I'm an alcoholic borderline because of my parents and they want me to move back home ?! So what I can kill myself faster ? No thanks I'm already suicidal living with someone who loves me and isn't emotionally and financially abusive.
Wow spending every day in bed plus alcohol
Plus anti psychotics means I’ve gone from a size 8 to 18 I have hardcore been hating my body and it’s bring back all my dysmorphia feels from high school, I have purged lately something I haven’t done in a decade and I’m so insecure in public idk what to do because it’s definitely meds and I can’t stop them they are keeping my head not fuzzy but also I can’t even get myself to shower so I can’t exercise rn . Sigh I hate being sick
I'm a dysfunctional mess fuck my life
I’m trying to accept that I might have to take off school and I’m terrified. I’m about a year away from graduation but because i’ve been so sick, I’ve failed a lot of classes over the years so I’m already a year + overdue to graduate college. ( props going to fail one more this rem because my prof refused my accommodations)
All my friends are graduating from their masters and Phd programs, starting government programs , becoming ambassadors, musicians, finding their voice.
And I know I can’t compare myself to others but it hurts my heart I don’t envy them, they earned everything they did and i’m proud. I just feel like the kid left at the back of the class and to be honest, it’s heartbreaking, I never liked being that kid.
I’m supposed to be in my masters program now doing research, I’m supposed to have a career and be tired but proud of my achievements. I’m supposed to be successful, instead I tried to do a meditation exercise so I could study for finals and ended up crying for 4 hours. I just don’t know what to do, I don’t want to disappoint my mom she's been yelling the mantra about my college degree and process for like all my life. But right now I think I just can’t do it , but at the same time if this is me giving it up even if it’s just for a year, who am I? What do I do?
I’ve been saying this a lot lately but I feel so so lost.
Eating when you can’t ( tw food discussion)
Henry made me meals for the next 2 weeks that are super healthy and yummy and really full of nutrients and like super easy to make for days when I can barely get out of bed and it’s the sweetest thing.
I’ve been so upset that i’m too depressed to cook or feed my body adequately and most people don’t care because they don’t see my current weight as a “dangerous” weight but I was going 2-3 days at a time eating nothing and mostly not even being able to when i wanted to eat so this is gonna help a lot.
I’m already seeing a difference, he made and froze me ziplock bags with smoothie ingredients that contain 16 grams of protein and 500 mg of b12 amongst all the other nutrients and I actually had energy to do stuff.
Like I felt so much more awake. It was amazing, hoping this works long term. The meals i have ready are: 2 types vegetarian homemade pies, healthy lasagna, black bean soup, berry and tofu smoothies, peanut butter, cocoa and banana smoothies. I can at least have a meal a day for starters and get my appetite back.
He did all this unprompted, this is why i’m so grateful to be marrying this kid. He just wants me to be alright.