all shall be well & …

Life’s gooooood right now. I have love. People like me and think I’m interesting. I have a full schedule and lots of fascinating things to do. I just filled out a form to get special pills that will heal me from the inside out. I haven’t touched the nadir in ages. When I feel good, it feels good. When I feel bad, it also feels good, or exciting anyway. I have this propulsive energy in me. I’m sure it won’t last, but —

!!!!!!

Put cholula in my venison stew leftovers … whole new meal 🤘😌

Had a dream about The Bomb being dropped (just the few minutes where we knew it was headed our way and couldn’t do anything about it). & then, unrelated, had to flip through the first few pages of Annie Jacobsen’s Nuclear War at work today. Maybe reading that today retroactively informed last night’s dream (backwards thru time), or maybe I pulled the book into my orbit by dreaming about it.

Things are going WELL.

I spend every day stewing in my bitter broth and freaking out. and getting older.

Thinking about a moment in London when I was in that mall, the one I’d decamped to after work for two or three ego bruising days in a row. I walked that mall from end to end and I was pretty familiar with it by the time I left the country. I walked so much that entire trip. My bones were sore by the end.

I was in the mall thinking about certain doom and trying to make sense of the circumstances that had led me to that point. The escalator was delivering me up a level to the sound of Alberto Balsam (never had I thought of that song as generic mall music but it did fit) and I dreaded the moment when I’d reach the top. It wasn’t that I wanted to keep on moving without effort; I truly don’t mind walking even when I’m in pain. But the abrupt change from smooth motion to jerky ambulation is always so jarring.

I don’t know how this keeps happening to me. A veil comes down and I lose contact with the rest of the world, even as I’m technically still in it. It’s down again, which is why I’m thinking back to London. I can’t stand to consider what I miss out on when I’m like this. I’m removed from chunks of my own life. I’m losing time.

TRUE LOVE DAYS :)

jet settin’ !

Not the wake up gurgling and yelling sleep paralysis night terrors! Not on vacation!!

C. is making music again, all is right in the world 😌

Had a really good day involving vigorous vacuuming, mopping, and picture hanging. I also read a lot of Annihilation and it’s making me want to go and explore nature. I did almost no hiking last year and I can’t let that happen again.

Going through a bad spell right now. C and I agree that neither of us want to work and we should just keep house and enjoy each other’s company. Obviously we could never do that - but it would be so nice if life allowed real choices <3

In London :)

I’m reassured that I’m not going to break down by the fact that I’m concerned about breaking down … in my experience, spats of truly poor mental health always always always catch me by surprise. It can’t be that bad if I’m worried about it!

Every pipe in my exhaust is rusting out at once. I’ve had my mufflers fall off while driving like four times in the past couple of months. The positive side is I get to feel like Action Girl on the side of the road when I tie the muffler up with wire so I can drive home.

The negative side is that a rusty and rotted exhaust is the least/cheapest of my problems with it and I need a new car. And a lot of dental work. And some way of tempering my anxiety & paranoia.

I’ve dissociated a few times recently, which hasn’t been a major problem in my life since I got past the worst of adolescent hormones. I honestly think if C weren’t in my life I’d fully crack up.

I really want to go out and do evil things and mischief, or even mundane and normal things, but I can’t go anywhere right now because my car is practically coughing up blood.

thee joys of domesticity

GOOD developments over the last year:

- moved out

- started discussing engagement, rings

- acquired pen pal (we talk about books)

- read a whole bunch

- took a vacation with my sister

- gained the respect of my peers within (a specific extracurricular)

- did not suffer from debilitating paranoia

- confidence skyrocketed

- got recognized (lol) in a grocery store

- completed many dumb bureaucratic tasks that I’d been putting off

- baked treats semi-regularly

- was a dutiful daughter despite moving away

- spent more time appreciating life

2023 was “the year of accidentally nuking my skin with topical steroids”

2024 shall be “the year of no longer accepting other people’s prescriptions without looking into proper dosage/application/side effects”

as well as

“the year of making all the lifestyle changes that are supposed to mitigate psoriasis (chilling out, avoiding alcohol, cutting down on sugar, exercising, etc)”

I figured that tumblr had changed features/metrics or gotten glitchier than usual this year, but now I’m realizing that I’ve been either shadowbanned or somehow restricted on my primary blog. Silly me for thinking that being unable to reply, DM, or send/receive asks for months was normal!

I’m assuming it happened when I started url hoarding and switching up my primary handle a while back. Wish I’d clued into it before tumblr got rid of most of their support staff 🤡🤡🤡