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#elves – @pistachioinfernal on Tumblr
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Words Have Power

@pistachioinfernal / pistachioinfernal.tumblr.com

ON HIATUS: Be brave, be kind. Feminist, socialist, anti-fascist, she/her. I once asked Chuck Tingle if he might write a kids book. AO3. Multifandom blog. About. Follow 'wholesome' tag for cute stuff. 50ish age
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Wait a minute if elves take a hundred years to grow up that has some weird implications.

So… if we say a human comes of age in fantasy worlds at 16, that means it takes an elf 6.25 years to age one human year. If we say the age of maturity is 18 that’s 5.55 years.

So then… okay with people that live a long time have to see their human friends die and probably see them like pets yeah that’s been explored to death. But what about a human just seeing their friend not grow up?

An elf toddler and a human toddler become friends at a playdate. At the time the human is two and the elf is 13. Emotionally the elf is just a little older than the human. But then the human grows up. He grows up and as he grows up his friend doesn’t. Not much, anyways.

She’s still sucking her thumb and throwing tantrums the entire time that he grows up. When he reaches the age where he’d choose a trade or go to an academy he’s earning extra money by babysitting her. During his initiation into adulthood on his 18th birthday she’s there with her parents holding a stuffed animal. Later that afternoon he sees her being shown some colorful flashcards with letters of the elvish alphabet on it by her father.

The human gets older. He learns how to fight, he goes from town to town getting work. At some point he joins the army. Every time he visits his hometown he has at least one more scar and by the time he’s 30 and the elf girl is mentally seven by human standards she starts to understand that something is wrong. Even after he settles down to be a home maker for the local blacksmith something feels wrong.

And she watches him grow old. When she’s in her 80s she babysits his grandchildren for extra cash after school, coming over in her school robes and ruffling his hair. She doesn’t remember why she became friends with this human or when but a strange sense of jealousy fills her heart.

Now she realizes it. She realizes it too late, on the day her friend learns that he is dying. The first day of her 100th year and the start of his last. Humans’ lifetimes may only last for the childhood of an elf if they’re lucky, but they learn so fast. They do so much. They cram their days full of love and hate and learning and wonder.

He knew this was coming. He knew all of this decades before she did, because elves are slow. Not stupid, certainly not stupid, but very very slow. She holds her old friend’s hand as he lays down on his bed. A man that has led such an ordinary life but feels so extraordinary to her. Because he has always, always been there and now he just won’t. Because in her eyes he became so wise so fast and now he’s just gonna be gone.

On an elf’s 100th birthday they are allowed to choose a new name for themselves. It can be important, or not. Usually it will follow them until the end of time. She stands in front of her family’s elders and is asked what name she will be called from now on.

She names herself after him.

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do you think vampires and werewolves are an exclusively human phenomenon or are there dwarfish werewolves and elvish vamps and shit??

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betazeds

would you fucking go to bed

*griffin voice* come plaaaaaay with me in this spaaaace

centaurs but the human part is a dragonborn

mermaids but the human part is an orc

HOBBIT ZOMBIES

i’m coming to your house and turning off your wifi

it’s a new month I have data for days bitch

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aleatoryw

I’m sorry but imagining the personality of the typical elf combined with the personally of a typical vampire is the most INSUFFERABLE individual I’ve ever even dreamt of

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THIS JUST IN

The folks behind D&D just took a sledgehammer to one of my least favorite d&d tropes: The Drow

Now instead of being a society of nazi dominatrixes who are inherently and spiritually corrupt, the modal inspiration for the drow is now the late roman empire: where scheming, selfishness, and ambition were considered primary virtues, making it easy for any individual to conform to society if it means their own advancement.

Set against this is the now cannon ability for elves to change their sex at will, understood by many as a blessing by their creator. The drow, having being recast as a “darkly gendered” society, see this ability as taboo, rebellious, and inviting anarchy. 

The creators have literally canonized questioning your gender as a heroic act set in opposition to one of the game’s baddest of big bads . I’m so proud of these nerds!

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draw some fat elves you cowards you tepid fools

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draconym

okay

yes good 

Hope it’s not too late to join the elf pudge party

Did someone say fat elves…?

@bace-jeleren, have you seen these high quality elves yet?

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bace-jeleren

I haven’t seen the third elf and let me say that this post just keeps getting better and better!

beep

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slack-water

hello yes i would like to add some chubby elves (whut about them dude elves tho)

inktober day 10

cool propt dude

God I fucking love this post and it gets better and better with every fat elf

This is the best thing

@bace-jeleren have you seen these new additions?

1. I love this post probably more than I love myself

2. I love that people always think to tag me whenever they see it because every time, there’s a new fat elf!!!!!

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valtsv

shit tier: elves with ears that are just regular human ears, but pointy

okay tier: elves with long ears

god tier: elves with long ears with piercings

elves with long ears that move to indicate their emotional state:

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perkwunos

Dwarves shit huge and pee little… elves pee large and shit barely at all

Dwarves work in mines, their kidneys are in overdrive clearing all of the toxins and heavy metals they come into contact with. Their diet is mostly high efficiency foods, such as meat and fat and mushrooms. They probably don’t get a lot of plant matter in their diets.

Meanwhile elves’ diet is almost 100% plant matter (and all of the fiber that comes along with that) and their lifestyle is obsessed with fresh air, clean water, and a pure environment.

Face the facts: dwarves pee huge and shit little, and elves shit large and pee barely at all

However:  Dwarves find belching polite and good fun, a compliment to the drink and cook. Farting, however, is crass– after all, farting in a mine shaft? Just think about it. It’s like blasting your buddies in the car and locking the windows, but in this case there are no windows to lock. You’re just sealed up in the darkness, inhaling Dvalin’s particular brand of beer-cheese-eggs-and-mushroom while your beard hairs curl and your eyes water.  Conversely, Elves rip ass all the time because they subsist on fart fuel. Because they eat plant matter, they aren’t too ripe but they are loud enough to rattle the surrounding forestry, which the Elves delight in. Proper Elvish farts are released right next to an innocent victim in a stealth maneuver, as quietly as possible. The aggressor stands innocently nearby, until the victim begins to protest and complain and accuse, at which time a good laugh is had by all (except the unfortunate victim). The other beloved Elvish tradition is to loudly rip one in a quiet room, then firmly and solemnly chasten the nearest Elf for it– this one is favored by elder, Elves with the most dignified personalities. 

Who the fuck decided we needed this?

God did when she moved my fingers to type the original post. 

It’s been nothing but hardship and regret from there on, but I still trust that it’s part of a greater plan.

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d&d setting where all the elves use too many apostrophes because they talk with a southern accent, featuring the magical sword y’all’d’ve

demon: WHO WOULD HAVE DARED STAND AGAINST ME?

elf: I’d’ve.

demon: Wait is that your name or are you just saying you would have?

elf: fuck.

elf: you.

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copperbadge

elf: We come from the land of yer mom’n’em. 

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draw some fat elves you cowards you tepid fools

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draconym

okay

yes good 

Hope it’s not too late to join the elf pudge party

Did someone say fat elves…?

@bace-jeleren, have you seen these high quality elves yet?

Avatar
bace-jeleren

I haven’t seen the third elf and let me say that this post just keeps getting better and better!

beep

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slack-water

hello yes i would like to add some chubby elves (whut about them dude elves tho)

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Niobe: She Is Life #1 (2015)  //  Stranger Comics

Niobe Ayutami is an orphaned wild elf teenager and would-be savior of the vast and volatile fantasy world of Asunda. She is running from a past where the Devil himself would see her damned… toward an epic future that patiently waits for her to bind nations against the hordes of Hell!

Story Sebastian A. Jones, Amandla Stenberg, art  Ashley A Woods.

Get the comic now here

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