Random Thought Before Bed: Informal Pitch for a Raunchy College Comedy Set in the Star Trek Universe

Premise: Before embarking upon their legendary expedition to discover strange new worlds, the iconic crew of the Enterprise must conquer the most exciting frontier of all—higher education! In the golden age of space exploration, the stuffy, no-nonsense Dean of Starfleet Academy (Paul Giamatti) determines who is worthy of commanding the Federation’s galactic voyages—and he rules his school with an iron fist! But the arrival of a trio of new students—Jimmy Kirk (the ladies’ man), “Bones” McCoy (the party animal), and Spock (the nerdy late bloomer)—introduces chaos, mischief, and disorder (otherwise known as “fun”) into his dull and dreary domain.

Inspired by such classic comedies as Animal House and Old School, Star Trek: Starfleet Academy brings raunchy humor and anarchic hijinks to the beloved sci-fi franchise.

SAMPLE SCENE

GIAMATTI: “That training excursion was meant to be purely exploratory—no interaction with the local populace!” KIRK: “Respectfully, sir, I’d argue that our exploration was extremely thorough.” BONES: “Yes, you won’t find more comprehensive hands-on research in the whole Academy.” GIAMATTI: “Preliminary studies are supposed to be hands-off… especially with regards to the daughters of tribal warlords. Your sloppy first contact has irreparably disrupted a primitive pre-warp culture and thrown an entire planetary ecosystem into disarray!” KIRK: “I assure you, there was nothing sloppy about the first contact. Mr. Spock’s second contact, on the other hand…” SPOCK: “Please don’t call my dad.”

Random Thought Before Bed: It’s a Cultural Misunderstanding

Random Thought Before Bed: Predicting the Ending of the Next Fast & Furious Movie

VIN DIESEL and the GANG enjoy an intimate backyard barbecue following their ordeal. JOHN CENA sheepishly approaches.

CENA: Gee, bro, I sure am sorry I tried to kill you and your crew.

DIESEL: Don’t sweat it. We’re all family here. And family is way bigger than one little fight.

A dramatic POP SONG fades in on the soundtrack as Diesel shifts to voiceover narration.

DIESEL (V.O.): I used to believe that there was more to family than just blood. But now I realize that you can't forget your blood, because blood... that’s where you come from. I’ve always lived my life a quarter mile at a time. But sometimes, you gotta go a lot farther than a quarter mile... to find the strength to forgive somebody.

FADE TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS.

Not to toot my own horn, but I can be pretty darn funny after getting fourteen hours of sleep and sitting on my ass all day.

Random Thought Before Bed: Now That’s What I Call a Disturbance in the Force...

I was deleting some old notes to free up space on my computer when I stumbled across this gem:

As you can see from the date stamp in the upper-righthand corner, I had this dream several months before the first Rise of Skywalker trailer dropped, revealing that Palpatine would be making his triumphant return to the franchise. So apparently, The Force is strong with me and I didn’t even know it.

Figured this text conversation I had with my college buddies earlier today might be worth sharing.

Random Thought Before Bed: My Informal Pitch for a Big Budget Hollywood Adaptation of Golgo 13

Synopsis: Following the completion of a job in New York City, the aging (but no less deadly) assassin known as Golgo 13 (Ken Watanabe) is apprehended by agents of the United States government—not to arrest him, but to hire him. It seems a high-ranking politician is colluding with foreign powers, and they want him removed from office… permanently.

Unbeknownst to all but our hero himself, however, years of drinking, smoking, and sleeping around (not to mention any number of bullet and stab wounds) have finally taken their toll, and his days are numbered. When his failing health causes his normally unerring aim to waver at a crucial moment, his employers scramble to silence him, fearing that he might expose their role in the plot. Golgo 13, ever the consummate professional, refuses to allow their betrayal to prevent him from fulfilling the contract—but as his allies abandon him and his target amasses a private army to hunt him down, he begins to wonder whether his own life is really worth fighting for…

Possible directors: James Mangold, Martin Campbell, Takashi Miike

[Recently watched Golgo 13: The Professional for the first time and this idea hit me like a freight train. Click here for more posts like this.]

Random Thought Before Bed: Qu’est-ce que c’est?

Earlier today, I was catching up on Llama Arts’ animations for Mr. Nightmare’s “True Scary Stories” compilations (it’s my free time, I’ll waste it however I want), and I burst out laughing when the psycho killer showed up because, well...

I didn’t realize Spoony had fallen on such difficult times.

Random Thought Before Bed: More Conversations with My Brother

As promised, I dug up a few more random texts I’d sent my brother over the years. This time, in keeping with the theme of my blog, they all relate to film criticism in some form or another. These are my opinions in their purest state—raw, unedited, unfiltered; I hope they don’t make me look like too big a jerk...

1. Not always true, but a noticeable trend.

2. Attempting to deconstruct the logic of editing in a musical.

3. Sometimes, working in the industry kind of ruins the magic. 

[Click here for more nonsense like this.]

Random Thought Before Bed: Conversations with My Brother

In the process of freeing up some space on my phone, I stumbled across some old texts I’d sent my brother that deserved to be immortalized. Here are a few of my favorites, in no particular order:

1. My stab at describing what Silent Hill: Revelation is all about.

2. Dressing for success in The Witcher 3.

3. A ringing endorsement.

Maybe I’ll share more later...

Random Thought From When I Was Asleep: Please Mr. Kennedy...

Had a dream I was watching The Last Jedi. Here’s how my subconscious mind imagined the opening scene:

The First Order’s fleet stealthily maneuvers into position, preparing to launch a surprise attack on the unsuspecting Resistance.

Hux prowls the bridge of his Star Destroyer, gesticulating wildly and barking commands. Captain Phasma stoically leads her troops to the drop ships.

Cut to Kylo Ren, soulfully jamming on an electric guitar (jet black, adorned with flame decals), surrounded by adoring fangirls, completely oblivious to the bustle around him.

It was like Rian Johnson accidentally modeled his depiction of the villain after Bad Lip Reading’s reinterpretation… and it was glorious. The actual film can only be a disappointment now.

[More nonsense like this here. And feel free to check out some of my other Star Wars related posts.]

Random Thought Before Bed: A Public Service Announcement Concerning Pepsi Fire

Earlier today, I made the grievous mistake of drinking Pepsi’s new (and deeply sinister) cinnamon/cola concoction. The experience was akin to gargling a cocktail of liquified Big Red and medicated Listerine, and an aftertaste reminiscent of dollar store buffalo wings stuck to the back of my throat for nearly an hour, defying every effort to wash it down.

Who thought this was acceptable? Is nothing sacred anymore? Why not just abolish all forms of government, revive the barter system, go back to settling disputes with duels to the death, and start dipping bananas in hot sauce?

Random Thought From When I Was Asleep: A Surprisingly Feasible Crossover

Had a dream that Nickelodeon released a new Avatar series. This wasn't a sequel about the next reincarnation in the cycle, but a spinoff set during Korra’s tenure. The premise went something like this:

Years after the battle against Kuvira, the boundary between the realms of humans and spirits is thinner than ever, and tensions are running high. In the heart of the Earth Kingdom, the adorable children of a mixed-race family are hiding a not-so-imaginary friend from their overprotective parents: Hellboy, an ornery-yet-benign demonic entity (understandably annoyed that he’s been flung across time and space), who agrees to instruct them in the finer points of bending in exchange for a place to crash and sleep off his frequent hangovers (meaning their closet). Can the kids conceal the identity of their tutor long enough for him to actually teach them something useful? Will Hellboy find a way to keep up with his favorite shows in a world where motion pictures are still a relatively recent invention?

Hijinks ensue.

Dark Horse Comics currently holds the publishing rights for both Hellboy and Avatar. Just saying...

[Click here for more nonsense like this.]

Random Thought Before Bed: My Informal Pitch for a Serious Cop Drama Starring Adam Sandler

Synopsis: A sadistic serial killer stalks the sleepy suburbs of South Florida, targeting young children. The homicide detective assigned to the case (Adam Sandler), still haunted by the unsolved disappearance of his own son years ago, turns to alcohol and drugs to suppress his painful memories. His partner (Seth Rogen), disgusted by his self-destructive behavior, attempts to nab the perp on his own—only to become a victim himself. Shaken by his failure to prevent another death, our hero must sober up if he hopes to finally put the murderer (Gilbert Gottfried) behind bars.

The joke is that all three actors are playing their usual comedic personas, but the script is a serious cop drama, played completely straight. The juxtaposition just cracks me up:

Sandler (Waterboy voice): “Unlock this cell, Eddie! I have to save the kids!”

Rogen: “You’re not saving anyone until you save yourself, man! Stay in there until that junk’s out of your system. I’ll take care of the rest.”

Sandler: “Eddie, no! Come back, you can’t do this by yourself!"

*later*

Rogen (bleeding, back against a wall): “So it was you all along…”

Gottfried (Aflac voice, cocking revolver hammer): “Dat’s right! But you won’t live long enough to tell anyone.”

[Came up with this one years ago to try and make my brother laugh. It’s as half-baked as ever, but I still love it. Click here for more nonsense like this.]

Random Thought Before Bed: Long Live Physical Media!

Hulu only offers the English dubbed version of Ghost in the Shell. 

Netflix only offers a sub-VHS-quality transfer of Way of the Dragon.

The major online streaming services really let me down today.

Random Thought Before Bed: “You’re a Big Guy”

I just had a great idea for some Halloween fun. 

Step One: Dress up as this guy from The Dark Knight Rises:

Step Two: Stage photos of yourself dramatically removing your friends’ masks.

Step Three: Laugh. Share the holiday spirit. Enjoy life.

I’m too much of an introvert to actually try this myself, but anyone who went through with it would be a true Halloween hero.

[I apologize for posting this nonsense. I would have texted my brother about it, but he only just started speaking to me again after last time. If I annoy him too soon, he might show up at my apartment and smother me with a pillow.]