Got a One DnD UA Rant

SO.

Today (Dec 1 2022) a new unearthed arcana playtest was released for DnD’s new game rules. It included the most ridiculous, backwards logic, clownshoes approach to a movement rule I’ve ever seen.

To summarize, usual movement rules in DnD are thus: you have your Speed. You can move your Speed on your turn as a Movement. You can move it again on your turn if you take a Dash Action, which is usually a full Action unless you have a special ability that lets you do it as a Bonus Action instead. Certain types of movement are impossible without a special speed (Flying) or else are difficult and slow you down to about half your regular Speed while doing them (Climbing, Swimming).

However, some things give you those special speeds freely. They can be equal to your normal Speed or another number entirely. You don’t get to add your various speeds together - if you have 30 feet walking and 40 feet flying you don’t get to Move 70 feet by using one and then another, but you could walk, say, 30 feet and fly another leftover 10, if you really wanted to. It’s more or less equivalent to you flying all 40 anyhow so it doesn’t really matter too much.

The playtest suggests a rule that would change that last bit.

It suggests that if you have a special speed, when you Move, you must choose one of your speeds and use that and only that during that Move. You can pick another if you Dash! But Only One At A Time.

This isn’t completely dumb for the walk/fly thing because there’ll be relatively few situations where you would need to swap between them, but allow me to lay out a couple of scenarios for Climb and Swim:

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You have a Climb Speed equal to your normal Speed, 30 feet total. There’s a cliff on the battlefield. You’re 10 feet away from the base of it and an enemy is atop it somewhere. The cliff is 20 feet tall.

Can you run to the cliff, climb it, and then draw a weapon or cast a spell and attack your foe as an action?

PFFFT, NO YOU SILLY BILLY! You use your regular movement speed to get to the cliff base! If you want to climb it you’d better use your Action to Dash instead, unless you continue to use your normal Speed and therefore only get 10 feet up! If you don’t want to do that I guess you can just stand there with all 20 feet of movement left over and nowhere to go with it!

Similar if, say, you were already right at the base of the cliff, climb to the top, and see the enemy 10 feet away from the ledge! Oh, you want to draw a greatsword and rush him??? Silly barbarian, multiple movement modes is for dash actions! Switching from climbing to running just takes too much out of you to also swing a sword on the same turn, and you can’t CLIMB that final horizontal distance!

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You have a Swim Speed equal to your normal Speed, 30 feet total. There’s a wide river that runs through town. A child has fallen in and is drowning. The DM makes it clear you have a single round to save them. They’re about 20 feet out in the water. You’re 10 feet from the shoreline.

Can you rush over, dive in, and swim to the child, using an action to grab them and pull their head out of the water?

OF COURSE YOU CAN’T! If you run to the water’s edge, you can’t possibly get your little toesies wet until you’ve taken a Dash action, unless you use your normal Speed and therefore move about half as fast in the water on that turn, so that’s about 10 feet into the river. Oh, what’s that, you need to use your full Action to Dash and therefore won’t have one left over to save the child??? Well I guess they’ll just die then!

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It’s so stupid. I want to identify the game developer who came up with it and shake their head just to find out if their brain makes a maraca sound rattling around in their skull. I feel like it might.

LET CHARACTERS WITH PURELY PHYSICAL ABILITIES BE COOL DAMN IT. Let the goddamn Triton Paladin run to the river’s edge, transition into a powerful swan dive, and with a few flicks of their streamlined form, cut through the water to which they were born, rescuing a child that has slipped beneath the surface! Let the Tabaxi Fighter rush to the cliff, scale it, and haul a goblin archer off the ledge in one swift motion! THIS BREAKS NOTHING IN THE GAME. IT MAKES NOTHING LESS ENJOYABLE FOR EITHER THOSE PLAYERS OR FOR ANYONE ELSE! THERE IS NOTHING HERE THAT NEEDS TO BE NERFED!

A simple digital rendition of the mansion map from “The Joy of Extradimensional Spaces,” Candlekeep Mysteries. Sharing this in case anyone out there wants to run the thing but plays online like me.

D&D Eating Contest Rules

Fairly recently I gave some players in a D&D game a little minigame to participate in, should they choose. Here are the rules I put into a handout for them, followed by some DM notes from when I ran it. It went really well!

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The Laughing Spirit is holding its Monthly Mega Meatball Madness event! For the cost of two silver - one going to the house, the other to the winner's pot - a participant competes with all comers to see who can down the largest number of mega-meatballs in five minutes without losing the lot. Speed is essential, but so is constitution. May the greatest gut take all!

Rules

Each mega-meatball will normally take a minute to eat. Make a Dexterity check, DC 12, for alacrity - a failure adds 30 seconds to the base minute, a success allows you to maintain the minute speed average, and a success by more than 5 allows you to eat the meatball in half the time!

In addition, after each meatball eaten, make a Constitution check. The DC starts at 10, and 1 is added for each meatball downed. If the DC is failed by less than 5, you may continue, but with a bonus to the DC equal to the amount failed by. If failed by 5 or more, you physically cannot continue. If failed by 5 or more due to a natural 1 roll, you are compelled to seek out the nearest bucket as your stomach completely rebels.

At the end of five minutes, the number of full meatballs eaten is tallied up for each competitor. If there's a tie, out comes the pie!

The Pot-Pie-Breaker

A test of pure endurance and strength of stomach, the Pie is a no-pity, no-mercy, no-holds-barred eating match that ends only when one contestant is left standing.

Each participant starts at the Constitution DC they ended with during the meatball segment. They must eat a slice of pie - speed is not essential here - and upon finishing, meet the DC previously set with a Constitution check. Upon success, the DC for the next slice goes up by 2 instead of 1, and so on until one participant drops out due to wide-margin failure, if not worse.

The Prize

The winner takes silver equal in value to the number of participants, as well as a coupon for one free meal and drink at The Laughing Spirit - redeemable anytime!

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Narratively, there were 20 total participants to set the prize pot total, but in terms of rolling I only specified two top local contenders as actual threats to the participating players’ attempts. I gave these two names and bonuses to dexterity and constitution and rolled for them specifically, narrating other contestants as being unable to keep up with the pace in order to prevent having to roll for over a dozen NPCs every round.

I kept some scratch paper on the side with relevant contestant names, a tally of how many meatballs were eaten, time for each meatball, and updated Con Save DC for each individual. The order in which I wrote the characters down became a sort of rough initiative; I went down the list having each roll their checks, narrating the results, and updating their progress notes and keeping the players up to date on how their character was faring. Note that while there was a little bit of desynchronized time (i.e. one character being two minutes in on the same round another was at two minutes thirty) it actually averaged out fairly well. If someone hits the five minute mark early just skip over them on the next round. Also, partial final meatballs do not count; if you’re trying to get meatball number 5 done, you’re at 4:30, and your dexterity roll brings you over 5 minutes, you only ate half the meatball and it isn’t counted in your tally.

One thing I learned while running this: if you don’t want to give your players tons of ammunition for bawdy jokes, give them something other than meatballs. If you want to give them even more ammunition, and if they get to the pie-breaker (as mine did), specify that it’s a sausage pie.

Either way, it was fun!

Autumn palette warlocky stuff

18 Languages in 15 Levels

With a bonus of 18 languages in 12 levels at the bottom.

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D&D has 8 official Standard languages, including common, 8 Exotic languages, and 2 secret languages (druidic, thieves’ cant). Most characters have two from their race, maybe one or two from their background, and perhaps one or two from a class or subclass.

I’ve figured out a way to get all 18.

Of note, this does assume that your DM allows you to pick any language from any list, standard or exotic, when given the option. Some tables restrict languages more than others, so this might not actually be possible at yours. It also involves a lot of multiclassing dips, which might make your character feel somewhat stagnant and unplayable as you’ll be stuck with first level spells and abilities while other players are getting more and more obviously powerful. As such, this might be better as an exercise of theory rather than a practical build guide.

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1. Race. You have options: Half Elf, Variant Human (take the prodigy feat), Firbolg, or Yuan-Ti Pureblood. Each of these gives you three total languages instead of two, including common. If you can choose a language, don’t pick sylvan. Druidic is also to be avoided, but as a secret language it likely won’t be on the table anyhow. (3)

2. Background. Options, again: Acolyte, Sage, City Watch, Cloistered Scholar, Courtier, or Faction Agent. Each of these gives two languages of choice. (2)

3. Stats. Dex and Wis are your key stats here. Make them your highest, with a bare 13 minimum in each. Hilariously, you can dump Int or Cha despite becoming an omniglot capable of communicating with anyone or anything that speaks a listed language.

4. Classes & Subclasses. In no particular order, you will need:

-- 1 level in Cleric, Knowledge Domain, for 2 languages of choice. (2)

-- 2 levels in Druid, Circle of Shepherds, for druidic and sylvan. (2)

-- 3 levels in Rogue, Mastermind, for Thieves’ Cant and 2 languages of choice (3)

-- 3 levels in Fighter, either Rune Knight for giant or Samurai for 1 language of choice. If you took Firbolg for your race, go with Samurai to avoid doubling up on one language. (1)

-- 6 levels in Ranger, either base or UA, any subclass, for 2 languages from favored enemy and an ASI which you’ll use on the Linguist feat to get 3 languages of choice. (5)

It’s a bit of a mess with five different classes, two of which are full casters and one of which is a half, but at least you’re only reliant on two stats in the end.

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THE ALTERNATIVE 12 LEVEL BUILD

To get all the languages in just three fewer levels, you’re going to need to add a stat and a multiclass.

Get a Charisma score of minimum 13. Take a single level of Sorcerer with either Draconic Bloodline or Storm Sorcery. These grant draconic or primordial, respectively. Don’t do Draconic Bloodline if you’re a Yuan-Ti, as it would double that language up. 

Only take one level in Ranger instead of six.

Bump either Rogue or Fighter up one level to get that ASI feat.

Weep, for you now have another spellcasting stat to deal with. But hey, you learned all the languages faster this way!

18 Skill Proficiencies in 9 Levels

Really stretching the putty of Dungeons and Dragons builds into shapes that probably weren’t entirely intended today.

D&D has a total of 18 base skills in which your character may be proficient. I figured out how to get proficiency in all of them. 

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Disclaimer: I don’t recommend actually building or playing this character unless it’s ok with your DM and also all the other players. If you make a skill monkey, make sure it doesn’t end up being a monkey’s paw for game enjoyment.

I came up with this just to see if I could.

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1. Your Race options include Half-Elf, Kenku, Lizardfolk, or Tabaxi. All of these give two skill proficiencies within varying limits. Do NOT choose Deception, Persuasion, Nature, or Survival for any of these, given the choice. (2)

2. Your choice of Background, provided said background does NOT include proficiency in Deception, Persuasion, Nature, or Survival. If you chose Tabaxi above, also make sure the background doesn’t overlap with Perception or Stealth. That’s two more skills, specific to said background. (2)

3. Scores: make Charisma your highest score and put a minimum of 13 in Dexterity. Everything else is up to you.

4. Start with Bard. That’s three skill proficiencies of your choice. Keep to the exceptions above. (3)

5. Third level Bard - Lore subclass. Three more skill proficiencies, exceptions that apply. As a bonus you can also turn two of your proficiencies into expertise, which is nice. (3)

6. Fourth level Bard - ASI. Take a feat: Skilled. This gives you three more skill proficiencies! (3)

7. Switch over to Warlock for two levels. Patron doesn’t matter, take whatever flavor suits you for this. Great Old One seems like an interesting choice for being all-skilled, or perhaps Genie. Up to you though. The important thing here is at 2nd level, you get two Invocations. Make sure one of them is Beguiling Influence. There’s your Deception and Persuasion. (2)

8. Now take a level in Rogue. Multiclassing into Rogue immediately gives you one skill proficiency of your choice - avoid Nature and Survival of course - and at that first level you also get to turn two more proficiencies into expertise. Nice. (1)

9. Third level Rogue - Scout subclass. You get Nature and Survival proficiencies which immediately double to expertise. (2)

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That’s it. That’s all it takes to get all 18 skills in the game locked down with a proficiency bonus, and some of them are doubled by other features.

If you continue on until Bard 10 and Rogue 6, you get a total of four more proficiencies turned to expertise - ten expertise skills overall at level 18. Jack of All Trades is a backup feature, boosting Initiative rolls and non-skill ability checks (i.e. DM rules that something is raw, untrained [Ability] as a roll) by just a bit.

Between this and the Initiative Character Build I came up with a while ago, it seems like Bard/Rogue/Warlock is a very good multiclass combo for silly side things. 

https://youtu.be/0HRphkb1NhY

^Speedpaint and explanation of a hypothetical dnd build which would result, at level 20, in an initiative bonus of +19, +1d10 optional, rolled at advantage, for a total initiative range of 20 minimum to 49 maximum. It’s entirely playable and shouldn’t be a drag on roleplay or party mechanics despite this focus. The keys are:

Variant Human (alert feat), 12 Rogue (swashbuckler) / 2 Bard / 6 Warlock (fiend), highest stats / ability score increases all into Dex and Cha, and a Weapon of Warning and a Luckstone as ideal yet reasonable magic items.

Engel Rothschild, Eldritch Knight.

I finally made another dnd character set piece in a dice box. This box is a little bigger than the others I’ve used as it was for a d6 set (bought to make dnd poison bottle rollers) instead of a polyhedral set.

The DM of one of my games wanted a very particular sort of creature and couldn’t find art for it...so I got a sneak peak at plans and a request.

This is Taro. She’s a shapeshifter, she can talk, and she got in trouble trying to steal from some bandits. Now she’s tagging along with the group.

Homebrewery Link Here

Witch is a homebrew class with five related subclasses for D&D 5e. Its overall focus is on new and unique uses for Find Familiar, with each subclass bringing its own flavor of further playstyle, from Blade fighting on the front lines to Chalice brewing potions for the party during rests to Cards uncovering secrets (and making the chaos of random Deck items potentially a little more playable).

All art and writing in this particular homebrew is my own. Layout and page textures are due to Homebrewery. I shouldn’t have to point out that this is homebrew material and is not endorsed or affiliated with the official D&D source material, and while I tried to keep it balanced and fun if you want to play this class you should talk to your DM about it and see if any adjustments are needed for your game and table.

So I made some more things a while back. 

These are dice roller poison bottles based on D&D 5e. I’ve got 3 Wyvern Poison ones and 5 Serpent Venoms (not pictured here). They’re currently on my Etsy if you follow those links. These are nice as functional game props...you know, for when it’s good to play in person with friends again. Until then, at least shaking the bottle and tipping the dice out to roll them is satisfying in its own right.

And Here Be Redbubble.

New Homebrew!

Based on a joke about a warlock who gets power via Patreon instead of a Patron. I made an attempt. 

Making something! Formatting is pain!

PHB, page 73, 

Runes on the tapestry illustration in the Fighter class:

“This is Photoshop’s version of Lorem ipsum. Proin gravida nibh vel velit auctor aliquet Aenean sollicitudin. lorem quis bibendum auctor nisi elit consequat ipsum nec sagittis.”

Note that ‘q’ is a letter that isn’t actually in elder futhark, nor is the rune - a square balanced on its tip - one I recognized. I initially thought it was an attempt at ng but with the extensions cut off, but q makes actual Latin words, and also appeared in those spots when I tried to google the entire phrase. I don’t know the translation, but it does seem to be used as placeholder text like Lorem Ipsum.

Just finally took a closer look at the runes this morning and had a good cackle over the first line.

I see what you did there, artist.

Some conversation during my most recent game went into a fun little side tangent. I banged this out after session. It may or may not be balanced or playable, but boy is it ever a concept.

I made a homebrew race! My goal was to make something highly variable and customizable, and as a bonus it carries a lot of roleplay and story implications to play around with.

Here’s a link to the PDF on Homebrewery, in case these screenshots are a little too small to comfortably read: https://homebrewery.naturalcrit.com/share/ddWmCaUIwW1D