@pikachugirltits / pikachugirltits.tumblr.com
Talking with my roommate @rozario-sanguinem about how pivotal My Little Pony Friendship is Magic was to helping me define what "girl" meant to me, and what kind of girl I wanted to be. I'm talking about how hard I vibed with Rainbow Dash and I joke about how I probably only very narrowly avoided being a Rainbow Dash kinnie. When suddenly something about how my fursona is dressed seems awfully familiar:
I subconsciously stole my fashion sense from the Equestria Girls version of Rainbow Dash.
As someone who doesn't really like Phyrexians and is eagerly waiting for this arc to just be over with, I will say that the revelation that they're going to compleat 5 more planeswalkers in this arc (and at least some of them are all but assured to be some very popular characters) actually has me breathing a sigh of relief that my speculation that the Gatewatch is eventually going to find a cure for compleation is more or less 100% confirmed. There's no way WotC is actually going to permanently remove 7 characters from their roster of planeswalkers by "killing" them off.
In fact, with them amping the stakes up this much, I'm going to take a stab that they'll find a way to restore most of the compleated planeswalkers in March of the Machine. One or two of them will remain Phyrexian and escape to be used both as a potential way to bring back the Phyrexians in the future and as a recurring subplot of the other characters searching for them to restore them.
@pikachugirltits commissioned me to do a cel-shaded chibi of her fursona and here she is! I had a lot of fun doing this, I don't get furry comms super often (mostly because I almost only ever do furry stuff on commission cause I cannot decide on a fursona myself ;n;).
I wanted to make sure she was cute and fluffy and just looked very huggable and sweet. I think I very much succeeded!
TA-DA!
Here she is, the super amazing debut of my absolutely incredible fursona, Lexi the Pikachu!
I am soooooooo thrilled with how she turned out! Tremendous credit to my friend Roz here for perfectly capturing my general vibes and distilling them into her. I really do look at this picture constantly and just think "That's me!"
There's so many details to go over in this that I'm absolutely in love with. For example, how my request for an obnoxious Hawaiian print led to the inclusion of the Lesbian pride colors in the flowers. Or the fact that I literally own those socks and a scrunchie like that IRL.
And she does look so fluffy and cute and happy!!!!!!!! And I can't help but feel the same when I look at her!!!!!!!!
The other day when talking to my roommates about clothes and the color of clothes, I made an off hand comment about how "I don't even really like yellow," and then suddenly felt an intense feeling of confusion and discomfort before suddenly remembering my newfound Pikachu-ness, which then caused a minor identity crisis of "wait, if I'm a Pikachu then...I'm yellow? I should like yellow?"
And like, I'm already thinking about how maybe I've underappreciated yellow and I think that says something really interesting about how we regard our likes and dislikes and preferences when it comes to colors. Like the fact that right when I was getting really into MLP, I vibed so much with Rainbow Dash that I suddenly began to really like sky blue. Or how much I began to really dig pink as a color as I started to feel more comfortable being out as a girl in public. The way we tie up colors with specific parts of our identity is fascinating.
It's the next fucking day and my heart is still aching. This is the first time I've been deliberately dead named and misgendered by someone I actually care about. I was not prepared for how much this sucks. I get shit all the time from assholes at work and it's annoying but I can usually let it just slide off me. Because I tell myself their opinion doesn't matter.
And while I haven't always gotten along with my stepmom over the years, I know she cares about me, even if her idea of caring is controlling and a bit toxic.
For a while it felt like she was trying at least. She didn't get it, but she was trying...after that last conversation I have to question if she actually was trying. Did she see at as just "humoring me" hoping I would grow out of it? It certainly sounded like that the way she was talking.
I'm...just not sure what to do next.
Well, I just had a really pleasant conversation with my stepmom where I got dead named three times and told I'll "always be their son"
Honestly, like a week ago I would have just tried to ignore it but... I'm fuming now. I'm kind of tired of feeling like I am not welcome...
Me: *killing some time before I have to go to work*
The cat: *does this just as my final alarm goes off*
I'm not allowed to leave apparently.
Ahhhhhhhh the serotonin rush I get everytime I reblog something or look at something on blog and see my icon...
💞💖💗💓💓💗💖💞
I want to let you guys know that the only reason I'm not shoving the full picture of my fursona in everyone's face Maes Hughes style right this instant is because I'm giving the artist a chance to post it on his blog first.
I have a very spotty memory about my personal life, especially my teen years. But that post about middle school anime (and having to Google how old I would have been in 7th grade to figure out what year it was) got me wondering about the exact timeline of how I went from "gets into anime" to "realizes I'm trans." Thankfully I still remember most of the websites I used as a teen and my usernames so I was able to do some sleuthing and I think I've assembled the timeline of how my egg cracked.
1998: Pokemon debuts in America and a very young me is instantly hooked. This would lead to a lifeline obsession and also interest in such shows as Digimon and Monster Rancher.
2002: As I enter middle school, I learn the term anime for the shows I was really into as a kid. I begin actively seeking out anime and get into Yu Yu Hakusho and Inuyasha at around the same time. At the same time, puberty starts to rear its ugly head and while I can't put my finger on the why I am immensely uncomfortable with the changes happening to my body.
2004: As I begin to spend more time online I start getting into fanfic and make a fanfiction.net account. One day, while browsing Inuyasha fanfic I stumble upon an InuyashaxRanma 1/2 crossover. I look up what Ranma 1/2 is, and something clicks in my brain. I start getting really obsessed with stories where guys get turned into girls. I seek out fanfics and web comics about it.
2005: I make a Gaia Online account, with a male avatar.
2006: I change my Gaia avatar to a girl. I make a journal entry about this that's evasive about why. From my best recollection, this is about when my egg started cracking. I think at this point I'm still thinking of myself in terms of "A guy who wants to be a girl" and at least on Gaia I'm still referring to myself as [Dead name]
2007(?): Exact timeline is inexact because Super Smash Bros Brawl had a long pre release cycle, but during a joke topic on the GameFAQs message boards for Brawl I claim to be a girl. This is one of the first times I call myself a girl on the internet, and being called a girl and treated like a girl by others kind of shifts my internal self perception to "I am a girl" finally.
Honestly, there's something really comforting about being able to travel back down memory lane and hunt down my past online presence like this because just looking this stuff up helped me recall all this, and for someone who struggles to remember stuff from back then... it's nice.
You know...the real mystery in me taking this long to figure out I actually am a furry is how I somehow completely avoided it during the height of my brony phase.
Hnngh, now that I've finished one story I have a mighty urge to create more, but I can't get my brain to zero in on what.
Hey, who was going to tell me that the solution to clearing out the YEARS long writer's block preventing me from writing an actual story was to become a furry and start writing a kinky transformation story to convert my old self-insert OC into my fursona.
Can we all stop for a moment to appreciate how nicely Lexi the Pikachu shortens down to Lexichu. The way the stress still falls naturally on the middle syllable, the way x has a similar mouth feel to k...
Ooh, that's like just...very pleasant to say.
You know there's something weirdly exciting about seeing my new username pop up in my notifs now. Like, part of it is probably the novelty but like... it's nice to be trying new things.
One thing I know has been bothering me lately is how just as I was starting to really get into makeup the pandemic hit and I started wearing a mask all the time so I stopped doing my makeup up, but then I realized it was making me feel bad so I started wearing makeup under the mask and learned how to do eye makeup so I was wearing something visible but then I started feeling frustrated that I was still getting misgendered despite the effort and I stopped again...
And honestly I know logically starting to do my makeup again would help me feel better but lately it's felt like a Sisyphean task and I just don't know if I have the spoons to do it again.
And some of that circles back around to the fact that I really want to present more femme, in a tomboyish way...but work dress code prevents me from wearing skirts all the time and I also don't own that many and my bulge makes me feel self conscious.....
Arg, this is getting nowhere and I just... want to figure out how to move past this.
Talking with my roommate and I'm starting to realize how much at least some of this restless energy coursing through me is just a strong desire for human interaction and talking to people.
I've largely kept to myself on this site out of...shyness? I suppose. Fear of coming across as annoying?
And I soooooooo desperately want to, like...change that. Make some human connections again.
