edward: bad things keep happening to me, like i have bad luck or something.

rosalie: edward, you don’t have bad luck. the reason bad things happen to you is because you’re a dumbass.

SPOT AND LES ARE TOTALLY BROS PASS IT ON

And it stresses the hell out of Davey

The Newsies Characters as Typical High School People

Jack Kelly is a sports player who also loves theatre, a lot. Davey is the geek friend of Jack, who’s always tutoring people he may or may not have crushes on. Katherine writes the school papers, and is the only reason Jack hasn’t done something very stupid yet. Crutchie is a theatre boy!! Spot’s been in juvie a couple of times for who knows what. He plays sports but is hella short; he’s used to tackle people in football. Race is the reckless friend. He’s usually drunk in the school’s bathroom, or he’s flipping a teacher off for a bad grade (Katherine is, once again, the reason he hasn’t been expelled). Wiesel is the cranky coach of a hell of a lot of sports teams. Morris and Oscar are the jock brothers. They think they’re cool and probably (definitely) follow dumb trends (Morris loves that backwards-hat thing. Still). Medda is the music teacher, and puts on the school musicals every year. She makes sure her kids (the Newsies; she’s like a mom to them) don’t do anything very dumb. Pulitzer is the principal of this high school; he hates Jack, and his friends, and he’s always in need of a coffee.

Look, when Britain taxed our tea we got frisky Imagine what gon happen when you try to tax our whisky

List of things to say when someone asks why you don’t want kids

(photos via @snickers)

Honestly that’s a brilliant marketing strategy

this gives me life and inspires me to step up my lipstick game

#Maybe it’s witchcraft #maybe it’s Maybelline. lost it at the tags.

A zombie apocalypse story where a vaccine is developed but anti vac moms refuse to inoculate their children because the zombie vaccine causes gay autism

In the right hands, this could be an epic work of satire.

a wallet that will never be stolen from your purse

omg

omfg

oh

that’s fucking brilliant

how, by putting a dollar in gift wrap?

"gift wrap"

i don’t get it

it’s not gift wrap

then what is it?

Fill your heart with bees. If someone breaks your heart, then they have to deal with the bees.

im running for student council

Imagine having braces during the apocalypse. no one can take your braces off. And you just have to accept that you’ll have braces forever.

i want a novel focused around a character with braces during the apocalypse and the entire plot of the story revolves around their search for an orthodontist who is still alive and they sort of accidentally save the world in the process

Last night I got an unprompted text from a random number. I went with it.

Dude.

My dad was telling me about these girls at his old college who invented a nail polish that paints on clear, and if you stir your drink with your finger with the nail polish on, it will react with the “Date Rape” drug and turn red.

Dude. It’s genius.

I remember in year 2 there was a girl who had literally never had a haircut so her hair was ridiculously long [imagine Rapunzel basically] and she always complained about it but her mum wouldn’t let her get  it cut

So one day at recess she put an entire pack of chewed gum in her hair at the exact length she wanted it cut to.

She came in the next day with her hair cut how she wanted it and a smug grin on her face and I knew that that girl was going places.