I finished making the cold brew this morning and it was a hot mess. Picture oversized tea bags of coffee grounds. Putting the dry bags in the Nalgene bottle last night was easy but trying to take out the wet bags-not so much.. they just tore and it was so messy! I tried making the cold brew a little stronger by not adding so much water. Maybe I just got so hooked on that Oatly creamer and now it’s dwindling down, cause the coffee wasn’t the best.

I made some hot apple cider and tried a new cinnamon bun granola with strawberries and yogurt and it was 👌🏻. So glad I got some stuff last night.

I went to the 11am group but left early cause I just kept having these intrusive thoughts and it was making me anxious and irritated. I hung out around the nurses station and started looking at stuff on Instacart from Michael’s. I went to google one of the marker packs to see if it would show all the colors online and I’m so glad I did cause I realized they were 40% off on the Michael’s website and Instacart is so expensive! And on the website there’s an option for same day delivery which satisfies my instant gratification not having to wait days for Amazon. I also love that Michael’s has snacks and soda!

I was going to go on the walk but I have no energy so I might take a nap. I think there’s another walk at 4 so maybe I’ll go to that one.

Maybe short and sweet posts during the day will fix the essay writing at night 😅.

Said I was going to wait til tomorrow (day 3) to type up and post today's "day 2" but I figured I'd get it out of the way and before I start to forget any more.

It's a little after midnight and I need to take my trazodone tonight so I can actually sleep through the night but I also really want to watch some Will & Grace cause I miss those funny idiots.

I already just want to be silent for my team meeting tomorrow. Like there's no point in arguing back and forth. So next best thing, "kill em with kindness" comes to mind but I don't think that fits. My plan is to go into the meeting all "I'm fine, it's fine, everything is fine", "yes" them to death, not say much, seem smiley and chipper. I might even wake up earlyish, shower and make coffee so I "feel my best" which will be a lie but at least my hair will be clean for the first time in days and I'll have some decent coffee which I actually am looking forward to now cause I bought a Torani brown sugar cinnamon syrup. Hmmm tomorrow morning is seeming more promising. Minus the meeting. Which I'm hoping can be quick and done for. Then we'll have the glorious weekend and we'll see how shitty things get and continue the dejavu of Monday morning scaries for team meetings lmao

Also there's supposedly pet therapy tomorrow????? Which I complained about the lack of for 10 months to the nursing director guy and he'd talk about his dog and how he'd being them but they weren't always that friendly.

I remember 8 years ago this unit had a huge pet therapy program. There were two pomeranians, a huge black fluffy dog and a cat named Tuna! I loved that name.

I think I'm going to go on the walk tomorrow at 2 and get more soda at the cafe since I ordered the wrong one with my groceries. Like I want tomorrow to be as smooth and seemingly fine as possible.

My fav nurse who went to nights came in earlier and didn't say hi and of course I took it to heart (is that the phrase)?. So when I took my meds just now I was like "you didn't say hi earlier" and she said she was in her head. Then we chatted a little bit while she got my meds and that was that.

I thought I was going to be able to go to my room right now and watch Will & Grace but my god I'm about to pass out. Like I was already feeling a little sleepy and now this is just speeding it up. I'm sure to sleep through the night cause I haven't taken it in a while and it always hits me harder the first time I start it up again.

Ending this now before I type up another essay. One could say this is already one.

Day Two

I wish I wrote about the meeting right away because (broken record) I can't remember it all, seems so fuzzy, which has become my new favorite word regarding my memory apparently.

Way too much nonsense ahead so putting it under the cut. And I'm way too tired to reread all this so please excuse any errors 🙃.

Day One

It's like I want to document/journal things but also feel like I just overshare and way too often. I know last time I tried to do updates and sometimes it would be weeks or months later.

Like I was about to start venting starting off by saying "I don't know what I'm doing back here, I think this was a mistake" but like I can just save that for another post.