Random Thought Before Bed: Informal Pitch for a Raunchy College Comedy Set in the Star Trek Universe

Premise: Before embarking upon their legendary expedition to discover strange new worlds, the iconic crew of the Enterprise must conquer the most exciting frontier of all—higher education! In the golden age of space exploration, the stuffy, no-nonsense Dean of Starfleet Academy (Paul Giamatti) determines who is worthy of commanding the Federation’s galactic voyages—and he rules his school with an iron fist! But the arrival of a trio of new students—Jimmy Kirk (the ladies’ man), “Bones” McCoy (the party animal), and Spock (the nerdy late bloomer)—introduces chaos, mischief, and disorder (otherwise known as “fun”) into his dull and dreary domain.

Inspired by such classic comedies as Animal House and Old School, Star Trek: Starfleet Academy brings raunchy humor and anarchic hijinks to the beloved sci-fi franchise.

SAMPLE SCENE

GIAMATTI: “That training excursion was meant to be purely exploratory—no interaction with the local populace!” KIRK: “Respectfully, sir, I’d argue that our exploration was extremely thorough.” BONES: “Yes, you won’t find more comprehensive hands-on research in the whole Academy.” GIAMATTI: “Preliminary studies are supposed to be hands-off… especially with regards to the daughters of tribal warlords. Your sloppy first contact has irreparably disrupted a primitive pre-warp culture and thrown an entire planetary ecosystem into disarray!” KIRK: “I assure you, there was nothing sloppy about the first contact. Mr. Spock’s second contact, on the other hand…” SPOCK: “Please don’t call my dad.”

Random Thought Before Bed: Cinematic Parallels

My new favorite film genre is '80s Dark Comedy About Two Eccentric Young Men—One of Whom is Portrayed by an Actor with the Surname Grant, While the Other Would Later Play the Title Role in Doctor Who—Bumbling Around the English Countryside, Making Mischief and Mayhem.

It is a niche genre—indeed, I can only think of two examples—but that just makes it more special.

While Goncharov posting was (and, to a certain extent, continues to be) fun, I do regret that the trend seems to have reduced Scorsese himself to a meme on Tumblr.

Like, when people on here respond to every post that mentions his name by jokingly bringing up the nonexistent movie that he supposedly directed, do they know that they're talking about the very same man that cast Shinya Tsukamoto—the underground filmmaker behind such deranged, perverse cult classics as Tetsuo: The Iron Man, Tetsuo II: Body Hammer, and A Snake of June—as a devout Christian in Silence?

Was anyone who hopped on the bandwagon even aware that Scorsese played Vincent van Gogh in Akira Kurosawa's Dreams? Or, to lower the bar a bit, that he voiced Sykes in Shark Tale?

I mean, Jesus Christ, are any other users on this site old enough to remember the Animaniacs episode in which the Goodfeathers' preferred hangout spot is a statue sculpted in Scorsese's likeness?

It's time we stopped degrading Scorsese's legacy by falsely crediting him with entirely fictional accomplishments... and started acknowledging the objectively hilarious things that he's actually done throughout his career.

Hey there, YouTube. Jigsaw here. Just want to address the controversy. Yes, I am aware that my past actions have recently come under scrutiny; I’ve seen #KancelKramer trending on Twitter. I can confirm that the accusations are true: I did previously select victims on the basis of such inconsequential “transgressions” as drug addiction, excessive smoking, and being suicidal. To be absolutely clear, I no longer stand by these choices; they were the result of ignorance and naïveté. My good friend Amanda has been educating me, and I’m trying to distance myself from my former toxicity. From now on, my traps are reserved exclusively for really evil people—like cops, con artists, and claims adjusters.

While I don’t expect forgiveness, I humbly request patience; I’m still learning, and I sincerely intend to grow and change for the better—and for once, I’m not playing games.

Stumbled across this tweet and simply had to record it. Not my best Henry Czerny impersonation, but I think I captured the spirit. Also, forgive the sound quality, I'm terrible at editing audio.

Happy 4th of July! Hope your holiday goes better than theirs…

I am now the same age as Bowser from Super Mario Bros.

Lucky me.

INT. EMPTY ROOM - NIGHT

The room is featureless and almost completely bare. A BED, meticulously made, in one corner (it hasn’t been slept in). A small DESK near the window, illuminated only by the glow of the streetlights outside.

At the desk sits PAUL SCHRADER—thin, pale, unkempt, clad only in his underwear. He writes feverishly in a JOURNAL, accompanied by NARRATION.

SCHRADER (V.O.): June 19th. I can’t sleep. Visions of Ozu and Bresson dance across the inside of my eyelids, shadowy images projected not by a meager electric bulb, but by the flicker of Hellfire. I think of my father, a pious Calvinist. He would not approve of my career in motion pictures, any more than he’d approve of the booze or the drugs or the sex or the guns. He never answers the phone when I call home. In his eyes, I am no son. I am a sinner. A blasphemer. I am damned.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

SCHRADER navigates the brightly sunlit streets, an anonymous face in the bustling crowd. His face is now clean shaven, his hair neatly combed, his shirt freshly laundered and pressed—but his eyes remain glazed, sunken, HAUNTED.

SCHRADER (V.O.): June 20th. Saw Jaws today. Pretty terrific. 3 1/2 stars.

Excellent character poster. No notes.

Hope everyone is having a better Good Friday than Bob Hoskins had that one time.

Looking forward to seeing The Super Mario Bros. Movie this weekend!