The yassification of the volturi

John Mulaney as twilight characters part three

Edward showing Bella the painting of the Volturi

Every single witness when Renesmee comes out looking like a whole ass immortal child and then tries to touch them

Alice Cullen (no other explanation needed)

Bella trying (and failing) to get Edward to sleep with her

Mike Newton getting hit in the face with a volleyball

Edward Cullen dying of the Spanish flu

Felix guarding Aro

Literally any of the Cullens telling Alice/Edward not to cheat at chess

The blue filter in twilight (yes it is a character of it’s own)

Jasper taking Alice to meet the Cullens for the first time and take over Edward’s bedroom

link to part one

link to part two

link to part four

One day Aro find out that when Bella projects her shield in that certain way Edward can read her mind. He doesn’t even summon them to Volterra, he runs his ass straight to wherever they’re staying in the country. He demands to try it out and eventually Bella begrudgingly agrees. After a few moments he jumps back surprised by something he has found in her thoughts around the time of the trial in breaking dawn:

This is for Aro you big fat white nasty smellin fat bitch why you tryin to take out my mothafuckin daughter wit cho triflin dirty white racist ass big fat bitch sewer rat body ass bitch I’m comin up there and I’m gon beat the fuck outta you bitch

Aro left immediately and has never bothered them again

Smeyer: okay I've done it! I've made the volturi as unattractive as possible. They're pretty much sewer rats.

Me:

Aro: I have solved my problems by murdering Didyme so that Marcus doesn’t leave

Me: you fucked up a perfectly good Marcus is what you did. Look at it. It’s got depression.

Bella showing up to the trial in Breaking Dawn wearing the necklace Aro gave her: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Jane:

My brain decided to betray me and imagine something

Imagine the volturi showing up in breaking dawn doing the Heathers tik tok thing.

Aro: Edward Dumptruck, in the flesh

Caius: Here comes the cootie squad. We should-

Aro: shut up, Caius

Caius: sorry, Aro

Marcus seeing the witnesses: look who’s with him oh my god

Volturi + Guard: *doing the hand motions* dang dang diggety dang a dang! Dang dang diggety dang a dang!

One thing I’m thankful for is that smeyer didn’t give Jane and Alec weird sexual tension. Practically anything(that I’ve seen at least) that has boy-girl twins makes them weirdly attracted to each other. I have a twin brother and we’re literally like any other siblings(he’s not even my favorite sibling). Just because we’re the same age doesn’t mean that we’re attracted to each other.

Yeah she made Alec’s personality pretty much “Jane is my sister”, but that makes sense. Their Medieval English village thought they were witches and treated them as such. It was them against the world. Imagine how many times they had to stick up for each other? Then their village BURNED THEM AT THE STAKE when they were twelve years old. Aro came in and saved them, but 99.9% of the vampire world is terrified of them and/or wants to kill them. So not much has really changed since their human lives. Of course, they’re so close. Close doesn’t equal attraction.

But she didn’t make them incestual and I’m so thankful. Most writers don’t seem to understand that you can write twins as close without having them be attracted to one another. Write them like any other siblings. Even as a ten year old I was worried when she wrote “the pale boy in the pearl grey suit could have been Jane’s twin”. I was sitting there thinking “oh god please don’t make them do/say anything weird”. But she didn’t and for that I’m beyond thankful.

Aro: Nice work.

Alec: Thanks, Dad . . . Why is everyone staring at me?

Felix: You just called Aro ‘dad’; you said ‘thanks, dad.’

Alec: What? No, I didn't. I said ‘thanks, man.’

Aro: Do you see me as a father figure, Alec?

Alec: No, if anything, I see you as a bother figure, 'cause you're always bothering me.