Fave new twitter thread

tbobf episode six be like:

Ah, hello there, Mrs. Offscreen. I've heard so much about you! Ah, this? It's my trophy husband. Oh, no, no, he's not aggressive at all, just a little standoffish but he's calm while leashed... purebreed, you know how finnicky they tend to be. Oh, yes, you should see his pedigree, some really impressive bloodlines in there, especially on the dam's side. Pure Viking Warrior lineage. And minimal inbreeding! Oh, you've noticed the double dilute eyes, as well. No, no hip dysplasia whatsoever. I know! Such a rare find. Your husband isn't so bad, himself. What breed did you say he is?

So I have this cat and randomly she will 'hunt' me a pair of socks and come meowing to me and leaving it by my feet like it's some really amazing never before seen catch that I MUST enjoy.

Anyway the moral of the story is I've found space Aladdin in the depths of my google drive so I'm casting it upon the world again.

"Why aren't you a dinosaur?" "Cheer up loser"

I named him Cock btw. In hindsight........... not my best idea (or is it)

Tweet by dumbbeezie: Gif your birth year and that’s your Met Gala outfit 

The one on the right, obviously.

I am forcibly escorted from the Met Gala

Or maybe…

rate people i do not find attractive and i’ll try to guess your type

alpha-17? amidala? general ackbar??

[video description: a tiktok by @/ScottishPresident, it starts with a video of a person twiting up strips of bacon and putting them on a tray, over the top is text reading: ‘@/HouseOfKeto My Viral Bacon Hack’. The person says ‘gone viral on tiktok, facebook, instagram, even your Mama’s house, she was making bacon yesterday, I saw her’. The video is cut off and cuts to a person wearing a hijab, they are walking and talking in an outraged tone, they say: ‘Mother! Bacon? In the month of Ramadan no less?’ \End description]

Star Wars bird by Pet Foolery on Instagram

I am dying OMG

mr darcy lived in derbyshire so he sounds like. lizzeh. ah lov yew moost ahhdentleh

wait the places in pride and prejudice are real?

england is indeed real

Crying

fucked up if true </3

we were discussing wills and inheritances in the breakroom today and one of the boys brought up that he heard if you hate someone in your family, you’re supposed to leave them something, literally anything, even if it’s just like 1 penny, so that they can’t sue and say you just forgot them, and one of the other boys said why wouldn’t you just say like “I specifically do not leave anything to this person” and one of the girls piped up “No, leave them 1 penny, it’s a bigger fuck you” and then she paused and goes “No wait, tell them that you leave them everything in the box you’ve buried in the woods and they have to go find it and dig it up and then they can have everything in it, but it’s just 1 penny” and because I am a writer, and thinking up wild things to have happen is part of the writing job description, I (without looking up from my computer where I was currently writing a story) said “or a bomb. I mean, you hate them right” and i looked up and everyone was looking at me and the girl (who FYI is a horror movie enthusiast and I had figured on appreciating the joke) goes “well. I mean, what are they going to do, arrest me? I’m dead.” and I wish I could bottle the looks on the boys’ faces.

hmmmmmmmmm