Oxyginated=Orange

TW: don't read if you don't want to know about self harm, but again, this is a positive post because it's about recovery, so nothing very explicit... but again, please don't read if you might get triggered <3

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Dear diary 🧸,

so, today is a big day for me. and when i say big, i mean it in a really really proud way.

because

today, 17th September 2024, marks one year of me being clean from self harm ♡

and i feel like the credit for this one goes entirely to me. last year and before that, my mental health was a shitshow. i was in a toxic friend group, very very insecure of my body, and thought that maybe I'm doomed to be be "ugly" girl. then, of course, the pressure of being a 11th grade science student. i'm sure most of the ones who have been, can relate? parents not understanding, marks not upto our expectations, exams, assignments and what not. so much pressure. but maybe it was just me who couldn't deal with the pressure and got more addicted to something I'd already been doing for 2 years prior to that.

on september 17th, 2023, getting a 4 out of 30 in physics? let's cut again, in the bathroom. believe me, i was addicted to the feel of the sharp compass needle against my skin. to this day, although healed, i still regret the feel of the scars on my thighs. i wish i hadn't ruined God's gift like that. i really do. but maybe it'll go away with time.

so, anyways, on that day suddenly i decided i don't wanna be like this anymore. i wanna heal myself and my relationship with my body. so i just kinda stopped. and trust me, it wasn't easy. so many times, i just randomly started thinking about how good it used to feel, sometimes my emotions were so strong that it was really hard to not start again but now i know how to restrain myself. i know a little bit of self control.

moreover, what really helped in boosting my self esteem was working out. i never that the solution to a positive body image for me maybe to move around and yknow, exercise a lil. and now, what motivates me the most is when i hear compliments from the same people who used to pass comments about my body before. i actually love my body now, or am trying my best to, because unlike one year prior, i'm really fucking fit and healthy now <3

so yes, that's the story and i hope this 1 year can progress to 2, then 3, then 4 and then slowly be a thing i struggled with, in my teenage years but then taught myself a way out of it.

for those of yall out there, struggling with any kind of self destructive behavior, be safe please. i promise you, there are so many ways to heal and recovery is one hundred percent possible ♡

love,

me

cherishing the things that bring you peace is so important. doodling ugly creatures. listening to brown noise. rereading the same books. rediscovering hymns and religious texts from your childhood. doing your makeup just to erase it. not everything has to have a deeper meaning or purpose, and not everything you do has to be for a more complex reason than how it makes you feel in the moment.

I used to hate it when people said the trick was to just do it until ‘do it scared’ started going around, because that’s truly it. Life didn’t start changing until I applied for jobs with one hand in front of my eyes and a trembling hand navigating my computer mouse. Or until I said everything on my mind (in moderation) with my fists clenched and my legs weak. Or until I refused to accept that I’d ‘just’ be shy forever while also kind of being nauseous at the idea of trying to be the opposite. Two things can coexist and that’s exactly the point of believing that you can do anything.

progress can come in so many forms.

forming a routine. getting more sleep. showering more often. eating more than one meal a day. finishing an assignment on time. allowing yourself to take breaks when you need them. drinking more water. going outside more. spending more time socializing. not going to events that are draining. cleaning the dishes before they pile up.

some things seem like little steps that we barely acknowledge, but every one of them is a part of progress.

at the end of the day it’s just you and your silly little life. so go on, enjoy it, be the person you want to be.

I don't feel like writing right now so I should probably give it a go. It's early in the morning. Too early for anyone to be up. It will be dangerous to go for a run at this hour and I know that I'll be tired all day but I can't sleep. Too much has been happening and I'm trying to process things. I'm trying to gracefully accept everything that is happening around me but I do feel like life is just a great gust of wind that is blowing in the opposite direction that I am trying to walk.

I want to write a little bit about shame and how I recovered from the big experiences in my life. I'm afraid of feeling shame and humiliation and embarrassment. Everyone thinks I'm so outgoing and a social butterfly, but I used to be crippled by the fear of what others had to say about me. I want to write about how I got through it and eventually got over it.

Firstly, I used to be my worst nightmare. I was a worrier. I was anxious about everything. I think the severe isolation did that to me as a child. I was too scared of rejection to go out and make friends. When I did make friends, I was scared of what they would say about me. I needed some space and time away from my own home to get over all of that. I think leaving your hometown should be a mandatory life experience, it should be illegal to stay in your hometown all your life. At least once, you should leave for a short while.

I left my hometown and I recovered from all the fears of small town talk. But my shame followed me and I found myself being ashamed of other things. It followed me around. It took a long time to get through it. I started to read more books about shame. I discovered Brene Brown. I started going to a gym and signed up for cooking classes. I also started writing essays for newspapers. I even won something because of my writing. I absolutely loved all my little hobbies. I loved the long walks and the reading and writing. I felt proud of myself. That's how I started to get over fearing shame.

I started to hold my head up high. I started to crave my own time away from friends. I started to look for sincere conversations with strangers and book recommendations from friends. I started to explore nearby towns and any place I could find. With all the novelty of new people and places and the sincerity of old friends and deep conversations, I started to heal. My nervous system started to correct itself and the anxiety began to leave my body. Over the years, I found myself being graceful instead of anxious and forgiving instead of holding grudges. I found myself liking who I am. I wasn't scared anymore. If anyone had something negative to say about me, I walked away from it with no marks. I found my place in the world and I started to enjoy being myself.

ten years ago you were so scared of such different things, but you survived them anyway. the same goes for five years ago and two years ago. everything that has ever felt like a hurdle, you’ve passed through. so be afraid, identify your fears, and then allow yourself to remember that in just a little while, this will be another thing that you have overcome.

You can always start again, my love. No matter how bad you feel, how hard you have hit rock bottom again or how little energy and will you have left to keep holding on, deep down you know that recovery is possible. You have made it out of dark places more times than you could ever imagine, so what makes you think that this time is different? You are so strong and capable and you can absolutely do this. Please do not be so hard on yourself; you have not messed up, you have not failed - you are given the opportunity to start over and recreate yourself and I know that you will get through this.

glow up with me ·∗ˈ‧₊° 60 day challenge!

i wanted to start a 60 day challenge bc tracking my daily progress/healthy habits helps me romanticize my life and stay consistent :-) i love sharing this online space with everyone, too, so feel free to join me <3

rules

🖇️ reblog/reply to this post with 3 valuable parts of your life that you want to give energy to! mine are academics, physical health, and spiritual growth <3

🖇️ every day, post what you did to invest in those goals :) like 1 hr studying, working out, etc.

🖇️ use & follow #nodalchallenge to see my and others’ progress :)

🖇️ join by friday, april 5th!

prizes???

🧸 1st & 2nd place in consistency by june 4th will get a custom pinterest moodboard and spotify playlist :)

Abandoning 100dop and joining this. I'll redo 100dop at a later date I think as it was a good challenge for when it lasted. My last exam is in 56 days so this showed up at a great time!

& etc.

I know that being positive in the face of adversity is quite an important thing but I also think that taking a moment to just breathe and entertain the thought of "but what if this happens instead of that" is important too. Not in the sense of, "if this does happen, everything will be over" but actually in the sense of, "if this does happen, it will not be the end because these are the ways with which I can continue".

I just think that knowing life can still be alright if it doesn't go the way you most wish it should, makes facing the adversity a little easier. Makes it less scary. And if something is a little bit less scary, that makes it that much easier to achieve.

Okay so: you had your zero day. Now it’s time for a reset.

Get in the shower/bath. Clean the previous week off of your body.

Do some skincare if that’s something you do. I like to use an oil cleanser with some facial massage tools.

Clean your desk. A tidy space is a clear mind.

Look at your assignments for this week so you know what you’re doing.

Organize your schedule on a physical or online planner. Write down due dates.

Set your alarm for tomorrow morning so you don’t wake up late.