Normal Horoscope:

Aries: Today you'll finally have the energy and courage to do something about that giant cartoon bomb you've been meaning to deal with.

Taurus: Room for improvement does not mean a lack. Things can be going swimmingly and still have the potential to go swimminglyer.

Gemini: Be open to challenges today. If someone wants to fight, be ready to throw tf down. Even getting clocked is a learning experience.

Cancer: Most things are luck, but persistence and wit can help even the odds.

Leo: Time to get huge. Increase your power. Generate force. Crush, stomp, smash. The stars say it is time to slam.

Virgo: Discover what's really important to you by checking the user manual inscribed in tiny text on your scalp.

Libra: Your kind and caring nature may come back to bite you when you nurse an evil bird back to health and it bites you.

Scorpio: Your hidden abilities will finally be revealed! Through hard work and careful attention you to can activate your Forearm Blaster.

Ophiuchus: Your natural curiosity will lead to some trouble when you discover that cocoa powder is actually bad but asphyxiating on cocoa powder is even worse.

Sagittarius: A portal to hell will open up down the street from your house but it'll be fine so don't worry.

Capricorn: Your romantic soul and poor eyesight will get you into trouble when you end up dating an alligator again. This is because you are cursed.

Aquarius: You are a social creature but so are wolves and they could beat you in a fight. Whatcha gonna do about that huh?

Pisces: The world is full of moral grey areas but your "Child Eradicating Death Beam" is firmly outside of all of them.

the Signs as Settings

Aries: a dusty excavation site at dusk, with ancient bones poking through the soil

Taurus: cold, windy cliffside by the ocean, with a single windmill turning in the icy breeze

Gemini: at the top of a tall tower in the inner city, sourounded by the twinkling city light

Karkat: the suburbs in an expansive grassy field at night, but no one is outside to see the stars

Leo: A dark but cozy cave, filled with peculiar drawings and pools of blood on the floor

Virgo: an oasis hidden in the desert, decorated with colorful cloth and lush vegetation

Libra: a treehouse deep in the forest, sourounded by mysterious dolls hanging from the branches

Scorpio: an expansive but lonely castle, guarded by an enormous and bloodthirsty beast

Sagittarius: a mansion by the sea, filled with broken machinery and darkness

Capricorn: a humble cottage by the bay, but the interior is messy and in shambles

Aquarius: a shipwreck in a storm, long abandoned by the original owners but filled with treasure

Pisces: A sunken mountain, littered with caves and frequented by all sorts of sea creatures

i know everyone likes to know mystical stuff related to your birthday so did you know that you have assigned tarot cards as birth cards/arcana based upon when you were born

The Hanged Man and The Empress. Why yes, my life is that extreme.

Judgement and the High Priestess

The ‘won’t let go of their stuffed animals even though they’re 26′ squad

Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Virgo, Pisces

AND I NEVER WILL

26??? I'm THIRTY!!!!