Random Thought Before Bed: Informal Pitch for a Raunchy College Comedy Set in the Star Trek Universe

Premise: Before embarking upon their legendary expedition to discover strange new worlds, the iconic crew of the Enterprise must conquer the most exciting frontier of all—higher education! In the golden age of space exploration, the stuffy, no-nonsense Dean of Starfleet Academy (Paul Giamatti) determines who is worthy of commanding the Federation’s galactic voyages—and he rules his school with an iron fist! But the arrival of a trio of new students—Jimmy Kirk (the ladies’ man), “Bones” McCoy (the party animal), and Spock (the nerdy late bloomer)—introduces chaos, mischief, and disorder (otherwise known as “fun”) into his dull and dreary domain.

Inspired by such classic comedies as Animal House and Old School, Star Trek: Starfleet Academy brings raunchy humor and anarchic hijinks to the beloved sci-fi franchise.

SAMPLE SCENE

GIAMATTI: “That training excursion was meant to be purely exploratory—no interaction with the local populace!” KIRK: “Respectfully, sir, I’d argue that our exploration was extremely thorough.” BONES: “Yes, you won’t find more comprehensive hands-on research in the whole Academy.” GIAMATTI: “Preliminary studies are supposed to be hands-off… especially with regards to the daughters of tribal warlords. Your sloppy first contact has irreparably disrupted a primitive pre-warp culture and thrown an entire planetary ecosystem into disarray!” KIRK: “I assure you, there was nothing sloppy about the first contact. Mr. Spock’s second contact, on the other hand…” SPOCK: “Please don’t call my dad.”

Random Thought Before Bed: My Informal Pitch for an A24 Drama

Paul Schrader plays an aging alcoholic slowly drinking himself to death as penance for his former racism, so feeble that he can barely lift a glass of beer anymore.

Pete Davidson is a shiftless barfly who figures that Schrader is an easy mark to bum some free drinks off of.

Their relationship will change both of their lives forever.

[This idea literally came to me in a dream, so vivid and fully-formed that I didn’t even think to question filmmaker Paul Schrader’s presence as a lead actor. It was such a profoundly moving experience, in fact, that I was compelled to jot down the basic premise of the imaginary movie as soon as I woke up. The preceding text was copied and pasted directly from my Notes app, with only minor edits for clarity.]

Random Thought Before Bed: A Poem About a Dead Cockroach

A Cold War

Which of my neighbors

Will take responsibility

For the dead cockroach

In the communal hallway?

Three days it’s been lying there

Drying out and shriveling up

Like a parched autumn leaf,

Its stiff legs curling inward.

Surely, I think, someone will

Dispose of it eventually.

And so, apparently,

Does everybody else.

Random Thought Before Bed: My Informal Pitch for a Modernized, Mixed Media Parody of A Christmas Carol

Synopsis: Christian Bale plays Silas Croodge, a greedy, miserly, out-of-touch corporate executive that has recently acquired a popular new streaming service. In an effort to cut costs, he not only cancels several animated projects, but also completely purges any evidence that they ever existed from the internet—thus depriving their creators of royalties and residuals.

Shortly thereafter, he is haunted by a trio of cartoon ghosts. Their mission: to “scare him straight” by forcing him to confront the consequences of his actions. Will this encounter with the supernatural convince Croodge to change his wicked ways?

As it turns out, the answer is a resounding “No.” He dismisses the experience as a bizarre nightmare and immediately continues pinching pennies. Fortunately, he can’t avoid karma forever. His mismanagement of his company soon leads him to ruin: customers unsubscribe, employees go on strike, and advertisers withdraw their support en masse.

As Croodge wanders the streets in a daze—haggard, destitute, and disgraced—he curses the heavens, blaming everybody but himself for his misfortune. A giant pencil then descends from the sky and literally erases him from reality.

And everyone else lives happily ever after.

Random Thought Before Bed: An Eminem-Style Rap About Working in Film/TV Production

Work so hard it makes my penis look soft.

They steal hours off my life like they’re Lara Croft.

Fall one second behind and they get all furious,

But they’re in such a rush it’d make The Flash delirious.

When they talk about “safety” they just sound ridiculous;

Their attention to protocol is anything but meticulous.

They act like they’re making a guaranteed classic,

But this shitshow’s a disaster on par with The Titanic.

And if you get injured, don’t be afraid;

You’ll get a week off—just don’t ask to be paid.

[Note: This was not written in response to any specific production; rather, it was intended as a general statement on a few of the more toxic practices that I’ve encountered on the job. Overall, my experience as a P.A. has been positive... but, as recent events have clearly shown, the industry is far from perfect. Hopefully, increased public awareness in the aftermath of the IATSE negotiations and the Rust tragedy will inspire the powers-that-be to improve working conditions on set.]

[Also: My primary motivation while creating this was to parody Eminem. Don’t read too much farther into it.]

Random Thought Before Bed: My Informal Pitch for a Live-Action Pokémon Kaiju Film

The Kanto region has fallen into chaos. Unusually powerful Pokémon have been appearing in the wild with alarming frequency, often outside their natural habitats. Ordinary citizens have reported vivid, recurring nightmares about abandoned cities on uncharted islands. And now, the S.S. Anne has vanished off the coast of Cinnabar Island; the handful of survivors that washed ashore claim that the ship was attacked by an enormous, amorphous, indescribably horrifying monster.

Part-time Gym Leader and full-time mad scientist Blaine believes that the creature could be the Missing Number—the common ancestor from which all Pokémon have inherited the unique ability to spontaneously “evolve.” Desperate to advance mankind’s knowledge and prove his worth as a biologist, Blaine joins forces with fellow trainer Lieutenant Surge to capture and research the valuable specimen—unaware that the fanatical soldier is pursuing his own nefarious agenda.

But these men are tampering with forces that they cannot possibly comprehend; can Ash and his companions stop them before their foolish ambitions destroy the Pokémon World? Find out this summer in The Call of MissingNo.

Random Thought Before Bed: My Informal Pitch for a  Drag Me to Hell Sequel

Years ago, Christine Brown (Alison Lohman) was literally dragged to Hell by the forces of darkness—leaving behind her severely traumatized boyfriend. Still haunted by the memory of her fiery demise, Clayton Dalton (Justin Long) tirelessly researches paranormal activity and supernatural phenomena in an effort to revive her—a heretofore futile pursuit that has left him a penniless, alcoholic recluse.

His luck suddenly changes, however, when he unexpectedly encounters a self-proclaimed “demon hunter” while drowning his sorrows in a dingy dive bar. The mysterious, dashingly-handsome stranger is confident that he’ll be able to venture into the deepest recesses of the Underworld and recover Christine's damned soul—though it is only with great reluctance that he allows Clay to accompany him on the perilous journey.

Together, Clay and Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell) are going to Drag Her Outta Hell!

Originally posted this on my Twitter account, but I figured it was worth sharing here, as well; the sentiment is, after all, equally applicable to Tumblr’s “fandom” culture, if not more so.

So I was deleting some old notes to clear up space on my phone when I rediscovered these absolute gems that demanded to be shared.

Random Thought Before Bed: A Short Poem About Sleep Deprivation

mentally distressed

microwave lasagna

pesto

pita

paradox

Dr. X

xenophobic xylophones

voyeuristic violins

local law enforcement

tinfoil trident

barefoot on concrete

elevated heart rate

David Bowie’s bowtie

rowboat on a Gatorade river

[Author’s Note: These random, disjointed words—as well as the nonexistent associations between them—emerged from the shapeless void between consciousness and sleep; don’t expect to find any deeper meaning in them. Enjoy!]

Confession: the pun was totally unintentional... but I’ll take credit for it anyway.

Random Thought Before Bed: Slasher Movie Mad Libs

Welcome to [small town name]! It’s almost [holiday], and the whole community is excited for [large event]! Unfortunately, the festivities are about to be interrupted by a psychotic killer dressed as a/an [blue-collar profession] and wielding a/an [unique weapon]. The party really gets started once the [adjective implying mental illness] madman sets his sights on a group of teenagers who just want to [minor criminal offense] and [euphemism for sexual intercourse]. One by one, the revelers are [act of violence], [act of violence], and [act of violence] until only a/an [objectifying adjective] young woman with gorgeous [body parts typically considered sexually appealing] remains. Can she survive her encounter with the [small town name] Slasher?

After a recent rewatch of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, I can safely say that while George Lazenby wasn’t the best actor to portray James Bond (not by a long shot), he certainly played the most fashion-forward version of the character.

Random Thought Before Bed: It’s a Cultural Misunderstanding

Random Thought Before Bed - Revisiting Rugrats in Paris: The Movie

Tonight, I revisited Rugrats in Paris: The Movie for the first time in... oh, probably decades. Here are a few random, disconnected observations that I jotted down in response to the nostalgia trip:

Random Thought Before Bed: My Informal Pitch for a Disney/Pixar Animated Feature

Plot Synopsis: Finn (David Harbour) is a salmon that refuses to swim upstream. Clawdia (Zendaya) is a young grizzly bear that refuses to eat fish. When these two outsiders meet, they concoct a mutually beneficial scheme that simultaneously satisfies Clawdia’s gruff father (Idris Elba)—who insists that his daughter should “respect the natural order”—and protects Finn from other predators: Finn repeatedly allows himself to be “caught” by Clawdia, who then discreetly releases him into calmer waters. When Finn’s undiscerning appetite lands him in a fisherman’s cooler, however, Clawdia must race against time to rescue her newfound friend before he winds up sizzling on a grill. This heartwarming animated comedy also features the voice talents of Wanda Sykes, John Ratzenberger, Wallace Shawn, Alan Tudyk, John Mulaney, Donald Glover, and James Corden.

Potential Titles: Finn and Bear It, Bear with Me, Swimming Against the Current

My friends and I share a very mature, refined sense of humor.