the goblins loved it and he immediately became the most preferred priest in the region and was dragged into the community celebrations completely against his will. He pretends to pull a ring from behind the bride's ear to make up for the missing one, and sincerely tells the couple that he knows that they will be very happy together before he crowd surfs to the exit. Wild applause erupts.

The father of the goblin bride thumped the worst man in the kidneys with a goat femur until he coughed up three different rings, none of which were the original one “purchased”. The goblin bride proudly gave her elven bride all of them.

The cake at a goblin wedding is more chosen based on its looks and color-coordination with the brides' dresses rather than its taste, because there's a high chance that more of it is going to be worn rather than eaten by the end of the night's celebration.

Scanning the mines for djinn/elves

Going to the Mojave to hunt for Elves/Djinn

you won't find us there

them

Many of my gems cause horrible, agonizing maladies