man, i really wish my mom hadn't been such a bitch for the last part of her life. i guess it makes it easier not to miss her, but it sucks having watched her transform into what she did. having to be the subject of her constant anger and hatred, whether active or passive. she never seemed to get that angry with my siblings, and she certainly didn't control them like she did me. i was the only one she monitored that closely, the only one to still get grounded at 18 years old. one of the last interactions i had with her was a screaming match where she took my computer. Made me take my desktop tower out my room and put it into her closet because i was "using it irresponsibly" (playing videogames with my friends when she didn't want me to). i was still fucking grounded while she was dying in the hospital. my siblings were telling me how much trouble i was gonna get for taking my pc out of her room without permission while she was in there, but i knew she wasn't making it out. she had been corrupted by the propaganda and refused to get the covid 19 vaccine, and it killed her. i wonder if she would have made it if she were the slightest bit less spiteful. she put on such a nice face for everyone at church, but came back home and was a nonstop terror to everyone in the house, but especially to me. and i have to pretend like i miss her, like im sad that she's gone, even though having her gone has made me so much more free
