sold my heart for a song

if you hired a galapagos finch as a linecook it would perfectly evolve a beak to optimally smoke cigarettes behind the dumpsters

My oil painting of an Uncrustable

using "what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament" to mean "yeah i made an embarrassing reference but you understood it which is also embarrassing" is very funny to me

my favorite part is that absolutely nobody says this except here. so if you use it in public, it's a dead giveaway that you spent the last ten years on tumblr. but then again, they recognized it, which means they were at the devil's sacrament

"average cat owner spends 3 years in prison" factoid actualy just statistical error. average owner spends 0 years in prison. Miette's mother, who kicked her body like the football and went to jail for One Thousand Years is an outlier adn should not have been counted

me, posting stuff for over 7 different fandoms at random all on the same blog:

i fucking hate the “this is the good luck post.” Girl stop contributing to a superstitious environment with ur anecdotes there’s a million goddamn notes on it it’s statistically reasonable that a bunch of people remember the good things that happen after they reblog it

this is the statistically reasonable post, reblogging it will have no effect except for putting this post on your blog

guys this post really works! I reblogged it and it really did put the post on my blog! you need to try it!

I'm taking away all phrases that contain "old man" and "fuck" until this website can figure out what an old man actually is.

That's not an old man, he's 45.

Request for clarification: what if he's 55?

Hugh Jackman is not an old man.

55 gets the senior discount where I'm from

You can fuck a 55 year old old man but only where this user is from

its 55 on the dennys menu i looked today specifically because of this post fyi

Assigned fuckable old man by Denny's

I love learning about the gay firefighters solely third hand from my dash I hope I never see one minute of this actual show because it would ruin it. They all look identical and I’m not sure how many of them are actually involved at this point. All of their names are Brad. I’m happy for whatever occurred for them tonight.

i actually fucking hate this website lmao

me: oh boy, booping is finally back! i love booping! i can't wait to get booped!

my roommate's cat, who's spent the last 3 months unsuccessfully trying to boop me from under the bathroom door while i pee: am i a joke to you

Either people need to learn how to tell the difference between an “I’m sorry” that takes direct responsibility and an “I’m sorry” that signifies sympathy, or I’m gonna start responding to unfortunate information with a solemn nod and a “Sympies,” because I am tired of receiving a “Why? It wasn’t your fault” every time I try to vocalize compassion.

I'm forwarding all of you my next therapy bill.

I may have somehow underestimated you all.

Great work as always, everyone.

(via @woofknight over at the Ex Bird place)

idk what your all talking about tiktok rules