Raw language

coming soon: the duolingo owl will break into your home at night and beat the shit out of you if you don’t know the word for potato in french

POMME DE TERRE!

P…please… spare me…

now say it in german

Kartoffel. ;)

The fact Theresa May has apparently ‘warned that Brexit could be cancelled if she’s toppled as Prime Minister’ is literally like saying to your kids ‘If you don’t clean your room we’ll have icecream for dinner AND I’ll take you to Disneyland!’

i’ve been comprimised 

i laughed for about 349583492547252 years

I’ve waited 2 years for this post to hit my dash again. Totes worth it

It get better this guy, he wanted to work for the police but they didnt want him because he was to “unfit” now he spends his freetime trolling and running from the police. he is by now a pretty famous comedian and just to show you

thats him dressed up as sonic and blocking real trafic photograph machines and stuff

thats him spraying a guy who smokes in a zone where its forbiden with a fire extungisher

blocking the street with a DIY railway

blind man driving

AND as a snail on a speedway

Me talking about my few mutuals who don’t reblog porn constantly.

You are a broke college student. One night, aliens from a distant galaxy land in your room and, on a whim, you decide to sell them Planet Earth. They agree to buy it, but in exchange, you have to marry one of them. 

“You’re willing to sell us your planet?”

The aliens looked at you in disbelief. They had come to Earth hoping they could settle there, as they had done with several other planets across the galaxy; they wanted to make the Blue Planet theirs, but they did not think it would be that easy. They could simply buy it?

“Well yeah, i mean, look at what it’s become because of us, there’s no way we can fix it now. But you could do it, you must have the necessary technology. And I need the money, so…”

You had no idea how you ended up offering a bunch of aliens to buy Earth. You had seen countless movies about aliens invading Earth and they all depicted the event in the same way: humans VS aliens, the two species killing each other in a fight for survival. So you panicked. You decided to just tell them they could buy the planet. It must cost quite a lot, right? At least enough for you to use the money to pay off your student debt and eat something other than grilled cheese and ramen noodles every day. 

The three aliens looked at each other and spoke in some weird alien language. You had offered them to sit on your bed, so you were standing there awkwardly, watching them decide the fate of your planet in front of you. 

“We accept.”

Your head jerked up and you met one of the aliens’ eyes. They stood up and all looked at you, which made you feel uncomfortable. You tried to avoid their insisting gaze, but their eyes were strangely captivating. They were as dark as black holes, and you could see in them a faint glitter, as though there were dozens of galaxies trapped inside. 

You suddenly came back to your senses and felt your cheeks slightly blush.

“Oh, erm, cool. I mean, that’s great. So, I guess we have a deal then.”

You held out your hand to shake theirs and finally be done with all this, but they just gave it a weird look before looking up at you again. Embarrassed, you let your arm fall to your side. 

“We accept your offer, but on one condition.”

Oh shit. You suddenly felt your heart racing and cold sweat running down your back. Asking for a condition is never a good sign. Do they want to abduct me? To bring me to their spaceship and do experiments on me? Are they going to kill me? I didn’t even finish my English assignment yet! Dozens of scenarios came to your mind, and none of them were in your favor. 

“We want you to marry one of our kind.”

…Wait, what? 

“Uh… What? You want me to marry an al… one of you?”

“With our new acquisition and our settling on Planet Earth, we think it is important to strengthen our bond with earthlings. And what stronger bond than that of marriage?”

You could not believe it. After all you had imagined in these few minutes of panic, marrying an alien seemed like an offer fallen down from the sky. Well, it literally was. You could not help but burst out laughing, startling the aliens. After you recollected yourself, you smiled and looked at the three figures standing in front of you.

“I accept”.

You were about to become rich and marry an alien. How cool was that?

Mr. gallant taking the mask off the rubber mans face

use my generator and find out your sexy monstersona, babes

i already been knew

@spooky-pens

is this why you became my friend

True

)’: its like it doesn’t know me at all…..

the day after the purge tumblr: @meechonmarss

This video kills me

group chat

the verse just makes this better though

Galatians 4:16 “So now have I become your enemy by telling you the truth?”

there’s a lot of wild stuff going on when you say the sentence “grimes invited azealia banks to elon musk’s house under the pretense of working on music together but elon was tripping balls and saying bonkers shit on twitter so after a few days of her not seeing grimes followed by grimes comforting a freaking out elon, azealia left, but not before grimes asked her for a threesome”, so much wild stuff that i am not even going to touch on most of it. but the one thing i really want to point out is: this is definitely the first time elon musk has dropped acid, and he definitely did it because of grimes, and somehow at no point was grimes like “hey let me hold your phone while you trip for the first time so you, the ceo of a multi-million dollar company, don’t tweet some wackadoo shit while high”