"And in today already walks tomorrow."

Sometimes I have these days where it seems like everything in the universe is allowed to pile up in my mind. So many thoughts are whirring around and, because they are all so overwhelming, I can't seem to get any of them down with any clarity.

So in an attempt to rid myself of this problem, I'm gonna lay down another "parts" blog. 

Part I: FRIENDSHIP

Lately I have come to truly understand the frailty of friendship. It's a concept based on reciprocated trust. In other words it's having someone's best interest at heart and hoping they have yours. It's a very unreliable system.

In fact, I can't see how a system like that could ever work without total and complete honesty. If two people can share the truth with each other maybe then an unbreakable friendship could be made. 

However until people forget how to lie, I can't see that happening.  Friendships are always doomed. They die. I don't see the harm in that. Sure it's hard to let go of people you've grown fond of but it's not impossible. It's certainly survivable. 

Humans are not static creatures. We are ever growing and ever changing. Our needs and wants and desires come and go our entire lives and only the ignorant ignore that fact. The enlightened embrace it. They wait for the tides to come and then they adapt. We are meant to adapt. That means friendships have to adapt too, or else they get lost out to sea. 

It's cruel but I wouldn't say it's unfair. 

Part II: SEX 

I'm a teenager. Obviously sex is something I think a lot about. With college on the horizon sex is a particularly hot subject for me at the moment. No pun intended. There's this huge doubt in me that I'll ever find someone who'll want to date me in college. I know that's silly because it's useless to worry about those kind of things, but I worry anyway. 

I don't think I'm un-pretty. I have clear skin and nice hair and a fairly symmetrical face. I'm a little heavy but not uncommonly so. I have very balanced curves, a smaller waist, and huge boobs. Obviously I'm only listing the positives. If I were to list the negatives I could get carried a way.

My point is that I don't believe myself to be unusually ugly. I also don't believe myself to be unusually unpleasant to be around. I don't know why I've had very few encounters with dating. 

It bothers me to a certain extent because I start to think something's wrong with me. It also bothers me because I feel as if in college one of two things could happen. One: things could not change at all and I could be alone for another four years, or Two: I will come off as desperate and inexperienced and guys will take advantage of that fact. 

The prospect of finding a nice caring guy to be with is not one I generally consider. 

I'm trying not to put as much importance on dating as I did in high school, but still the thoughts cross my mind. 

Part III: REACHING THE LIMIT OF YOUR POTENTIAL

It scares me to think that some day I may stop improving. I'm not sure if this is even possible. It goes against my view of the world. Still it terrifies me. I want to improve. I want to get better at writing and relating and just being human. I don't want to reach this level of stagnancy where I churn out the same old crap over and over again. 

Is there such a thing as a creative limit? Can I hit the top of my chart and have no where to go? I'm so worried that I haven't had the proper training in my life to function in college classes. Advanced Placement didn't want me and I didn't want it. For so much of my life I rejected school. Don't get me wrong I was very very good at school when I tried. It's just for the most part I didn't try. I didn't start caring until my sophomore year of high school. Until that point I had skirted by on my talent. I now know there's a point where talent runs out.

You can't survive on pure ability. You need skill. I don't have many skills. I want them so bad I can feel it in my teeth. I grind them and the energy wells up in the bone. I'm not good with grammar. I'm not an adept speller. I understand bits and pieces of rhetorical strategy but not all of it. I'm behind.

I just hope I can catch up. 

-Tori

P.S. The quote from the title is by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. He's one of the few Romantic poets I quite like.