i'm so sick and tired of "christians" openly being hateful assholes. i'm embarrassed to call myself a christian because of you.
but i loved you!
i loved you and i trusted you and i waited,
but it was all a lie, wasn't it?
you never actually wanted me.
you just wanted someone to adore you in the way you wished she did.
she doesn’t like me. she likes the fact that i like her.
she plays with me. flirts with me. and then doesn't text, doesn't call.
she claims she likes me "too much".
that she's emotionally unavailable and wouldn't be a good girlfriend.
that's fine, if that were true.
but the truth is, she just doesn't like me.
she likes how she can make me squirm. how she knows i'll do anything she asks. how powerful i make her feel by being so helplessly obsessed with her.
i just wish she wouldn't lie.
i'd rather hear "i don't like you like that" come from her lips as truth than "i like you" knowing it's a lie.
how the fuck do people have casual friendships? i want to spend every moment with you. let's sit in the same room and ignore each other. i'm such a lil attention whore with my friends. i just love you so much!!
i don't think i've ever been loved in the way i want to be
this is the first time in a while that i've actually cared. i usually have this protective layer which prevents me from fully caring but also from being hurt. it used to be "you lost feelings? that's fine girl i understand." and now i think it will actually hurt if she decides she doesn't like me anymore. and that's so exciting and scary because i hated how i couldn't fully love before. i always kept myself at a safe distance in case things went poorly. but this time i'm actually scared i'll get hurt. and i'm so happy to know it's a possibility.
can it be last night again?
so your arms can be around me, our fingers intertwined, your lips on my cheek?
i wish someone would break my heart so i'd know for a fact that i have one
i feel so stupid. how did i ever mistake your obsession with love?
i'm so sorry for not loving you in the way you want to be loved. i wish i could, but i'm starting to think maybe i'm just not capable.
i saw your mom today.
she said hi. i don't think she believed you when you tried to convince her it was all my fault. she said hi to me and smiled, and suddenly it's that summer again.
that summer full of unwanted touches and being yelled at. it's that summer again, and i'm so small. i'm so weak.
and you're playing the victim because i said "no".
i'm bleeding out all over the floor and all you care about is the carpet
the ghost of your fingers still cover my mouth
i'm suffocating on bad memories
no matter the amount of oxygen people give me, your lingering touch keeps me from inhaling
i long to breathe fresh air
will you come with me and sit in the forest? we can call each other by different names and pretend our faces are ones we haven't seen before. let's make fairy houses out of sticks and leaves. we can collect rocks and arrange them to make strange words for others to find. let's listen to sad music and look at the sky.
i was your accessory
and when i wanted to be your friendship bracelet instead of your diamond ring
you decided you didn't want me